Author Topic: real confessions  (Read 1654260 times)

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JRF

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10560 on: September 19, 2022, 10:06:40 PM »
//////////

Prostate Exam

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10561 on: September 20, 2022, 12:28:34 AM »
I've never had a deck with a natural colored top veneer and I wish I did 'cause black grip looks so good with it.

You will learn from your mistakes

L33Tg33k

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10562 on: September 20, 2022, 12:22:39 PM »
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being alone is the move
[close]

ThisÖ.
I wouldnít want to show a woman my penis anyway.
Before you say the music sucked, have you considered shutting the fuck up?

sacking rails

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10563 on: September 20, 2022, 02:52:07 PM »
celibacy is key

Jim and Dan

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10564 on: September 23, 2022, 05:31:06 AM »
I spiked some amphetamines and then decided to snort 5 more throughout the day, ultimately taking way too much and just feeling disgusting both physically and emotionally. Then to make sure no bruising was visible on my arm I decided to burn myself with a hot pan, which was a success but subsequently is irritating. I'm a lifelong addict with fairly serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation about to turn 34 next month, I've been off heroin for coming up on 6 years (albeit on suboxone maintenance) and off powdered cocaine/crack for 5 years. I'm currently the Operations Manager for a small food producer in which the owners have completely fucked off, leaving me with no support and the bourdon of shouldering most of the weight of their company in regards to basically every aspect of the company. Simply put, I'm being stretched too thin, overworked and underappreciated. Not to mention that a guy that I brought in to cook for us lasted about an hour before he was being rushed to the emergency room, somehow getting "stuck" on a rotary mixer, spinning around 3 or 4 times on it before being ejected over the back of it (he's lucky he wasn't killed) and is now suing the company despite the fact that he turned machinery on that he was not authorized to utilize (that was last week). Pretty sure he was trying to get a workers compensation claim and it got out of control. Regardless I'm so fucking drained on life, ready to call it a rap if I can't change the situation. I just want to skate, actually be able to put 100% behind it like I did when I was a kid, one of the only things that ever made me happy. I let drugs and the bullshit of existence get in the way of that the last 15+ years and I feel like I've only got one more opportunity to do something meaningful with my skateboard before it's too late. The last part I put out was in 2009 for my friend's video and that was my last real go with filming before drugs really got in the way and besides a couple of other personal fulfilment goals, that is the biggest thing I want to do for myself and myself only, put together a part I can actually be proud of and know I put everything I had into it.     
« Last Edit: September 23, 2022, 08:23:49 AM by Jim and Dan »
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sacking rails

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10565 on: September 23, 2022, 06:04:22 AM »
I spiked some amphetamines and then decided to snort 5 more throughout the day, ultimately taking way too much and just feeling disgusting both physically and emotionally. Then to make sure no bruising was visible on my arm I decided to burn myself with a hot pan, which was a success but subsequently is irritating. I'm a lifelong addict with fairly serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation about to turn 34 next month, I've been off heroin for coming up on 6 years (albeit on suboxone maintenance) and off powdered cocaine/crack for 5 years. I'm currently the Operations Manager for a small food producer in which the owners have completely fucked off, leaving me with no support and the bourdon of shouldering most of the weight of their company in regards to basically every aspect of the company. Simply put, I'm being stretched too thin, overworked and underappreciated. Not to mention that I guy that I brought in to cook for us lasted about an hour before he was being rushed to the emergency room, somehow getting "stuck" on a rotary mixer, spinning around 3 or 4 times on it before being ejected over the back of it (he's lucky he wasn't killed) and is now suing the company despite the fact that he turned machinery on that he was not authorized to utilize. Pretty sure he was trying to get a workers compensation claim and it got out of control. Regardless I'm so fucking drained on life, ready to call it a rap if I can't change the situation. I just want to skate, actually be able to put 100% behind it like I did when I was a kid, one of the only things that ever made me happy. I let drugs and the bullshit of existence get in the way of that the last 15+ years and I feel like I've only got one more opportunity to do something meaningful with my skateboard before it's too late.   
real shit man you got this dont give up

