Awkward Sexual Experiences

[RCB3]

Expand Quote

you are a nasty dude dole

[close]

Nah i think it was just something that happened no harm intended. Lots of shit goes down and i've come to notice that chicks are more and more nowdays into some kinky shit. At least i've learned to wash my dick.

Pun Intended

[Rumpleforeskin]

Has any chick ever tried to do stuff with your butt? It can't be just me.

[Fongstarr.]

That scenario that Dole described happened to this girl I know but from a female perspective. She said one night she was going out with her friends and her man wanted to fuck before she did to get his nut on. They did it and she is on the pill and her boyfriend apparently nutted inside her. She went out after that and went to some club, got hammered and went to her friends place to some house party. Apparently this other guy was crushing on her hard and she said she couldn't fuck him, so he suggested that he could just eat her out. He does and that is when she realized that there was probably some cum residue inside her shit. Dude practically licked her man's cum the whole time. 

[Merked]

That scenario that Dole described happened to this girl I know but from a female perspective. She said one night she was going out with her friends and her man wanted to fuck before she did to get his nut on. They did it and she is on the pill and her boyfriend apparently nutted inside her. She went out after that and went to some club, got hammered and went to her friends place to some house party. Apparently this other guy was crushing on her hard and she said she couldn't fuck him, so he suggested that he could just eat her out. He does and that is when she realized that there was probably some cum residue inside her shit. Dude practically licked her man's cum the whole time. 

Fuckk dude, that shit nasty.

[ConnyMas]

Dealt with a fairly nasty situation a few weeks ago, not quite on Dole's level though. 

We where having a party at my place, and a girl I'd hooked up with a few times before was over.  As the party started winding down, we went back to my room and started getting at it.  She had never given me head before, but was pretty drunk so after some foreplay I was able to convince her.  As she started to go down on me I felt a large amount of something wet on my weiner, but didn't think much of it, figuring it was just spit.  By the time she finally put her mouth on it, she let out a gnarly scream.  Turns out she'd gotten a bloody nose and was so drunk she hadn't realized it until she put her mouth on my dick and tasted it.  I jumped up and flipped on the lights and I was fucking covered in blood, from my stomach to my legs.  My sheets where pretty much ruined too.

[jack burton]

^ This rules.

[pancake man]

Blood, nature's lubricant

[Dirty Larry]

Thought I'd sign up and contribute seeing as I've extracted much joy from this thread...

About six years ago I worked for an after hours alcohol delivery company making drops around town. This had it's perks and every so often you'd get a bored lady ordering who would make it obvious they were down to get down. Anyhow, this Spanish lady about early 30's makes an order towards the end of the night, appears friendly and then phones back appearing even more friendly and invites me back after I finish. Sounding good ( she was fairly attractive for her age) I head back round there with a bottle of champagne. She was on the phone at the time shouting at someone who she later said was her publisher, she invited me in and was generally pretty strange... conversation didn't really flow, couldn't really tell what was going to happen, she offered to cook me some food which was nice. Ate something like tomatoes, eggs and bread. Oh and she also accused me of doing coke as I kept on having to piss from drinking a load of water while at work. And then just as I thought nothing would arise she pretty much jumped on me and was grinding against me. Seemed she wasn't too into kissing, she had her top off and possessed a fairly nice pair but with two huge scars under each which was a bit off putting. Anyway seemed she wasn't too into me touching her below either as I could get pretty close but not under knickers. She finished by tossing me off over her tits which she seemed perfectly happy with as was I to just get the whole thing to fucking finish to be honest. She finished by seeing me out and dancing round the hallway of her communal flats half naked while I made a bee-line to my car.

Amusing points to note - On her last visit to the bathroom she'd managed to leave the tap on and had completely flooded the tiny thing in about two inched of water which she found just before I left and was pretty pissed off about. And I also managed to pick up a ?60 fine leaving her house with a congestion fine after it just kicked in, in the morning. (Fucking Boris Johnson). Awkward and expensive.

