pathetic & failed attempts @ sexual relations

[nice weather]

A recent post in fat chick story thread inspired me to this. We all know Slap holds some zany stories of failure that haven't been told yet.

Best case scenario for the story is you not getting any, but being generally let down for only getting a blowjob from a fat chick and then getting denied access to her steamy styrofoam pit, then having your friends see you trying to get with the fat chick and having your ass kicked by her boyfriend you didn't know existed, shall count as well.


I'll start with an unspectacular one. I was staying at a friends place in this smaller city I used to study in. He had recently started dating a big titted chick he met in a steambath. Hands down, that actually happened, true story so far. Despite his ever thinning out hair he had "totally scored, *high 5" which prompted me to suggest having a few drinks in the evening and chatting it up myself with some classy first semesters and their soft, peachy skins and firm legs and little appreciation of David Lynch tv shows.
Fortuna blew a kiss my way when we heard about a rather big celebration that was going down that very night. Beer was bought, liquor was ingested as we headed out to a party before the party type thing close to our place. At the party my friend ran into his date who was with her ginger roommate, who had a great body, but also a face that made you think you were looking at her through a peephole. Let's refer to her as p-hole.

I'll skip the middle part because we all know where this is going.

SO as I got back from where the warehouse rave was supposed to be at and it started to dawn on me that there never was a warehouse rave in the first place, I met my friend, his date and p-hole standing outside the party venue. I joined them and they told me they were about to go home to their place and sleep, to which I replied I had no keys and no means of getting into my friends house.
My friend took it as a blunt attempt to get to go home with p-hole, when in reality I was just not aware that I had his keys and that my friend had given me a 20 minute speech earlier about how to get into his house, which keys to use etc.
Anyways, so my friend starts to smile and winks at me, still thinking I was going after p-hole, which I then again mistook as a hint from his part that p-hole was feeling me. What's that they say? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth?
So we all went home and had some perogies and then retreated to the girls bedrooms. The 5 entire raw balls of mozzarella I had eaten earlier payed their toll on my digestive system and I was farting like a midget on a stool in an elementary school cafeteria restroom.
Unasked I took off my shirt and layed down on p-holes bed, taking my pants and boxers off under the blankets while she was carefully tucking herself into her blanket. We talked for a little while more and I was sure she didn't hear those farts, so I thought it was time for me to make a move. I asked her if she was cool with me just casually putting my arm around her, to which she replied she thought I had a girlfriend, because I had apparently told her earlier. I said no..no girrrl, tilting my head and making an innocent snouty face.
Awkward silence ensued and she said that she felt this was odd, since she did have a boyfriend and now she felt sorta weird about letting me sleep in her bed. She continued to talk but I put my finger on her lips and said ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh.
and then it happened.....





















































rape.








I mean magic.

I mean I fell asleep and woke up to her coming back from work, still naked and still not standing a chance of getting it in.

[H8R part 4]

a long time ago i drove 500+ miles to meet up with this girl i liked in HS.  so we start fooling around, she blew me for a bit, i ate her out for a bit and it got to the point where i had to stick my dick inside her and she just started crying, like really fucking crying.  i'd like to say its because i have a huge cock but ya'll know my ass is asian!  i didn't get to have any sex while i was there but i got my dick sucked plenty.  i shouldn't be complaining but 500 miles for some head?, fuck!  i could have driven 5 miles and gotten head.  what a fricking waste of gas money.   
 

[rawbertson.]

my friend drove 4 hours and all he got to do was make out. sorry to one down you there faster! hahahaha, this next one also sort of ties in -

different friend told me with one girlfriend the first time i think and only time they banged she started crying and was like "this feels so wrong im so ashamed" and it totally ruined it. closed her legs and shit.

i know this one girl who i used to be friends with that went out with this guy and it was HER birthday and she sucked his dick and then his mom came home like literally right as she finished and he didnt even eat her out or nothing and then the next day he called her up and dumped her.

i almost got to bang this girl a few summers ago but this stupid idiot that i used to skate with cockblocked me and told her that i was tellin everyone about the HJ that she gave me ( i was though )

one time i cockblocked my friend when i first turned 19 first time we went to a bar he was hitting on this girl and i wanted to steal her so i told her he had a girlfriend (which he did but she wasnt gonna be home he wanted to cheat but i suppose it was for the best anyway cuase hes still with her but i still feel super bad about it). that was an awesoem night that is one of the only times i have actually met someone at the bar although that night the girl i brought home started puking as soon as we started making out. i tried to call her up later and it was just really awkward and embarrassing.