Frank

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10566 on: September 23, 2022, 07:44:36 AM »
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I spiked some amphetamines and then decided to snort 5 more throughout the day, ultimately taking way too much and just feeling disgusting both physically and emotionally. Then to make sure no bruising was visible on my arm I decided to burn myself with a hot pan, which was a success but subsequently is irritating. I'm a lifelong addict with fairly serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation about to turn 34 next month, I've been off heroin for coming up on 6 years (albeit on suboxone maintenance) and off powdered cocaine/crack for 5 years. I'm currently the Operations Manager for a small food producer in which the owners have completely fucked off, leaving me with no support and the bourdon of shouldering most of the weight of their company in regards to basically every aspect of the company. Simply put, I'm being stretched too thin, overworked and underappreciated. Not to mention that I guy that I brought in to cook for us lasted about an hour before he was being rushed to the emergency room, somehow getting "stuck" on a rotary mixer, spinning around 3 or 4 times on it before being ejected over the back of it (he's lucky he wasn't killed) and is now suing the company despite the fact that he turned machinery on that he was not authorized to utilize. Pretty sure he was trying to get a workers compensation claim and it got out of control. Regardless I'm so fucking drained on life, ready to call it a rap if I can't change the situation. I just want to skate, actually be able to put 100% behind it like I did when I was a kid, one of the only things that ever made me happy. I let drugs and the bullshit of existence get in the way of that the last 15+ years and I feel like I've only got one more opportunity to do something meaningful with my skateboard before it's too late.   
[close]
real shit man you got this dont give up
absolutely second that.

L33Tg33k

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10567 on: September 23, 2022, 09:55:40 PM »
I spiked some amphetamines and then decided to snort 5 more throughout the day, ultimately taking way too much and just feeling disgusting both physically and emotionally. Then to make sure no bruising was visible on my arm I decided to burn myself with a hot pan, which was a success but subsequently is irritating. I'm a lifelong addict with fairly serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation about to turn 34 next month, I've been off heroin for coming up on 6 years (albeit on suboxone maintenance) and off powdered cocaine/crack for 5 years. I'm currently the Operations Manager for a small food producer in which the owners have completely fucked off, leaving me with no support and the bourdon of shouldering most of the weight of their company in regards to basically every aspect of the company. Simply put, I'm being stretched too thin, overworked and underappreciated. Not to mention that a guy that I brought in to cook for us lasted about an hour before he was being rushed to the emergency room, somehow getting "stuck" on a rotary mixer, spinning around 3 or 4 times on it before being ejected over the back of it (he's lucky he wasn't killed) and is now suing the company despite the fact that he turned machinery on that he was not authorized to utilize (that was last week). Pretty sure he was trying to get a workers compensation claim and it got out of control. Regardless I'm so fucking drained on life, ready to call it a rap if I can't change the situation. I just want to skate, actually be able to put 100% behind it like I did when I was a kid, one of the only things that ever made me happy. I let drugs and the bullshit of existence get in the way of that the last 15+ years and I feel like I've only got one more opportunity to do something meaningful with my skateboard before it's too late. The last part I put out was in 2009 for my friend's video and that was my last real go with filming before drugs really got in the way and besides a couple of other personal fulfilment goals, that is the biggest thing I want to do for myself and myself only, put together a part I can actually be proud of and know I put everything I had into it.   
Weíre pretty much the exact same age and I think itís important to say that we are still young. You can make a career change and as long as you can roll you can film a part. Sending all the positive vibes bro. You can do it.
Before you say the music sucked, have you considered shutting the fuck up?

mattchew

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10568 on: September 25, 2022, 05:35:43 PM »
I spiked some amphetamines and then decided to snort 5 more throughout the day, ultimately taking way too much and just feeling disgusting both physically and emotionally. Then to make sure no bruising was visible on my arm I decided to burn myself with a hot pan, which was a success but subsequently is irritating. I'm a lifelong addict with fairly serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation about to turn 34 next month, I've been off heroin for coming up on 6 years (albeit on suboxone maintenance) and off powdered cocaine/crack for 5 years. I'm currently the Operations Manager for a small food producer in which the owners have completely fucked off, leaving me with no support and the bourdon of shouldering most of the weight of their company in regards to basically every aspect of the company. Simply put, I'm being stretched too thin, overworked and underappreciated. Not to mention that a guy that I brought in to cook for us lasted about an hour before he was being rushed to the emergency room, somehow getting "stuck" on a rotary mixer, spinning around 3 or 4 times on it before being ejected over the back of it (he's lucky he wasn't killed) and is now suing the company despite the fact that he turned machinery on that he was not authorized to utilize (that was last week). Pretty sure he was trying to get a workers compensation claim and it got out of control. Regardless I'm so fucking drained on life, ready to call it a rap if I can't change the situation. I just want to skate, actually be able to put 100% behind it like I did when I was a kid, one of the only things that ever made me happy. I let drugs and the bullshit of existence get in the way of that the last 15+ years and I feel like I've only got one more opportunity to do something meaningful with my skateboard before it's too late. The last part I put out was in 2009 for my friend's video and that was my last real go with filming before drugs really got in the way and besides a couple of other personal fulfilment goals, that is the biggest thing I want to do for myself and myself only, put together a part I can actually be proud of and know I put everything I had into it.   