[yungnol]

So I started this new job last night draining and cleaning hot tubs at this spa and I was pretty unsure about how it was going to go. So like an hour or two into working I was moving this mat I had in the hallway back into one of the hot tub rooms. There was a couple in the room next to it and you gotta open and close the doors real quiet so you dont bother people and I'm right next to this room and the people are fucking and the chick is super loud. Next thing I hear is the dude say "You just squirted!?" Wasn't what I was expecting my first day of work to be but I guess I shouldve seen it coming getting a hot tub cleaner job

[lee fernandez]

long time reader first time poster, my stories nothing to crazy but ill share anyway. had borrowed my dads laptop to listen to music in my room with my girlfriend, she was on her period at the time but we got too horny and just proceeded to bone but with a condom on due to the potentially bloody shaft. finished up and sure enough when i pulled out the condom was pretty well covered in blood, didnt think much of it and threw it in the trash can in my room. later dad texts me when im out asking where his laptop is and i say oh its in my room just go and grab it, only then remembering it was on the floor no more then a foot away from the bloody cum filled condom sitting nicely on top of the trash.
pretty grim, and akward when i got home later

[sexualhelon]

I'm not sure if this was the first time I'd been to Bangkok or one of the several times after but I know it was the first time I'd gotten a hooker.  The fact that I was staying on Khao Sahn road in itself proves that I was naive to Bangkok but it's a good place to get your bearings started I suppose. Walking up and down the road everyday mingling with the peddlers along with the flux of Scandinavian tourists was a decent introduction to the backpacking route which allowed me to hook up with a few Nordic beauties and get a tug job from some seedy massage parlor just a stones throw away from my guest house.

Over the week that I was there I'd gone to get a few massages which resulted in a couple of unexpected handjobs - let me tell you if you think no girl can do it better than you personally give a few spots in Bangkok a go. These massage parlors that do it are fairly obvious although it will start off like a normal massage and it's still the masseuse's choice whether or not they go for it. If they decide to they'll feel up your thighs with the obvious intention of arousing the old sailor the slap it around like a whiffle ball asking if you want more. Most of the time I said now which resulted in the remainder of the massage being an angry one. But this isn't where the awkward sexual experience occurs for me....

I had seen the same Tuk-Tuk driver out on Khao Sahn almost every day that I was there and every time I saw him he would try to convince me into going to a ping pong show to which each time I'd decline - not really my thing although I have been to one. One night, however, I come out from this massage spot right across the street from my guest house still wearing a bath robe with the oil residue left on and greasy hair. This was probably the most expensive massage I got in Bangkok actually as it was full on legit with a sauna after to boot. So there's this guy there and he's pestering me about a ping pong show again to which I say something along the lines of, "you know, at this point and time I'd be a lot more interested in a hooker vs ping pong balls being shot out of a vagina" then his eyes light up. He tells me he can take me to this place free of charge with 30+ girls lined up to choose from free of charge. There's a bit where I contemplate then agree to hop in his tuk-tuk and away we go. The guy seems so happy the whole way there trying to make small talk with me but I'm not really interested in that. Finally we get where this place is and it reminds me of a Casino when the tuk-tuk guy walks me in then introduces me to the head honcho.

He takes me to this 2-way mirror where the other side is a room filled with 30+ girls lined up. The guy asks me what I'm most interested in the tells me, "this girl has the tightest pussy, this girl has the tightest butt hall, this girl gives the best blow jobs" etc.... I pick the blowjob girl in the green dress and she leads me up the stairs past all these seedy old men and one of the girls that passes us shrieks, "oooooh, lucky!". Once we enter the room it gets a bit weird to me but basically once I got to the 2 way mirror I felt really seedy. This room is completely mirrored, filled with chains and every sex toy you could imagine. This Thai girl doesn't speak any English at all and drops the teddy then showers in front of me. She takes off my clothes and is staring me in the eyes the whole time letting out these weird moans. It seems like all she can say is "sucky sucky" or "fucky fucky" and I knew I couldn't fuck this girl so I just say sucky sucky. She seems really surprised and then points to her pussy and says, "fucky fucky" to which I shake my head no and then she points to her butt hole and says "fucky fucky" and I shake my head now then point to my dick and say sucky sucky.  She ends up just giving me head but is trying to look me in the eyes the whole time so I turn away but every way I turn she locks eyes with me in through the mirrors in this mirrored room. At one point I just look straight up and she starts sucking my dick sideways so she can lock eyes with me through the mirror on the ceiling. I cum in her face then she takes a shower in front of me again, wipes me off with the towel, and leaves the room.