[H8R part 4]

^400 miles for a kiss is pretty damn bad!  i would've knocked her out, beat off on her face then broke the fuck out, haha! 


me and my homey tried to tag team this girl once.  this girl straight up said, "i want to get some vodka and watch some porn with you guys".   not 30 seconds later we're hitting the liquor store.  30 minutes in we're all getting twisted, she starts rubbing herself so we both look at each other like, "hells yeah, let do this!".  we get her naked, we both got our cocks out, he tries to smash from the back, i move up to her mouth to get some head and for about 20 seconds we're rocking this girl, shes loving it.   then she just jumps up and starts going on about how shes feels like a slut, and of course we're both trying to play it off like, "why would you think you're a slut?  theres nothing wrong with liking sex, besides we're like brothers, we share everything anyway." 
sad to say but once a girl gets that, i-feel-like-a-slut mentality, its pretty much a wrap.  my boy drove her home and i rubbed one out in the bathroom, shit sucked!                 

[skate_bored]

went to this chicks house once, did not know her at all, but she was my waitress at a restaurant and straight up gave me her number on the receipt. i figured we'd hang out and at least get to know eachother, because shit, i was a little younger and naive. i figured that if she wanted to "hang out" it meant hang out. i got there and we do the hang out thing for a few, and then shes like lets watch this movie. well, lets watch this movie turned quickly into let me suck the cum out of your dick. she did and i left without even getting halfway into the movie. she wants to "hang out" again a few nights later, which is awesome because hanging out is now my new favorite thing. i drive over to her apartment and the same thing happens except this time she wants sex. this wouldve been the 3rd girl i slept with at that point, with the first 2 being really long term girlfriends. i was nervous, couldnt get it up no matter how much she tried, left with her being really disappointed, and ive never talked to her again.

[HyperBeam]

^^thats awesome.

edit: to faster's story

[nice weather]

too much dick sucking, not enough pathetic in those stories.


My cousin Bobby once went shopping for what must've been the first time in his life and he met a cute girl at a retail store that was sorta flirting with him. They chatted it up for a bit and he asked her what she was going to do in the evening, to which she replied she'd probably hang out at that and that bar in Hamburg. My cousin Bobby lived in a town 100km away from there and rode the train home that day to take a shower and get dressed in his new cool clothes. Maybe that'd be a good conversation starter? It was also in the dead of winter I may add. Later that night he takes the train into the city again, a 1 1/2 hour ride and walks to said bar, where a band is playing and that charges 15,- cover. Since he only brought 30,-(bobby was on a budget) that must've hurt. But all sorrow is forgotten as he sees the cute girl from the shop standing at the bar with a group of people. He walks up and says hey and she looks at him and says hey back, then turns around to her friends and giggles.
Bobby brushs it off like a champ, sits down at the bar and orders a 10,-tequila cocktail. After ten minutes of the girl not paying any more attention to him other than pointing fingers, he walks to the stage and nods to the bands music for a bit, then decides the evening has payed off and leaves. Sadly he's left with only 5,- and the trains already stopped for the day, so he takes a cab for as long as the 5,- can carry him and walks all the way back home from the city outskirts of Hamburg in a snow storm.
I saw him walk to shower the next day and he had shaved his pubes neatly into a heart shape.

[GnArcIsSisTic]

[Joe Pesci]

nice weather, you have now ruined this threads potential because nothing will top that hammer of a story you just bestowed upon us

[Mundungus]

im meeting up with a sexual interest to go to No Age in 30 minutes and the nights probably not going to resolve itself at all like i hope it will.

[jay]

"Cousin Bobby"..  riiiight....

too much dick sucking, not enough pathetic in those stories.


