Awkward Sexual Experiences

[Fairy Boy]

This happened to a female friend recently:

She was hanging out with this guy for the first or second time, thought she liked him. They got real drunk, she crashes at his pad but nothing happens. Theyre spooning and as shes falling asleep hes got his hand all over her face, trying to get fingers in her mouth or fishhook her or some shit. She ignores it and manages to fall asleep.

A few hours later, she's half-awake in bed, and notices he is making some movements and noises behind her. Dude is jerking off right behind her! Shes fullt clothed,  he grabs her butt and tits a bit to get off, and she pretends to still be asleep. In her words, 'at least he got out of bed to finish instead of shooting me in the back'. She never saw him again, but he doesn't know she was awake.

Last week her phone broke and lost all the numbers, so when I texted her and got a 'whos this?' I said 'the dude who jerked off behind you. want to try that again?'. She believed me. I don't have many smart friends. 

[Strike A Pose]

Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

[Fairy Boy]

Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?

[Carrolls Chesthairs]

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Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

[close]

Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?

Pump the fucking breaks.

Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?

[saucy ragu]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

[close]

Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?

[close]

Pump the fucking breaks.

Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?

He was talking about his signature. And you're that surprised people drink while they fuck?

[tag_king]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

[close]

Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?

[close]

Pump the fucking breaks.

Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?

During a very Bukowski influenced time in my life, I would usually have a magnum of wine next to the bed. I would take some quick swig breaks and get right back into it. It was also nice to have a big gulp after the deed was done. Fucking and drinking wine at the same time equals a hangover worthy of the act that caused it, thats for sure.

[Donkey Lips]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

[close]

Almost as bad as catching a leg cramp while holding a modestly priced bottle of champagne, amiright?

[close]

Pump the fucking breaks.

Are there people who drink and fuck at the same time?

[close]

During a very Bukowski influenced time in my life, I would usually have a magnum of wine next to the bed. I would take some quick swig breaks and get right back into it. It was also nice to have a big gulp after the deed was done. Fucking and drinking wine at the same time equals a hangover worthy of the act that caused it, thats for sure.

I've done the wine on the bedside table. Never a hangover, but often woken up with purple gums. I've since switched to sex gatorade. It's important to keep hydrated.

[ttching!]

Catching a leg cramp while finishing the job is always a terrible experience!

Holler if u hear me!

Masturbation isn't a sport. Just pay for some nobbers behind the chippy already before you break yourself permanently or end up like David Caradine.

[dirtyweemidden]

this was definately one of the worst of my life.. i musta been like 15 at the time, me and my girlfriwend at the time went to a shindig at our buddies house as his folks were out of town.. typical high school shit

me and this girl wander looking for somewhere to sneak away to etc long story short we end up getting jiggy in the upstairs bathroom, shits gettin frisky so i go down on her super enthusiastically, a couple minutes in i get a mad twitch in my knee.. my left leg fucking jerks out from under me and my toes jet head on into the front of the toilet bowl.. i make a stupid fuckin uuargh kinda sound and double back in pain..

now looking back judging by her view of thinks she must have definately thought i fucking jizzed my shorts HAHA

ever tried explaining that you wernt spaffing, just nursing your broken toes from a china throne to a climax denied teenage girl? trust me its not worth the embarrasment...

 fucking blew that one hard!

[Patey]

at the very least you were rewarded with a decent story to tell your slap friends

kudos

[GarglesCmen]

I sharted jerking off one time, fully nude and that shit was fully on my twisty ass computer chair

[shouldn't]

met a lady. exchanged numbers. she starts blowing my shit up. went to hangout at her friend's, walked into the wrong house. scared a random lady to death and, left just before the police showed up. had her come over a few days later. very attractive, seemed  really mature. looked about 20. ended up being under-age. had to do it anyway. she had the flappy curtains of an old lady... shocker! still had to do it. got queefed on multiple times. this girl desperately needed to bleach her butt-hole. used a pack of rubbers. watched television for an hour or two, drove her home after getting fed up with racial slurs & the word 'yolo'. no calls were exchanged since. i guess this doesn't exactly qualify for the thread but, it was awkward & a sexual experience.

[nice weather]

your shortbreathed writing style more than makes up for the paralyzingly boring stoy.

[sleepypancakes]

met a lady. exchanged numbers. she starts blowing my shit up. went to hangout at her friend's, walked into the wrong house. scared a random lady to death and, left just before the police showed up. had her come over a few days later. very attractive, seemed  really mature. looked about 20. ended up being under-age. had to do it anyway. she had the flappy curtains of an old lady... shocker! still had to do it. got queefed on multiple times. this girl desperately needed to bleach her butt-hole. used a pack of rubbers. watched television for an hour or two, drove her home after getting fed up with racial slurs & the word 'yolo'. no calls were exchanged since. i guess this doesn't exactly qualify for the thread but, it was awkward & a sexual experience.