Super weird experience...

[KOOL MIKE]

I'm not sure if this was the first time I'd been to Bangkok or one of the several times after but I know it was the first time I'd gotten a hooker.  The fact that I was staying on Khao Sahn road in itself proves that I was naive to Bangkok but it's a good place to get your bearings started I suppose. Walking up and down the road everyday mingling with the peddlers along with the flux of Scandinavian tourists was a decent introduction to the backpacking route which allowed me to hook up with a few Nordic beauties and get a tug job from some seedy massage parlor just a stones throw away from my guest house.

Over the week that I was there I'd gone to get a few massages which resulted in a couple of unexpected handjobs - let me tell you if you think no girl can do it better than you personally give a few spots in Bangkok a go. These massage parlors that do it are fairly obvious although it will start off like a normal massage and it's still the masseuse's choice whether or not they go for it. If they decide to they'll feel up your thighs with the obvious intention of arousing the old sailor the slap it around like a whiffle ball asking if you want more. Most of the time I said now which resulted in the remainder of the massage being an angry one. But this isn't where the awkward sexual experience occurs for me....

I had seen the same Tuk-Tuk driver out on Khao Sahn almost every day that I was there and every time I saw him he would try to convince me into going to a ping pong show to which each time I'd decline - not really my thing although I have been to one. One night, however, I come out from this massage spot right across the street from my guest house still wearing a bath robe with the oil residue left on and greasy hair. This was probably the most expensive massage I got in Bangkok actually as it was full on legit with a sauna after to boot. So there's this guy there and he's pestering me about a ping pong show again to which I say something along the lines of, "you know, at this point and time I'd be a lot more interested in a hooker vs ping pong balls being shot out of a vagina" then his eyes light up. He tells me he can take me to this place free of charge with 30+ girls lined up to choose from free of charge. There's a bit where I contemplate then agree to hop in his tuk-tuk and away we go. The guy seems so happy the whole way there trying to make small talk with me but I'm not really interested in that. Finally we get where this place is and it reminds me of a Casino when the tuk-tuk guy walks me in then introduces me to the head honcho.

He takes me to this 2-way mirror where the other side is a room filled with 30+ girls lined up. The guy asks me what I'm most interested in the tells me, "this girl has the tightest pussy, this girl has the tightest butt hall, this girl gives the best blow jobs" etc.... I pick the blowjob girl in the green dress and she leads me up the stairs past all these seedy old men and one of the girls that passes us shrieks, "oooooh, lucky!". Once we enter the room it gets a bit weird to me but basically once I got to the 2 way mirror I felt really seedy. This room is completely mirrored, filled with chains and every sex toy you could imagine. This Thai girl doesn't speak any English at all and drops the teddy then showers in front of me. She takes off my clothes and is staring me in the eyes the whole time letting out these weird moans. It seems like all she can say is "sucky sucky" or "fucky fucky" and I knew I couldn't fuck this girl so I just say sucky sucky. She seems really surprised and then points to her pussy and says, "fucky fucky" to which I shake my head no and then she points to her butt hole and says "fucky fucky" and I shake my head now then point to my dick and say sucky sucky.  She ends up just giving me head but is trying to look me in the eyes the whole time so I turn away but every way I turn she locks eyes with me in through the mirrors in this mirrored room. At one point I just look straight up and she starts sucking my dick sideways so she can lock eyes with me through the mirror on the ceiling. I cum in her face then she takes a shower in front of me again, wipes me off with the towel, and leaves the room.

Super weird experience...

i woulda felt mad awkward knowing theres dudes behind those mirrors jerkin off and filmin me

[sexualhelon]

Different room man.

[saucy ragu]

Always go for the butt, always.

[Fongstarr.]