My cousin Bobby once went shopping for what must've been the first time in his life and he met a cute girl at a retail store that was sorta flirting with him. They chatted it up for a bit and he asked her what she was going to do in the evening, to which she replied she'd probably hang out at that and that bar in Hamburg. My cousin Bobby lived in a town 100km away from there and rode the train home that day to take a shower and get dressed in his new cool clothes. Maybe that'd be a good conversation starter? It was also in the dead of winter I may add. Later that night he takes the train into the city again, a 1 1/2 hour ride and walks to said bar, where a band is playing and that charges 15,- cover. Since he only brought 30,-(bobby was on a budget) that must've hurt. But all sorrow is forgotten as he sees the cute girl from the shop standing at the bar with a group of people. He walks up and says hey and she looks at him and says hey back, then turns around to her friends and giggles.
Bobby brushs it off like a champ, sits down at the bar and orders a 10,-tequila cocktail. After ten minutes of the girl not paying any more attention to him other than pointing fingers, he walks to the stage and nods to the bands music for a bit, then decides the evening has payed off and leaves. Sadly he's left with only 5,- and the trains already stopped for the day, so he takes a cab for as long as the 5,- can carry him and walks all the way back home from the city outskirts of Hamburg in a snow storm.
I saw him walk to shower the next day and he had shaved his pubes neatly into a heart shape.

[Bobbito]

damn, some of these stories make me laugh and cringe all at once.

There was this girl the was into my friend Jon. Would always come into the cafe he works at just to chat with him. She tried to hang with him a couple times while a few other friends and I were company and I could tell it wasn't gonna happen for her but she seemed like a cool chick so I figured maybe I'll step in. See her one day after a week absence at the said cafe and she just got a new phone so she insisted we swap digits. [KEEP IN MIND THE THEME OF "INNOCENT FLIRTATION"] Hang out like a week later for the majority of a day; swim, food, driving around, etc. While kickin it at the cafe, my boy Jon pops outside and with a very suggestive tone says "you guys should take a bike ride" cause he knew I was trying to put my penis inside of her vagina. She seemed down, as was I, so we jumped in the car to drive and get our bikes. I wasn't parked at her house so she would've had to drive a little further and when asked if she'd drive to where my car was, she responded with a suggestive smile and a lip bite that in my previous interactions with women led to fierce sex. End up wrestling around in her bed when I try to move in for a kiss. She turns her head away and reminds me of the above red text.........

Very similar and actually more suggestive type flirting had happened between me and her since to the point where she even preached to me about how she's totally single and that she thought I was a really nice kid and that it sucks I have a girlfriend (I don't actually but I had to have my friend be my gf for an hour to ward this psycho cunt away). Luckily, I haven't spoken to her since before xmas.

[LesbianPUNCH]

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.  Dope.

College.  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.  It was perfect.  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.  SOrry, slap.)  And the night was perfect.  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.  I run out to my car, and try to start it.  And my car won't start.  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.  I knock on a neighbors door.  no answer.  I call my friend Matt.  No answer.  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.  And that was the last time I talked to her. 

[saucy ragu]

Ugh, too many nights spent chugging more beers that I can handle, and sending texts that constantly meander around the possibility of making it with women that aren't down. I might remember a specific one later, but for now I'll just read whatever Yo Mr. says, 'cause it's aaweeeesooome.

[NowhereInLife]

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.  Dope.

College.  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.  It was perfect.  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.  SOrry, slap.)  And the night was perfect.  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.  I run out to my car, and try to start it.  And my car won't start.  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.  I knock on a neighbors door.  no answer.  I call my friend Matt.  No answer.  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.  And that was the last time I talked to her. 

haha, fuck that i woulda been on my bicycle talkin about - save the planet!

one time i went to the club where my homie was playing records with these two model girls. one was my apt mate at the time and the other her young friend.  we are at the spot random anonymous dudes buying bottles for our squad because these girls appear in mags and on runways and such.  at one point me and young friend duck into the storage closet behind dj booth to smoke a piece of an L she has.  it's narrow and full of crates i stumble and fall back over one onto a pile of coats.  she lands on top of me suddenly she's purring in my face telling me how much she likes my art. just as our faces touch the curtain to the storage closet slides open and camera flashes go off.  we get pulled back out into the party and resume getting further wasted.  last i see of young friend is her with her face in the toilet at her apt in midtown where we drop her off before heading back to bk.  months later when i join facebook a see her profile with her boyfriend all in it.  she does not accept my request.  sometimes when i'm cruisin down the street and see her on the side of a phone booth, or bus stop kiosk i think damn if only that closet had a real door and not some bullshit curtain.  oh well.