...Do you live in southern ohio? My friend's skeezy little sister sounds the same way...he says he's caught her doing shit like this a few times.

[Patey]

met a lady. exchanged numbers. she starts blowing my shit up. went to hangout at her friend's, walked into the wrong house. scared a random lady to death and, left just before the police showed up. had her come over a few days later. very attractive, seemed  really mature. looked about 20. ended up being under-age. had to do it anyway. she had the flappy curtains of an old lady... shocker! still had to do it. got queefed on multiple times. this girl desperately needed to bleach her butt-hole. used a pack of rubbers. watched television for an hour or two, drove her home after getting fed up with racial slurs & the word 'yolo'. no calls were exchanged since. i guess this doesn't exactly qualify for the thread but, it was awkward & a sexual experience.

how does one seem mature but use the word yolo?

[HairyCunt]

No means yes? Three no's means no?  Do you just try to jam it in? What if you get a blow job before?

You know what I mean? No means no is like D.A.R.E. , just say no works in the classroom, but reality has a lot more grey area.  I'm not talking about holding someone up in an alley at knife point or drugging them obviously.   

[jimi420]

anytime a girl starts crying during/afterwards is awkward. My girlfriend has done this 3 times now and I just say fuck it and keep going.

[HairyCunt]

anytime a girl starts crying during/afterwards is awkward. My girlfriend has done this 3 times now and I just say fuck it and keep going.

LOL!

[solo]

okay...

been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....

hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.

[Fongstarr.]

This dude at some party told us this story back in my college days. Said he'd used to get drunk with this girl that was an FTF and they would just use each other to practice sexual moves. One of her weaknesses was sucking dick and I guess she would just suck dude off for practice. The only catch would be is that he had to tell her when he was about to nut cause she wasn't down with having baby batter in her mouth. So about a couple of shots in at a party, they go over homeboys pad at like 2am and she gets in her chickenhead stance and continues to give dude head. I guess he was tired but who could turn down a blowjob. Anyways.....long story short, he's so tired that he forgets to tell the girl that he's cumming and just explodes in girls mouth and I guess as a sudden reaction, she just spits it all out on his legs. Literally after that, he just falls asleep on his bed with his pants at his ankles with nut everywhere. Said he woke up all stiff from the baby glue.

[PTDK]

okay...

been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....

hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.

What the fuck did I just read...?

[ollienorth]

Expand Quote

okay...

been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....

hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.

[close]

What the fuck did I just read...?

that, my friend, is how people get herpes

[Goblinshark]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

okay...

been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....

hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.

[close]

What the fuck did I just read...?

[close]

that, my friend, is how people get herpes

haha I know this guy. He did some other shit like this recently

[Greg Ostertag]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

okay...

been on some trips recently so i've got some stories....

hotel room. fancy pantsy old ass hotel that costs *money* but seems haunted at night. anyways. it's me and my skate niggas and we're mobbin with one of my homies bitches. she's driving. anyways, we roll up one of the hotel rooms and are drinking. then one of my homies busts out some coke. fools start doing lines and bumps cept for me and someone else. eventually i give in and do some... at this point we're pretty turnt up and decide to explore the halls, etc. everyone goes, even the bitch. so what happens is we ditch her and all run back to the hotel room. somehow she gets there first and is half on the floor snorting coke off the table.. dumb bitch.... anyways, my boy tells her he's gonna take her to the other room to take care of her and runs her shit. during this time we take her car and get food at a 24 hr safeway. coked out and drunk we get back to the room and munch. we all assumed that she was getting railed. we were correct. as we're eating 200 dollars worth of food, he comes back in and tags out another of my homies. he goes down with a grin and comes back all sweaty. it's my turn. i bring some coke for her and she snorts it off my dick... i see hella handprints on ass too.. straight running a train on this bitch... i rubber up and fuck her while watching the most boring movie ever.. i get out of there after i'm done without saying a word haha and walk through the haunted ass hallway back to homebase. tag in my other homie and he goes down with some coke. makes that bitch take a shower llolol and calls us while she's in it. anyways, we're all taking turns in the shower then after go outside and smoke a cigarette. we get a call from the homie who's been with her last. he tells us that she's in the shower and that the movie on is boring as fuck haha. we tell him that he shoulda gone in the shower with her (by this time it's about 7:30am). he says shes out! and clicks the phone. bout 20 minutes later we see this boy running through the halls (bout the 3rd floor) from the ground level and all swore it was a ghost hahaha. he comes outside and my homie who's bitch it was goes in and finish business. so we ran a train on my homie's girl (~26?) and then chilled in the jacuzzi, area sized pool, jacuzzi #2, then steamroom after lol while my homie gets his. oh yeah, then we got continental breakfast. trying to remember the rest of the day... but it's irrelevant. oh yeah!! the crazy bitch.. we all get our shit from the hotel rooms after and get in her car. she drives us to the park but is trippin cause she lost her phone that night. we tell her that we don't have it and she drives off, but then drives back around and throws a beer can at us. lol. never seen that bitch again after that night.