Be kind to yourself man. Youíre capable of doing what you have already set out to do.
P R E P A R E  T O  T I M E C O D E

Jim and Dan

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10569 on: September 26, 2022, 07:08:51 AM »
Thank you Pals for your support! It's been a trying time and while I'm continually trying to better my situation through CBT and other forms of therapy, it does get difficult as times to cope with the overwhelming feelings associated with the way that I interpret the world. I feel too much, I love too much and unfortunately those emotions do not always behoove survival when our social fabric as a species is truly poisonous to our humanity; we as human beings are sick.   
Bring back Child of the Ghetto

R.I.P Rusty

Frank

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10570 on: September 26, 2022, 02:00:18 PM »
Thank you Pals for your support! It's been a trying time and while I'm continually trying to better my situation through CBT and other forms of therapy, it does get difficult as times to cope with the overwhelming feelings associated with the way that I interpret the world. I feel too much, I love too much and unfortunately those emotions do not always behoove survival when our social fabric as a species is truly poisonous to our humanity; we as human beings are sick.
it's hard as fuck, but if you stay at it, you'll realize your progress and how big the fact is that you actually can somewhat function despite whatever traumas occured in the past, and realize how strong and competent you actually are. one therapist i'm sadly not seeing anymore told me this. they said that many people don't even realize how great they are actually doing because there is no feedback. to me they said with my history i could be way worse off. told me a few statistics and it made me realize that it's actually huge i haven't actually tried suicide or have been to jail. it made me realize i actually do pretty well for myself all things considered. and being somewhat content gives mental room for planning ahead and bettering your situation/mental health even more.

also i'm always down for getting dm'd if you want to get something off your chest. i can't always offer good advice, but i can listen/read or share thoughts if you want.

you got this homie.

Jim and Dan

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10571 on: September 27, 2022, 04:56:59 AM »
Expand Quote
Thank you Pals for your support! It's been a trying time and while I'm continually trying to better my situation through CBT and other forms of therapy, it does get difficult as times to cope with the overwhelming feelings associated with the way that I interpret the world. I feel too much, I love too much and unfortunately those emotions do not always behoove survival when our social fabric as a species is truly poisonous to our humanity; we as human beings are sick.
[close]
it's hard as fuck, but if you stay at it, you'll realize your progress and how big the fact is that you actually can somewhat function despite whatever traumas occured in the past, and realize how strong and competent you actually are. one therapist i'm sadly not seeing anymore told me this. they said that many people don't even realize how great they are actually doing because there is no feedback. to me they said with my history i could be way worse off. told me a few statistics and it made me realize that it's actually huge i haven't actually tried suicide or have been to jail. it made me realize i actually do pretty well for myself all things considered. and being somewhat content gives mental room for planning ahead and bettering your situation/mental health even more.

also i'm always down for getting dm'd if you want to get something off your chest. i can't always offer good advice, but i can listen/read or share thoughts if you want.

you got this homie.

Ever since I got clean some 5-6 years ago I've made it my mission to constantly better myself through talk and cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, breathing and the shear will to survive, attempting to change my paradigm and relationship to the outside world. As things became easier and life more manageable, being able to view situations in a more positive light, I think that it set me up to be crushed by the weight of world once more. I have a tendency to take things to an extreme, doesn't really matter what it is, school, drugs, skateboarding, life, anything I can grasp on for some form of meaning. Being able to find some form of balance, particularly in the latter, over the last couple of years has just left me feeling a sense of emptiness and a sense of urgency as time rolls by faster and faster, seemingly living in a perpetual groundhogs dog. The anxiety and over-thinking caused by decision making is what's leading me down to falter, as much as I should be happy, I am not and when you combine that with the extreme emotional states, I think that it's a hard thing to cope with when you don't feel complete gratitude for your situation. I know I'm not happy and maybe I should go jump over a railing at Point Loma High and take a "leap of faith" (I know it's not there anymore) to cement the notion that I need to remove myself from my current situation and peruse the things that give me a sense of personal or intellectual fulfillment, as I've been holding myself back at my own expense for the sake of others. I know what staying here long-term will end with, 2 roads in the woods, down one is the eventual erosion of the will to stay clean and the other is death. Maybe in keeping with the Chief theme, I should accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savier... 
Bring back Child of the Ghetto