Expand Quote

I'm not sure if this was the first time I'd been to Bangkok or one of the several times after but I know it was the first time I'd gotten a hooker.?  The fact that I was staying on Khao Sahn road in itself proves that I was naive to Bangkok but it's a good place to get your bearings started I suppose. Walking up and down the road everyday mingling with the peddlers along with the flux of Scandinavian tourists was a decent introduction to the backpacking route which allowed me to hook up with a few Nordic beauties and get a tug job from some seedy massage parlor just a stones throw away from my guest house.

Over the week that I was there I'd gone to get a few massages which resulted in a couple of unexpected handjobs - let me tell you if you think no girl can do it better than you personally give a few spots in Bangkok a go. These massage parlors that do it are fairly obvious although it will start off like a normal massage and it's still the masseuse's choice whether or not they go for it. If they decide to they'll feel up your thighs with the obvious intention of arousing the old sailor the slap it around like a whiffle ball asking if you want more. Most of the time I said now which resulted in the remainder of the massage being an angry one. But this isn't where the awkward sexual experience occurs for me....

I had seen the same Tuk-Tuk driver out on Khao Sahn almost every day that I was there and every time I saw him he would try to convince me into going to a ping pong show to which each time I'd decline - not really my thing although I have been to one. One night, however, I come out from this massage spot right across the street from my guest house still wearing a bath robe with the oil residue left on and greasy hair. This was probably the most expensive massage I got in Bangkok actually as it was full on legit with a sauna after to boot. So there's this guy there and he's pestering me about a ping pong show again to which I say something along the lines of, "you know, at this point and time I'd be a lot more interested in a hooker vs ping pong balls being shot out of a vagina" then his eyes light up. He tells me he can take me to this place free of charge with 30+ girls lined up to choose from free of charge. There's a bit where I contemplate then agree to hop in his tuk-tuk and away we go. The guy seems so happy the whole way there trying to make small talk with me but I'm not really interested in that. Finally we get where this place is and it reminds me of a Casino when the tuk-tuk guy walks me in then introduces me to the head honcho.

He takes me to this 2-way mirror where the other side is a room filled with 30+ girls lined up. The guy asks me what I'm most interested in the tells me, "this girl has the tightest pussy, this girl has the tightest butt hall, this girl gives the best blow jobs" etc.... I pick the blowjob girl in the green dress and she leads me up the stairs past all these seedy old men and one of the girls that passes us shrieks, "oooooh, lucky!". Once we enter the room it gets a bit weird to me but basically once I got to the 2 way mirror I felt really seedy. This room is completely mirrored, filled with chains and every sex toy you could imagine. This Thai girl doesn't speak any English at all and drops the teddy then showers in front of me. She takes off my clothes and is staring me in the eyes the whole time letting out these weird moans. It seems like all she can say is "sucky sucky" or "fucky fucky" and I knew I couldn't fuck this girl so I just say sucky sucky. She seems really surprised and then points to her pussy and says, "fucky fucky" to which I shake my head no and then she points to her butt hole and says "fucky fucky" and I shake my head now then point to my dick and say sucky sucky.?  She ends up just giving me head but is trying to look me in the eyes the whole time so I turn away but every way I turn she locks eyes with me in through the mirrors in this mirrored room. At one point I just look straight up and she starts sucking my dick sideways so she can lock eyes with me through the mirror on the ceiling. I cum in her face then she takes a shower in front of me again, wipes me off with the towel, and leaves the room.

Super weird experience...

[close]

i woulda felt mad awkward knowing theres dudes behind those mirrors jerkin off and filmin me

Haha. For real. Seems like a place where you can get 2 jobs going at one time. Shit, for all you know, there is an internet camera which making money wolrdwide.

[skate_bored]

id be down. ive watched so much porn and never stumbled across any videos of american guys being tricked into fucking with a secret room full of people watching or video taping for the internet. if it does exist, im fine with it because it sure isnt gonna be easy to find.

side note, somewhat related: it blows my mind how much porn ive watched, amateur and not, and still never come across a girl i know.

[Dontfearthereefer]

i moved out at 18 and have lived on my own since, i've been seeing this chick that still lives at home and the fact that her dad was downstairs totally ruined my game, Trying to be quiet and lay it down proper is impossible. anytime you fuck with parents in the houses it's an awkward sexual experience

[Hate_Then_Skate]

Thought I'd sign up and contribute seeing as I've extracted much joy from this thread...

