Awkward Sexual Experiences

[Xtal]

SodaJark, which woman's pants are you trying to get into? Minty, ice, or Alan's? Me fink you're doing an awful lot of White Knighting mate and coming awf pritt-ee desperate.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

you`re an idiot.

[MintySandwhich]

Slap right now

[SodaJerk]

SodaJark, which woman's pants are you trying to get into? Minty, ice, or Alan's? Me fink you're doing an awful lot of White Knighting mate and coming awf pritt-ee desperate.

I know right, you on the other hand look so butch. Focus your account and make a new one with a username that suits your manly butchness, something like ButchWhoreFuckerBigDickLegendEpic69, or IGNWHORED, whatever pumps up your ego. Do you even lift brah? Nice working with you champ.

[Tay]

The effort to sanitize language of potentially offensive words or phrases is misguided and doomed to failure. It misunderstands the nature of language. Absolutely pathetic how men keep perpetuating the double standard of feminism. Keep living in your fantasy land...

What? Would you please elaborate.

[Xtal]

Women reminiscing about sex with men, using dirty talk, or touching them in a sexual manner (with or without permission) privately or publicly - accepted, rewarded, seen as a confidence booster for men.

Men reminiscing about sex with women, talking dirty, or touching them in a sexual manner (with permission) privately or publicly - seen as disrespectful, men are labeled as perverts or pigs, could be charged with a crime at any time if she decides to yell the four-letter word.

If you deny that this is true, you are not only completely full of shit, you should probably cut off your dick and balls and start calling yourself Caitlyn.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

you`re an idiot.

[SodaJerk]

Women reminiscing about sex with men, using dirty talk, or touching them in a sexual manner (with or without permission) privately or publicly - accepted, rewarded, seen as a confidence booster for men.

Men reminiscing about sex with women, talking dirty, or touching them in a sexual manner (with permission) privately or publicly - seen as disrespectful, men are labeled as perverts or pigs, could be charged with a crime at any time if she decides to yell the four-letter word.

If you deny that this is true, you are not only completely full of shit, you should probably cut off your dick and balls and start calling yourself Caitlyn.

I feel you brah, it's so hard being male middle classed and white. The burden on your shoulders is intense. Broads, black people, gays, transgendered people all have it so easy without all that expectation weighing on their backs. So you didn't answer my question, do you even lift?

[perverted super otaku!]

If you don't get how much women are sexually fucked with from a young age and many even in childhood, and why that means you should treat them more sensitively in matters like that, you are incredibly out of touch. I hope you are trolling with all this shit.

[SodaJerk]

If you don't get how much women are sexually fucked with from a young age and many even in childhood, and why that means you should treat them more sensitively in matters like that, you are incredibly out of touch. I hope you are trolling with all this shit.

*Do you even lift bro? Your shit is fucked up and you talk like a fag. * Xtal talk.

[Tay]

Women reminiscing about sex with men, using dirty talk, or touching them in a sexual manner (with or without permission) privately or publicly - accepted, rewarded, seen as a confidence booster for men.

Men reminiscing about sex with women, talking dirty, or touching them in a sexual manner (with permission) privately or publicly - seen as disrespectful, men are labeled as perverts or pigs, could be charged with a crime at any time if she decides to yell the four-letter word.

If you deny that this is true, you are not only completely full of shit, you should probably cut off your dick and balls and start calling yourself Caitlyn.

Seems like a very narrow-minded and depressing view to have of people. I always liked to think that everyone is an individual independent from their own "categories".

I'm sure similar situations to the one you described occur. But let me put it this way; I was sexually assaulted when I was young. It would be a cop-out to blame men as a whole, which would make ME the asshole. Sure I'll feel justified, but then I have to live with all that hate in my heart. The simplest little things would upset me, and I'd be an unbearable cunt. I would cess to see men as people, just like you cess to see women as people. What a limiting and dull world we'd live in.

I gots AIS so I'm half Caitlyning my life.  

[Lance]

This thread is derailing/derailed into pure shit.  This was one of the best threads on the board. 

May we please return to people telling their "Awkward Sexual Experiences". 

If you'd like to cat fight slide into each others DM's please.

[straight]

I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid.  I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff?  He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms.  Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting.  He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics.   So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.  

He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that.  He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess.  I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again.  I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix".  So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.  

So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat.  He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all.  Was like talking to any other guy or girl.  I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light.  Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.  

Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells.  I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird.  Like a nursing home, I think.  Not rotten, almost like mildew.  And it is so strong.

Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay.  Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong.  I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?"  But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum.  With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time.  So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.  

He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours.  He goes and I walk him back to the car.  People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them."  Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.

I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with.  We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that."  So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice.  And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure."  He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl!  Face and all, looks good!  And I'm so fucking confused!  So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."

So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots.  This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka.  We're watching a movie.  We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle.  Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this.  I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs.  I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt.  He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.  

I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.  I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff?  So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in.  Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed.  I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers.  I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up.  I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits.  Then four.  I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS.  And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe.  I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible."  And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess?  I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass.  Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes.  He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed.  He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen.  So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no.  So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired."  And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia).  He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion.  He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.  

So he takes off.  I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes.  It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore.  Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything.  Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.