R.I.P Rusty

Frank

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10572 on: September 27, 2022, 03:48:09 PM »
Expand Quote
Expand Quote
Thank you Pals for your support! It's been a trying time and while I'm continually trying to better my situation through CBT and other forms of therapy, it does get difficult as times to cope with the overwhelming feelings associated with the way that I interpret the world. I feel too much, I love too much and unfortunately those emotions do not always behoove survival when our social fabric as a species is truly poisonous to our humanity; we as human beings are sick.
[close]
it's hard as fuck, but if you stay at it, you'll realize your progress and how big the fact is that you actually can somewhat function despite whatever traumas occured in the past, and realize how strong and competent you actually are. one therapist i'm sadly not seeing anymore told me this. they said that many people don't even realize how great they are actually doing because there is no feedback. to me they said with my history i could be way worse off. told me a few statistics and it made me realize that it's actually huge i haven't actually tried suicide or have been to jail. it made me realize i actually do pretty well for myself all things considered. and being somewhat content gives mental room for planning ahead and bettering your situation/mental health even more.

also i'm always down for getting dm'd if you want to get something off your chest. i can't always offer good advice, but i can listen/read or share thoughts if you want.

you got this homie.
[close]

Ever since I got clean some 5-6 years ago I've made it my mission to constantly better myself through talk and cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, breathing and the shear will to survive, attempting to change my paradigm and relationship to the outside world. As things became easier and life more manageable, being able to view situations in a more positive light, I think that it set me up to be crushed by the weight of world once more. I have a tendency to take things to an extreme, doesn't really matter what it is, school, drugs, skateboarding, life, anything I can grasp on for some form of meaning. Being able to find some form of balance, particularly in the latter, over the last couple of years has just left me feeling a sense of emptiness and a sense of urgency as time rolls by faster and faster, seemingly living in a perpetual groundhogs dog. The anxiety and over-thinking caused by decision making is what's leading me down to falter, as much as I should be happy, I am not and when you combine that with the extreme emotional states, I think that it's a hard thing to cope with when you don't feel complete gratitude for your situation. I know I'm not happy and maybe I should go jump over a railing at Point Loma High and take a "leap of faith" (I know it's not there anymore) to cement the notion that I need to remove myself from my current situation and peruse the things that give me a sense of personal or intellectual fulfillment, as I've been holding myself back at my own expense for the sake of others. I know what staying here long-term will end with, 2 roads in the woods, down one is the eventual erosion of the will to stay clean and the other is death. Maybe in keeping with the Chief theme, I should accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savier...

ah, sorry. i should have guessed that was sort of trivial advice. i totally get the dilemma about balance. this is something i also struggle with. sometimes i feel the need for things to escalate. stability can feel boring and lifeless. like nothing happens.

anyways, i appreciate you. 

Jim and Dan

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10573 on: Today at 05:15:19 AM »
Expand Quote
Expand Quote
Expand Quote
Thank you Pals for your support! It's been a trying time and while I'm continually trying to better my situation through CBT and other forms of therapy, it does get difficult as times to cope with the overwhelming feelings associated with the way that I interpret the world. I feel too much, I love too much and unfortunately those emotions do not always behoove survival when our social fabric as a species is truly poisonous to our humanity; we as human beings are sick.
[close]
it's hard as fuck, but if you stay at it, you'll realize your progress and how big the fact is that you actually can somewhat function despite whatever traumas occured in the past, and realize how strong and competent you actually are. one therapist i'm sadly not seeing anymore told me this. they said that many people don't even realize how great they are actually doing because there is no feedback. to me they said with my history i could be way worse off. told me a few statistics and it made me realize that it's actually huge i haven't actually tried suicide or have been to jail. it made me realize i actually do pretty well for myself all things considered. and being somewhat content gives mental room for planning ahead and bettering your situation/mental health even more.