[poopmonkey]

flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.

[Joe Pesci]

i know a lot of people say "_____ is the worst", but fuck it, girls that act like theyre down then dont do shit at game time are the worst

[Bobbito]

These stories are getting me so frustrated that i want to bang my head through my wall right now.

[smokecrack]

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.  Dope.

College.  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.  It was perfect.  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.  SOrry, slap.)  And the night was perfect.  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.  I run out to my car, and try to start it.  And my car won't start.  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.  I knock on a neighbors door.  no answer.  I call my friend Matt.  No answer.  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.  And that was the last time I talked to her. 

fuck man, this one almost made a tear come out my eye. such a heartbreaking story. no bike? no cab money? nothing?!?!

[layzieyez]

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.  Dope.

College.  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.  It was perfect.  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.  SOrry, slap.)  And the night was perfect.  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.  I run out to my car, and try to start it.  And my car won't start.  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.  I knock on a neighbors door.  no answer.  I call my friend Matt.  No answer.  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.  And that was the last time I talked to her. 

You're on a skateboard messageboard.  Don't you own a skateboard?  I'd be fucking skating through dirt roads, mud, and fucking rivers to get at that poon.  How could you give up like that?

[DeerTay]

Expand Quote

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.  Dope.

College.  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.  It was perfect.  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.  SOrry, slap.)  And the night was perfect.  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.  I run out to my car, and try to start it.  And my car won't start.  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.  I knock on a neighbors door.  no answer.  I call my friend Matt.  No answer.  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.  And that was the last time I talked to her. 

[close]

You're on a skateboard messageboard.  Don't you own a skateboard?  I'd be fucking skating through dirt roads, mud, and fucking rivers to get at that poon.  How could you give up like that?

Stories like that are the reason why everyone should own a cruiser. My zip zinger has gotten me out of a no car jam on more than one occasion.

[dolphin titties]

Yah I would have ran my lil heart out, cruisin' like I just broke out of my leg braces.

[magicstickyhand]

Expand Quote

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.  Dope.

College.  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.  It was perfect.  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.  SOrry, slap.)  And the night was perfect.  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.  I run out to my car, and try to start it.  And my car won't start.  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.  I knock on a neighbors door.  no answer.  I call my friend Matt.  No answer.  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.  And that was the last time I talked to her. 

[close]

fuck man, this one almost made a tear come out my eye. such a heartbreaking story. no bike? no cab money? nothing?!?!

[LesbianPUNCH]

Fist of all, I live in the midwest, where there are no buses after 6pm ANYWHERE, where a cab will run your pockets dry.  My bike was probably 10 miles away, stashed in my parents garage, and the bar was literally on the polar opposite end of town, talking 20 miles.  On the highway if there is no traffic, 15 to twenty minute drive.  That isn't really the point.  If I had jumped on my skateboard and booked it, I might have been WAY TOO LATE.  That's the point.  I was ready to start booking it on a skateboard, that's how bad I wanted it, but I knew it was hopeless.

[Stoeipoes]

flew to finland from holland once to meet up with a girl i met in barcelona, turned out she had gotten back together with her boyfriend in the meantime so i didn't get any. weird thing was she was pretty much begging me to come to finland and see her. flight was about 300 euro's. i saw her a year later in barcelona again, she looked really malnourished. i think she has an eating disorder.

hahaha poepaapie

[gmgscigmgsci]

asked out this kinda weird looking girl with a nice tush.  i kinda regret it now.  but oh well.

her idea of a date was making mac and cheese and making out on her couch while her mom was at work.  it wasn't bad i guess.

anyways i was a horny little bastard, and she was in love with me (that feeling went one way), so i decided to start exploring her hairy snatch.  after gettin ready to shove my weiner in her, i fingerblasted her a little bit to get her all preparado.

she keeps exclaiming how she is so wet, and i must have heard this a million times "ok i am so wet, let me check to make sure its not blood"

gross

[PFIASB.]

