"I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring." (I actually really did this with sunglasses and it worked.
"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
"Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
"On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
'I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "
"By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!"
"See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
I love you Mitch Hedberg!
Oh, and Tosh is no legend, but he's funnier than 95 percent of the dudes out there.