About six years ago I worked for an after hours alcohol delivery company making drops around town. This had it's perks and every so often you'd get a bored lady ordering who would make it obvious they were down to get down. Anyhow, this Spanish lady about early 30's makes an order towards the end of the night, appears friendly and then phones back appearing even more friendly and invites me back after I finish. Sounding good ( she was fairly attractive for her age) I head back round there with a bottle of champagne. She was on the phone at the time shouting at someone who she later said was her publisher, she invited me in and was generally pretty strange... conversation didn't really flow, couldn't really tell what was going to happen, she offered to cook me some food which was nice. Ate something like tomatoes, eggs and bread. Oh and she also accused me of doing coke as I kept on having to piss from drinking a load of water while at work. And then just as I thought nothing would arise she pretty much jumped on me and was grinding against me. Seemed she wasn't too into kissing(didn't want you to notice adam's apple), she had her top off and possessed a fairly nice pair but with two huge scars under each (cause they were fake, estrogen didn't work for him) which was a bit off putting. Anyway seemed she wasn't too into me touching her below either (didn't want you to touch her penis) as I could get pretty close but not under knickers. She finished by tossing me off over her tits which she seemed perfectly happy with as was I to just get the whole thing to fucking finish to be honest. She finished by seeing me out and dancing round the hallway of her communal flats half naked while I made a bee-line to my car.

Amusing points to note - On her last visit to the bathroom she'd managed to leave the tap on and had completely flooded the tiny thing in about two inched of water which she found just before I left and was pretty pissed off about. And I also managed to pick up a ?60 fine leaving her house with a congestion fine after it just kicked in, in the morning. (Fucking Boris Johnson). Awkward and expensive.

So, you banged a tranny?

[stab]

A girl I know through a few friends basically scooped me up and brought me back to her apartment a couple weeks ago.  She took me to her room where she keeps her extremely anxious dog locked up all day.  We proceed to go at it and the whole time the dog is constantly jumping on the bed trying to literally join in.  I'm pretty sure I caught a few ball licks.  The next morning I woke up to find the heel off of my one of my shoes completely chewed apart.

Also that morning I realized the girl had really crazy scars on her shoulders which I at first assumed were signals that she was a freak (she was) but she later told me that she has cancer and they were surgical scars. Also that she couldn't get pregnant because of the medicine she was on (phew).

About a week later I was at a bar with Mandible Claw and she walks by.  Come to find out he had hooked up with her a bunch a few years ago. 

[Alan]

I realized the girl had really crazy scars on her shoulders

First thing that came to mind was that the scars were the result of the dog trying to mount her...

[pugmaster]

A girl I know through a few friends basically scooped me up and brought me back to her apartment a couple weeks ago.  She took me to her room where she keeps her extremely anxious dog locked up all day.  We proceed to go at it and the whole time the dog is constantly jumping on the bed trying to literally join in.  I'm pretty sure I caught a few ball licks.  The next morning I woke up to find the heel off of my one of my shoes completely chewed apart.

Also that morning I realized the girl had really crazy scars on her shoulders which I at first assumed were signals that she was a freak (she was) but she later told me that she has cancer and they were surgical scars. Also that she couldn't get pregnant because of the medicine she was on (phew).

About a week later I was at a bar with Mandible Claw and she walks by.  Come to find out he had hooked up with her a bunch a few years ago. 

I think we can all agree on two things:
1. Mandible claw does some nice editing
2. Mandible claw's ejaculate is HIGHLY carcinogenic.