I meet this girl, and I'm digging her hardcore, in the second grade.?  I sat next to her in all of my classes. she was my best friend and my first real crush.?  We always shared a strange bond throughout the years, and I always thought fondly of her though I saw her less and less each year.?  In the fifth grade, my parents decided to transfer my brother, sister, and I to a new school, which was pretty devastating, and I always thought of her.?  That is, until I got to my new school and jumped in with a new mix of kids, all established in their warm community, all very curious, and all very anxious to know me.?  Dope.

College.?  My brother out of the blue one day asks if I know a so and so, this very, very attractive model (literally) who happens to sit by him in class, who happened to recognize his last name, who remembered me fondly.?  So I tell my brother to say hello for me, and that we should meet up and hang out some time.?  Creepy, I know, but I was curious.?  And then she adds me on facebook, and she is indeed gorgeous.?  We send a few emails back and forth, and this eventually turns into a full-blown back and forth novel exchange, as we both have TOO MUCH in common.?  So after a week or two of this, we decide to meet up.

I arrive at her apartment, one of the nicest apartments I've seen, with the best view of my city, and we meet for the first time since 4th grade.?  It was perfect.?  We walked to the pool and sat in the hot tub all night, talking, and we got cozy.?  She ended up in my lap, running her fingers through my hair (I am getting sappy, this is already sad and nothing sad has happened.?  SOrry, slap.)?  And the night was perfect.?  I walked her home as the sun came up, and I decided to play it classy and just give her a kiss on the cheek, and then I went home.

A few nights later, she calls me up.?  She is out at the bar, and she basically begs me to come, and apparently my friend Matt is there talking to her.?  Matt calls me up, and he sneaks off to tell me that she was saying that if we met up, the deal would be sealed, I would be in that poon until late afternoon.?  I run out to my car, and try to start it.?  And my car won't start.?  So I get frantic, start calling anyone to come pick me up, to help me jump my car.?  I knock on a neighbors door.?  no answer.?  I call my friend Matt.?  No answer.?  A few hours pass, and every 15 minutes I get a call from her, saying she really wants me to come out.?  Of course, she didn't have a car, Matt wasn't on my end of town, so I sat there in an increasingly angry stupor and eventually just fell asleep.

The next day, Matt calls me up and says the broad got wasted and he fingerbanged her and ate her out.?  And that was the last time I talked to her.? 

i know how it feels to have your friend fuck a girl you are in love with

[skate_bored]

my last "2 year relationship" after the first few months....what a waste of time girls can be.

[H8R part 4]

got a new one that happened just last night

so my friend hits me up yesterday saying he wanted to kick it and have some brews.  so he gets to my crib and tells me that this girl hes friends with wants to have us over for dinner...hells yeah lets do this!  so before we head out he tells me that he wants me to have a 3 way with this girl and that shes totally down.  in my mind i'm like WTF!  my homey is married, the girl that wants to get busy is his wifes best friend(whom hes cheated with a few times) and i'm his best friend.  i've known both him and his wife forever, i know both their families, i was the best man at their wedding for christsake! 
so as soon as i get there i start feeling uncomfortable because wtf am i suppose to do?  why is he putting me in this situation?  wtf am i suppose to say to set this shit off?   
so i'm just sitting there wondering if its actually going to go down and its starting to get late so i know its gonna happen sooner than later.  so i head to the bathroom to make sure my dick works because i've been drinking and smoking all night and i don't want to be stuck with a case of whiskey dick if shit starts getting buck.  so i come out of the bathroom and in my head i'm like, 'fuckin a! i'm ready to bang this bitch out!'  so i'm waiting for her or my friend to initiate it since i knew i wasn't going to do it.  i mean, they've fucked before and it was her idea but neither she nor my friend did shit.  i thought me and my homey would be hitting it head and tails, high fiving each other and passing joints and shit but nah.  there were quite a few awkward glances and pauses throughout the night, i thought for sure it was gonna go down but in the end, nothing happened and we ended up bouncing.  what a disappointment.    
 

[Grubby Mits]

What did he say about it afterwards?