also i'm always down for getting dm'd if you want to get something off your chest. i can't always offer good advice, but i can listen/read or share thoughts if you want.

you got this homie.
[close]

Ever since I got clean some 5-6 years ago I've made it my mission to constantly better myself through talk and cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, breathing and the shear will to survive, attempting to change my paradigm and relationship to the outside world. As things became easier and life more manageable, being able to view situations in a more positive light, I think that it set me up to be crushed by the weight of world once more. I have a tendency to take things to an extreme, doesn't really matter what it is, school, drugs, skateboarding, life, anything I can grasp on for some form of meaning. Being able to find some form of balance, particularly in the latter, over the last couple of years has just left me feeling a sense of emptiness and a sense of urgency as time rolls by faster and faster, seemingly living in a perpetual groundhogs dog. The anxiety and over-thinking caused by decision making is what's leading me down to falter, as much as I should be happy, I am not and when you combine that with the extreme emotional states, I think that it's a hard thing to cope with when you don't feel complete gratitude for your situation. I know I'm not happy and maybe I should go jump over a railing at Point Loma High and take a "leap of faith" (I know it's not there anymore) to cement the notion that I need to remove myself from my current situation and peruse the things that give me a sense of personal or intellectual fulfillment, as I've been holding myself back at my own expense for the sake of others. I know what staying here long-term will end with, 2 roads in the woods, down one is the eventual erosion of the will to stay clean and the other is death. Maybe in keeping with the Chief theme, I should accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savier...
[close]

ah, sorry. i should have guessed that was sort of trivial advice. i totally get the dilemma about balance. this is something i also struggle with. sometimes i feel the need for things to escalate. stability can feel boring and lifeless. like nothing happens.

anyways, i appreciate you.

I do appreciate the words Frank. I'm not sure if this applies to all skateboards but I feel like the things that draw us to this don't necessarily breed human beings that enjoy the monotony of a "normal" existence or at least what's been fed to us. The irony is that I grew up in a scenario where those raising me didn't exactly take the predestined social role of the 9-5'er, instead choosing to pursue their passions and in the end, it didn't always work out for them or make them happy, it was a struggle a lot of the time with plenty of sacrifices. I never wanted to lead the life I currently live, I fucking loath it with all my being and as previously stated, I'm grateful for where I am but I'm not happy. I can be happy with very little but this daily pursuit of financial gain isn't cutting it, breaking my spirit for the sake of people undeserving. I know I shouldn't be the judge of that but fuck it, if you were in my place I almost guarantee you'd be singing the same tune. But at the same token I shouldn't complain, I just have to sack the fuck up and put myself first. That notion is something that's very strange and difficult for me, as I feel like I spent 15 years putting my addiction first and foremost, being a selfish asshole. The program teaches us that our addictions were the pinnacle of selfishness and that we need to be of service to others, while at the same time putting ourselves first, notions that seems to be in diametric opposition to each other. I know the services aspect is supposed to be in later sobriety when you're stable enough to not run to your poison of choice and I'm certainly there, while the idea of putting yourself first should be more for the early stages. I really do try to heed advice and take it one day at a time, but I don't want to just accept everything blindly. I'm in bonus time, been given a 2nd chance at life and need to make it fucking count...
Bring back Child of the Ghetto

R.I.P Rusty

IusedToSkateMore

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Re: real confessions
« Reply #10574 on: Today at 05:27:21 PM »
Itís awesome to see that this thread has continued on all these yearsÖ back when I first made this thread in 06/07 I use to post a lot of stupid shit (I still probably do, or will) I was pretty fucked off on prescribed ssriís and benzos that I really didnít need to be prescribed. In the end, Iíve been so much better off without those meds..

So thatís sort of a confession I guess..

Heres a more telling and harder confession to make..

I relapsed recently, but it was short lived, just a couple of days and Iím back on track now. I know that ďrelapseĒ is a part of recovery, but still, Iím really fucking ashamed of myself for it. 7 years clean off heroin,meth,MDMA and ketamine. I guess the length of how long I stayed clean is what Iím ashamed of the most.. Iím taking the proper steps to not slip up again.. but still, itís a really shitty feeling.. I was confident that I would never succumb to a relapse,,, but it can happen I guess..

I remember plastic bench nerd. Damn. I'm not gonna doxx my old names lol but I've got a thread that's still floating around somewhat regularly  ;) starvingrobot hit me up last year...
stay high, lay low