[Dole]

Seems like I got tons of these. Couple of years back I was trying to get a cab after bar and this chick came out of nowhere and asked where i was going and was I willing to split it. I was down to it for the money but the chick was decent looking too.  So we got into cab and she was grabbing my cock after two minutes and so we went to her place which was about 2-3 miles from mine. It was pretty clear what it was going to be so we hit it pretty instantly. She was wild from the get go and insisted that i'd have to cum in her mouth and that i should smack her ass harder and harder. After a hard smacking 30 minutes my hands started to hurt but chick was on fire, the apartment door opened. The chick slipped in a matter of second to check it. Heard she was arguing some dude and they went to other room. I was losing my boner and thought it was time split. Then the chick came back and was looking pretty scary and said "it's my ex and he's having a baseball bat, u should leave". I took my stuff pretty fucking quick and ran out simultaneously stuffing boxers to jeans' back pockets. When I got out i noticed my wallet was still inside so i threw few little stones on the window and she luckily threw my wallet down. This sounds pretty corny but it started to rain while i was walking home though i wasn't pissed enough already. The chick texted me while i was walking and asked would i like to go for a coffee or something tomorrow. I didn't.

[StabMasterArson]

So about 3 months ago I was at a local bar for a party my friends throw once a month. This older women comes up and starts talking to me asking me where she knows me from and how I look a lot like james dean. blah blah blah, we walk home to my house and she asks if i've got more to drink. So I make her a drink and we talk for a minute or two before she scoots over to me and just removes my dick from my pants while starring directly into my eyes like she was trying to cast a spell on me. I didnt need a spell, i just needed moisture via mouth, vag or butt. didnt care. that goes on for a minute but i urged her to go upstairs in case a roommate came home. The mouth quickly turned to the vag and it was going fine until it starts to feel a bit different. I sent a hand down to investigate and it returned all bloodied up. I lost my shit, this gypsy women was bleeding all over my Egyptian cotton. I started yelling at her "you're over 40 fucking years old and you cant tell when youre fucking bleeding" She got very defensive and started yelling back like it was my fault. Then she said quite possibly the dumbest thing I ever heard come out of a girls mouth..... "MY TRUE LOVE IS OUT THERE, YOURE GOING TO DIE ALONE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING KID". My anger shortly turned to laughter when i heard that. I replied with something along the lines of "you're forty something years old and fishing for young dick at a bar". We went back and fourth for a minute, and then ended up finishing. The damage was already done, and the boner wasn't going anywhere.

I saved her number, called back a few weeks later when I knew it wasnt shark week. She ended up licking my butt and taking it in hers. She ended up telling me all about her mother and how great she was. Showed me pics of them and everything. That following monday, he mother started working at the property manager I worked for. She was a fucking dinosaur.

More recently I texted to see what was up with some butt. She replied "sorry, I have a new rockstar boyfriend. We are in London. Booty calls are now off the table"

whatever. she still owes me sheets.

[police state]

sounds like you smoothed things over quite well.. ^ this is the awkward sex thread, haha

[Tracer]

So about 3 months ago I was at a local bar for a party my friends throw once a month. This older women comes up and starts talking to me asking me where she knows me from and how I look a lot like james dean. blah blah blah, we walk home to my house and she asks if i've got more to drink. So I make her a drink and we talk for a minute or two before she scoots over to me and just removes my dick from my pants while starring directly into my eyes like she was trying to cast a spell on me. I didnt need a spell, i just needed moisture via mouth, vag or butt. didnt care. that goes on for a minute but i urged her to go upstairs in case a roommate came home. The mouth quickly turned to the vag and it was going fine until it starts to feel a bit different. I sent a hand down to investigate and it returned all bloodied up. I lost my shit, this gypsy women was bleeding all over my Egyptian cotton. I started yelling at her "you're over 40 fucking years old and you cant tell when youre fucking bleeding" She got very defensive and started yelling back like it was my fault. Then she said quite possibly the dumbest thing I ever heard come out of a girls mouth..... "MY TRUE LOVE IS OUT THERE, YOURE GOING TO DIE ALONE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING KID". My anger shortly turned to laughter when i heard that. I replied with something along the lines of "you're forty something years old and fishing for young dick at a bar". We went back and fourth for a minute, and then ended up finishing. The damage was already done, and the boner wasn't going anywhere.

I saved her number, called back a few weeks later when I knew it wasnt shark week. She ended up licking my butt and taking it in hers. She ended up telling me all about her mother and how great she was. Showed me pics of them and everything. That following monday, he mother started working at the property manager I worked for. She was a fucking dinosaur.