[close]

What the fuck did I just read...?

[close]

that, my herpe, is why people have friends

[jgonzalez]

I felt really dirty just reading that story.

[poopmonkey]

met a girl in this club in the town where i live. she's 26 and i'm 23. she wasn't that goodlooking but fuck it, i was drunk and horny. got her number and ended up inviting her over to my place about a week later. she made it clear she was definitely dtf and wasn't looking for anything serious. she shows up to my house, fortunately i left all the lights off. we get going in the livingroom and she goes down on me on the couch. she gags a couple of times but i didn't think much of it. so i;m sitting there slightly enjoying the scene when she lets out a puke over my dick and leg.. i laugh, she's hella ashamed, says she had dinner at some nasty fast food place. still fucked her twice that night. Met up at her place the next week, she leaves the lights on the whole time which wasn;t a good thing. she's all like "oh my god you're gonna fuck me so much tonight" and all i;m thinking is "... nope, i'm not". afterwards i tell her i'll be calling it quits. stole a 6pack of coke from her fridge and got the hell out of there.

[saucy ragu]

How common is stealing among you guys if you know you'll never see the chick again? One chick turned me down because there was a love triangle involving her friend and she felt wrong. She went into her room and I snuck out, stealing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls along the way. Fast Forward a year later and she came to visit, was a shitty houseguest so I kicked her out at 3 AM, and I'm pretty sure she stole my free drink token. Not that she'd be able to use it anywhere, but that was a free beer. Ultimate cunt.

[Donkey Lips]

How common is stealing among you guys if you know you'll never see the chick again? One chick turned me down because there was a love triangle involving her friend and she felt wrong. She went into her room and I snuck out, stealing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls along the way. Fast Forward a year later and she came to visit, was a shitty houseguest so I kicked her out at 3 AM, and I'm pretty sure she stole my free drink token. Not that she'd be able to use it anywhere, but that was a free beer. Ultimate cunt.

I used to do this a lot. A girl I used to hook up with in college, I would always take food from her fridge after the deed was done. It started with just grabbing a beer for the walk back to my dorm. It quickly evolved into taking leftover meals and at one point, I took a full box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because who isn't going to steal that delicious cereal. She didn't find out until she came to my dorm and saw a bunch of her tupperware dishes there. She wasn't stoked. She had been accusing her roommate of stealing food for weeks.

This sort of thing became a tradition. At one point a few of my friends also developed a kind of competition in which taking home mementos from one nighter's became common. The most I'd gotten was a cordless phone from a girl's apartment. Scumbag me took the phone and just left the base. I can only imagine how long this girl must have searched her apartment to find the missing phone. Somehow I ended up with a sombrero once too. I have no memory of how that happened. It's probably better that way.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

Somehow I ended up with a sombrero once too. I have no memory of how that happened. It's probably better that way.

did you wear it on your real or your "lower" head?

[oyolar]

Expand Quote

How common is stealing among you guys if you know you'll never see the chick again? One chick turned me down because there was a love triangle involving her friend and she felt wrong. She went into her room and I snuck out, stealing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls along the way. Fast Forward a year later and she came to visit, was a shitty houseguest so I kicked her out at 3 AM, and I'm pretty sure she stole my free drink token. Not that she'd be able to use it anywhere, but that was a free beer. Ultimate cunt.

[close]

I used to do this a lot. A girl I used to hook up with in college, I would always take food from her fridge after the deed was done. It started with just grabbing a beer for the walk back to my dorm. It quickly evolved into taking leftover meals and at one point, I took a full box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because who isn't going to steal that delicious cereal. She didn't find out until she came to my dorm and saw a bunch of her tupperware dishes there. She wasn't stoked. She had been accusing her roommate of stealing food for weeks.

This sort of thing became a tradition. At one point a few of my friends also developed a kind of competition in which taking home mementos from one nighter's became common. The most I'd gotten was a cordless phone from a girl's apartment. Scumbag me took the phone and just left the base. I can only imagine how long this girl must have searched her apartment to find the missing phone. Somehow I ended up with a sombrero once too. I have no memory of how that happened. It's probably better that way.

I don't know why, but I laughed so hard at this post.