Jerry Hsu on We clothing's website
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This is the story of Jerry Hsu.
Jerry grew up in San Jose, California. As a youngster his neighbor--a man named Mark Johnson, oddly enough--gave him his first skateboard. It was a special board, a board with ninjas on it, and Jerry spent many a blissful afternoon getting towed around the neighborhood by friends on bikes.
Years went by, and it was around the age of eleven or twelve that Jerry began skating competitively. Jerry wanted a better skateboard but his mom was convinced that skateboarding was a passing fad in Jerry’s life.
"Why should I get you a skateboard if after a week you’ll never play with it again?" his mom asked her young son.
"I guess I showed her," Jerry remarks, reflecting on that turning point in his life.
At the age of fifteen Jerry got sponsored by NC boardshop, and a week later a different Marc Johnson put Jerry on Maple skateboards. Since that day Jerry’s career has steadily soared, with Jerry reaping all the benefits of skateboard stardom, from pro boards, to pro shoes, to pro hoes.
In addition to his skateboarding talents, artistic aptitude, and brooding good looks (that’s actually my girlfriend’s description of Jerry, not mine), Jerry also possesses a fine sense of humor. Rather than blather on about Jerry’s many delightful attributes and idiosyncrasies, I turn the rest of this profile to Jerry’s fans, Jerry’s kids, if you will. What do Jerry’s true admirers, those lovers of all things Hsu, really want to know about their beloved idol? Nothing particularly intelligent, it appears…
[I’ve included my commentary in the bracketed boxes beneath each answer, my feeble attempt to help you decipher the baffling and often peculiar comments of The Hsu]
Have you ever tasted a cats balls? If so, what do they taste like?
--Perry Stevens, Grand Falls, Minnesota
I’ve never tasted a cat’s balls. Don’t believe everything you see, but believe everything you hear.
[I believe this question pertains to a rather worrisome photo that circulated around the internet, a photo of Jerry simulating oral sex with a feline]
To what lengths will you go to ensure your attractiveness?
--Roger Mills, Kansas City, Kansas
I totally agree.
[I’m not sure what this refers to]
You’re friends with MJ right? Could you get me on Chocolate?
--Ted Barrow, Brooklyn, New York
No.
[Whoever wrote this question is a moron]
Is it true you invented the Hsu flip?
--Yvgeny Krystovsky, Ashdod, Israel
If there ever were such a thing, then yes I suppose so.
[It has come to my attention that nollie frontside flips are referred to as "Hsu flips" in the Middle East, a trick Jerry is largely responsible for popularizing]
Who was that as breezy all naked and shit on the WESC site? Is she single?
--Name Withheld, Richmond, California
No, my girlfriend is not single.
[Frequent viewers of the WESC clothing site may have caught a briefly posted photo of Jerry and his topless girlfriend on the website. Initially posted by Chris "The Pervert" Pastras, the photo was taken down after Jerry’s girlfriend complained]
Do you consider yourself a wind-swept traveler like Reed or a conquering tyrant like Hughes?
--Chick Peters, Kalamazoo, Michigan
I would say precocious lily-hugger like Doogie Howser.
[I’m not sure what this reference to Doogie Howser means]
If you were stranded on a desert island with one member of the Osiris team – wait you’re on the Osiris team… uh, okay. The Fallen team, who would you pick and why?
--Darren Jackson, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
I would pick Stevie Williams, for his innate abilities to cope with nature.
[Ah, no interview is complete without a hypothetical "stranded on a desert island" question]
What is your favourite camera?
--Lloyd Worthington, Bristol, England
Hidden.
[Whoa, that’s creepy]
Your thoughts on Simon Woodstock?
--Mike Ratcliffe, Santa Rosa, California
As a child I was tricked into thinking I liked what he did--a general resentment.
[Jerry was not the only child tricked into liking Simon Woodstock]
Who is your favorite scientologist?
--L. Ron Barrow, Brooklyn, New York
Batman’s a scientist.