More recently I texted to see what was up with some butt. She replied "sorry, I have a new rockstar boyfriend. We are in London. Booty calls are now off the table"

whatever. she still owes me sheets.

Strong post, but why are you calling back a cougar that was bleeding all over your bed? Fukkin RED FLAG unless you're 30 years old yourself most responses won't suffice

[Bobby Peru]

So about 3 months ago I was at a local bar for a party my friends throw once a month. This older women comes up and starts talking to me asking me where she knows me from and how I look a lot like james dean. blah blah blah, we walk home to my house and she asks if i've got more to drink. So I make her a drink and we talk for a minute or two before she scoots over to me and just removes my dick from my pants while starring directly into my eyes like she was trying to cast a spell on me. I didnt need a spell, i just needed moisture via mouth, vag or butt. didnt care. that goes on for a minute but i urged her to go upstairs in case a roommate came home. The mouth quickly turned to the vag and it was going fine until it starts to feel a bit different. I sent a hand down to investigate and it returned all bloodied up. I lost my shit, this gypsy women was bleeding all over my Egyptian cotton. I started yelling at her "you're over 40 fucking years old and you cant tell when youre fucking bleeding" She got very defensive and started yelling back like it was my fault. Then she said quite possibly the dumbest thing I ever heard come out of a girls mouth..... "MY TRUE LOVE IS OUT THERE, YOURE GOING TO DIE ALONE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING KID". My anger shortly turned to laughter when i heard that. I replied with something along the lines of "you're forty something years old and fishing for young dick at a bar". We went back and fourth for a minute, and then ended up finishing. The damage was already done, and the boner wasn't going anywhere.

I saved her number, called back a few weeks later when I knew it wasnt shark week. She ended up licking my butt and taking it in hers. She ended up telling me all about her mother and how great she was. Showed me pics of them and everything. That following monday, he mother started working at the property manager I worked for. She was a fucking dinosaur.

More recently I texted to see what was up with some butt. She replied "sorry, I have a new rockstar boyfriend. We are in London. Booty calls are now off the table"

whatever. she still owes me sheets.

Ten bucks says it was London, Ontario. Also, had difficulty breaking the 420 rep to gnar you.

[brycickle]

Stab, I'm very impressed at the level of which you were able to give no fucks.

[stab]

Here's another weird one.
My friend's band was playing a show where mostly younger college kids hang out because the place will generally sell beer under-21.  A girl about my age starts staring at me and we end up drinking beers and talking for a while. Her and her other v attractive girlfriend and I leave together and they proceed to drive me around party/bar-hopping while simultaneously smoking me out and buying me beer, essentially rendering me blacked out and supremely confident. We all end up back at homegirl's apartment and I'm feeling like a 3-some is imminent (!).  I start making out with the one girl while her other friend is outside on the phone or something.  Outside girl slides out at some point and the other girl and I start going at it in her room. She was definitely on the freakier/rougher end of the spectrum and at one point pulls out some weird sex toy to use on herself.  I assume we bang for a while and pass out but the next thing I remember is waking up to her screaming at me and driving me home.....
*important caveat*
Growing up I had the strange habit of sleepwalking when I fell asleep in a new place.  This would happen at friends' houses I'd sleepover at as well as on family vacations in hotels.  By college when drinking had come into play and I was living in a dorm there would be numerous occasions where I would wake up in weird stairwells, and other floors, often close to naked and urinating on various objects (my older brother has this same problem).

So it turns out that I had drank enough and been in a weird enough location/situation that I did just that, and the various object this time happened to be this poor girl's face.

She ended up texting me the next day telling me that her "pussy still hurt" and we ended up banging/semi-dating for the next two months.  She got really clingy and I dumped her via text on the way to a Radiohead show in Tampa. I still see her around town from time to time and she is actually really cool and one night actually successfully played wingwomen for me.

[ice nine]

why would u ever dump someone via a text? what the fuck is wrong with you?

[KOOL MIKE]

why would u ever dump someone via a text? what the fuck is wrong with you?

hahhah your'e on some bitch shit ice nine, fuck them bitches feelings.