This thread is very good. It took me about an hour and half to read last night but I read it all. It has made me think about a lot of things. A lot of things, especially in the first few pages relate to me and I'm quite surprised a lot of other people are in the same position or whatever, weird.
Maybe nobody gives a shit about what I have to say but it's fine, I have been lurking these boards for years but never really posted, here's mine anyway...
I am sometimes embarrased to be a skateboarder, and regret starting sometimes. From the ages of 10-16 I had absolutely nothing going on in my life whatsoever besides skateboarding. It was the only thing I really gave a shit about. Just before I turned 17 (last september) I started going to the pubs and whatnot so I kinda started having a "social life" outside skateboarding. It was really cool at first, you'd see all the people you used to go to school with (left when I was 16) and catch up with them. A lot of people would come up to me and be like "Yo, I still see you skate sometimes, that's pretty cool you've stuck it out so long" and I get kinda stoked on that. Other people are like "isn't that what you do when you're about 13?!" and other people are just dicks about it. I wouldn't have said I was an "outcast" at school but a lot of people wouldnt talk to me pretty much purely for the fact I was a skateboarder. Lame. I'm kinda over the pub now, same people, every week, same conversations etc., bored of it.
There are maybe 7-10 people in my life I can truly say I care about, not including my family. I think the Bob Dylan lyric "All these people we used to know, they're an illusion to me now" applies to me. All these people I was at school at, all my work colleagues etc., they act like they are my best friends but when I hopefully move on in my life in a few years time, I won't really remember or truly care about them.
I don't have a lot of confidence around girls. This is where the "I had nothing in my life but skateboarding" comes in. I didn't really do a lot with my life through these ages, and these are the ages where you kinda start to "experiment" with girls and other things teenagers generally do. I do think I have missed out on some things in life due to skateboarding. I have had some good, infact, fucking amazing times due to skateboarding but I often wonder, "what if..." I am in a position at the moment where I would love to be in a relationship with one of my best friends, but if I tried to make a move, I'd be scared incase she knocked me back or thought less of me. I have been in this position since about last October. It's really, really shit. Whoever said they were single for so long because they always thought they were gonna hook up with the best girl in the bar, that is completely me. I think way too high of myself. This applies to skateboarding as when I get filmed now and again, if I don't land it bolts, it's SHIT. It's not really, and I don't even mind other people landing tricks sketchy or that, but if I do it, then to me it's shit. I just think way too much about everything.
I am pretty lazy. I know teenagers have a tendancy to be lazy or that but I am pretty lazy. I don't have a lot of motivation to much things. I filmed my cousins waiting on the 30th of December last year, kinda as a favour, and I still haven't finished editing it together, because I can not be arsed/have no motivation to do it. That was 5 months ago almost. I feel kinda bad about it and I keep telling myself I need to do it but when it comes to actually doing it, I just think, fuck it, I will tomorrow. The motivation thing comes in with skateboarding too. I go skateboarding near enough everyday it is dry, but I just do the same tricks over and over, the ones I am most comfortable with. Without being bigheaded, I reckon I could have the ability to be quite good at skateboarding, but I just can not be fucked. I will try a new trick once, and think, shit, that was hard, we'll go back to the ones I can do without much effort.
I generally don't tell lies, but for some reason when I am talking to somebody about religion (once in a blue moon), I always tell them I am agnostic, whereas I think I do believe in God. I am not too sure why I do this actually, I'm not too clued up about religion.
I feel pretty guilty about my mam. My dad works 3 on, 3 off in Egypt and my brother is away at university so it is just me and her in the house usually. I work 7.30am - 4.30pm and when I come home, I'll say hello and just come straight on the computer. When my dinner is ready, we will sat and chat for about 5-10 minutes maybe and once that's over, I'll either go out skateboarding if the weather permits, or if not, just sit on the computer all night, then to my bed. She must feel pretty lonely sometimes, and I feel so guilty of not making the effort to be around her. I think my parents think I do not appreciate them or the things they do for me, and deep down I do, but I just don't know how to show it, and this probably comes across as pretty stubborn. They bought me my first car about 4 months ago, and seriously, I was stoked, but I think they thought I not really thankful. If I ever want to buy something, say worth a few hundred quid, they will loan me it usually no problem. They know they will get their money back and I always fully pay them back, but I know a lot of other kids whose parents wouldn't do that for them. She will put off her plans to stay in if I have something coming in the post. My mam is usually so good to me, and I don't know how to be thankful. I am, just don't know how to show it.
This might come across as really lame, but I didn't know what "Karma" was until watching My Name Is Earl. I wouldn't say I believe in "Karma" or whatever I'm supposed to call it, but definitely "what comes around goes around." This started one night I was, yes, skateboarding and we were about leave the spot. My friend said to me "Yeah, so are you ready to go?" and I was like "Yeah, wait till this guy falls on his face." He actually did the next try on whatever trick he was doing I laughed. I think we were heading for this takeaway place for some food and I always ollie this little curb cut thing everytime on the way. I fell on my chin, luckily I managed to laugh it off but since then, if I ever speak shit on anybody, even if it's in my head, I will instantly regret it. I suppose it is making me a slightly better person...
I dislike people who are always negative, but I'm usually pretty negative myself. I try my hardest not to be judgemental, but sometimes, I just can't help it. You know when you see somebody and just think "He MUST be a prick"? I do this all the time.
I do dumb things everyday, like pull really stupid faces, speak to myself etc. to keep myself sane. This might not have made any sense whatsoever, but it does to me.
I really oppose change. I like things the way they are most of the time, but there are many things I would like to change about myself.
I think I've said enough now...
Topic: real confessions (Read 1737064 times)