[I would have said Beck]
You know that one ad where you and Rattray and the Butcher are checking out a clip? What was it? Was it cool?
--Bela Kiltelk, Albany, New York
It was actual footage of 50 Cent’s hand being severed by the Lamborghini style doors on his Escalade. Gruesome.
[Jerry’s a huge 50 cent fan. During his runs at the recent Tampa pro contest he wouldn’t even go out on this course to begin his run unless G-Unit were playing over the sound system]
Could you send Ted some of your WESC package?
--Ted Barrow, Brooklyn, New York
No.
[Jerry understandably doesn’t want to share his high quality WESC package]
You’re Chinese.
--Rebby Hutchinson, Little Rock, Arkansas
Me play joke, me put pee pee in your coke.
[Not much of a question, that one. Good answer though]
You’re going out with Devindra right? Yah, because I know cuz she used to go out with this guy Ray who was in this one band that was pretty good, and then she dumped him for this dude John who was in this other more successful band, and now she’s with you, and you’re even more famous?
--Tim Eastman, Mountain View, California
Correct.
[Not sure what that was about]
In true SJ tradition, shouldn’t you change your name to JJ Hsu?
--Rebecca Hanson, Chicago, Illinois
San Jose mythology is nothing to be taken literally.
[Yet another bad question. I believe this refers to the illustrious San Jose skater known as JJ Rogers]
Who is the handsomest man in skating? The ugliest?
--The Carrot, Berkeley, California
All I know is Chris Pastras is the drunkest.
[Jerry treads into dangerous territory on this one, with his insult of a powerful industry honcho]
You travel a lot which is pretty cool.
--Ed, Burlington, Vermont
Mmm-hm.
[Again, we have more of a statement than a question]
Why do you still live in San Jose? Do you ever refer to it as "San Ho"? Do you think the term "San Ho" is demeaning to women?
--Josh Jones, San Diego, California
Women aren’t people, they’re things. So, no.
[Jerry is joking! He actually loves women]
If you were fighting a medieval battle with medieval weapons. What would be your weapon of choice?
--Wayne Starr, Wellington, New Zealand
Well, if I were engaging in melee combat with, say, a 4th level minaur or wizard, I would opt for a +1 flaming light mace.
[Before he got interested in skateboarding Jerry loved all things fantastic, and was even president of a neighborhood Dungeons and Dragons club for the duration of 5th grade]
What kind of homoerotic activities went down at the Crayfish party?
--J.R. Williams, Dogtown, California
Just me jumping off that table. The things I do for money...
[I am at loss to offer an insight to Jerry’s answer]
What is your favourite Chinese cuisine?
--Jason Korgan, San Anselmo, California
If I could cook all my friends’ dogs and eat them, I would.
[I assure you he’s joking!]
Can you speak Chinese?
--Little D, Westbrook, Texas
Pork fry rie, chicken chow mein.
[Jerry’s audience seems to have a bizarre fascination with his Asiatic heritage]
How comes Sweden is so perfect and stuff?
--Petr Verklat, Little Falls, Minnesota
Flawless inbreeding.
[Ooh, good answer! All that inbreeding didn’t work out so well for England, however]
On your myspace page there are many legions of adoring boys who want to tell you how sick your style is and how underrated you are. I have only one thing to ask you. When is it all enough? How much approval do you actually need?
--Caz Bilson, Salt Lake City, Utah
Apparently, fucking tons.
[I don’t have a myspace account so I’m not sure what these guys are talking about]
At this point Jerry wordlessly deposited the questionnaire in my lap--leaving several dozen questions unanswered--and proceeded over to the nearest window. Ignoring the fact that we were in a crowded, three-story restaurant, Jerry opened the nearest window and slithered out of it, causing much commotion among the restaurant’s patrons. Jerry then proceeded to climb down the side of the building, and before anybody could stop him, he hailed a cab and disappeared. That was over a week ago. I haven’t heard from him since.
Jerry, if you’re reading this, the bill at the restaurant came to $21.75. Just give me a ten and we’ll call it even. Cash or a check will do.
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