[Xtal]

I'm starting to get kinda bored with this thread. Hopefully my last post will end the whiny bitchfest initiated by JarkyJark and bring everyone back to reality. Sadly, many of you ladies will keep posting emotionally driven responses about how much you fight for a social cause that you so believe you are actually a part of. When in reality you are accomplishing nothing other than looking like a person.

[perverted super otaku!]

Expand Quote

I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid.  I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff?  He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms.  Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting.  He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics.   So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.  

He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that.  He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess.  I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again.  I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix".  So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.  

So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat.  He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all.  Was like talking to any other guy or girl.  I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light.  Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.  

Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells.  I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird.  Like a nursing home, I think.  Not rotten, almost like mildew.  And it is so strong.

Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay.  Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong.  I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?"  But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum.  With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time.  So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.  

He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours.  He goes and I walk him back to the car.  People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them."  Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.

I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with.  We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that."  So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice.  And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure."  He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl!  Face and all, looks good!  And I'm so fucking confused!  So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."

So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots.  This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka.  We're watching a movie.  We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle.  Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this.  I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs.  I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt.  He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.  

I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.  I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff?  So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in.  Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed.  I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers.  I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up.  I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits.  Then four.  I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS.  And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe.  I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible."  And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess?  I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass.  Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes.  He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed.  He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen.  So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no.  So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired."  And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia).  He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion.  He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.  

So he takes off.  I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes.  It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore.  Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything.  Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.

[close]

oh man, the funniest part is that he is thinking about SLAP while this whole thing is playing out

[SodaJerk]

I'm starting to get kinda bored with this thread. Hopefully my last post will end the whiny bitchfest initiated by JarkyJark and bring everyone back to reality. Sadly, many of you ladies will keep posting emotionally driven responses about how much you fight for a social cause that you so believe you are actually a part of. When in reality you are accomplishing nothing other than looking like a person.

Do you even fucking LIFT?

[shark tits]

my buddy was down in baton rouge and we stayed up drinking all night. i was passed out w/ my girl at the time and ol boy's wife was getting up for work and he asks for a 'before you go to work and i pass out handjob'.
his wife controls the finances, him and everything else nowadays but back then she didn't leverage her powers, she acquiesced to jerk him off before a grueling 8 hour day while we slept off a good drunk.
'use some lube' he demanded.
she grabbed some lotion that was apparently alcohol based.
after his handjob blandjob i don't understand job he tried to pee and it hurt. excruciating!
so he tells his old lady, let's go to the hospital. some of that lotion went in my peehole and they're gonna hafta knock me out or something.
now when he's in the ER he isn't truthful cause he's shy or something and the doctors rightly believe he's got an STD. what else would you think if dude ain't giving you straight answers and he's got a scumbag's beard and visible tattoos? and he's 7AM drunk?
so he wants them to 'knock me out so i can pee' like a little would dribble out in his sleep maybe?
i don't know but he's got 8 hours of beer swirling around inside of him and he says he leaned over on a chair and it fell over, he fell over, he's on the cold linoleum w/ his bare ass hanging out and pee just starts shooting out of him!
so apparently enough urine had gone out to cleanse his urethra and he just let the pee flow out and mopped it up w/ his johnny gown.
got home and told me later when i woke up like 'don't ever repeat that'.
comedy overrules privacy so i have been repeating ever since whenever i get a chance.

[Gray Imp Sausage Metal]

Expand Quote

I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid.  I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff?  He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms.  Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting.  He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics.   So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.  

He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that.  He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess.  I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again.  I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix".  So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.  

So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat.  He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all.  Was like talking to any other guy or girl.  I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light.  Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.  

Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells.  I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird.  Like a nursing home, I think.  Not rotten, almost like mildew.  And it is so strong.

Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay.  Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong.  I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?"  But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum.  With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time.  So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.  

He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours.  He goes and I walk him back to the car.  People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them."  Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.

I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with.  We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that."  So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice.  And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure."  He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl!  Face and all, looks good!  And I'm so fucking confused!  So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."

So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots.  This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka.  We're watching a movie.  We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle.  Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this.  I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs.  I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt.  He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.  

I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.  I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff?  So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in.  Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed.  I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers.  I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up.  I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits.  Then four.  I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS.  And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe.  I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible."  And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess?  I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass.  Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes.  He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed.  He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen.  So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no.  So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired."  And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia).  He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion.  He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.  

So he takes off.  I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes.  It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore.  Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything.  Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.

[close]

I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpiece 

[Willie]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid.  I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff?  He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms.  Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting.  He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics.   So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.  

He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that.  He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess.  I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again.  I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix".  So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.  

So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat.  He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all.  Was like talking to any other guy or girl.  I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light.  Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.  

Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells.  I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird.  Like a nursing home, I think.  Not rotten, almost like mildew.  And it is so strong.

Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay.  Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong.  I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?"  But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum.  With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time.  So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.  

He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours.  He goes and I walk him back to the car.  People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them."  Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.

I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with.  We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that."  So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice.  And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure."  He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl!  Face and all, looks good!  And I'm so fucking confused!  So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."

So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots.  This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka.  We're watching a movie.  We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle.  Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this.  I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs.  I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt.  He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.  

I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.  I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff?  So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in.  Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed.  I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers.  I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up.  I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits.  Then four.  I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS.  And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe.  I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible."  And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess?  I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass.  Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes.  He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed.  He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen.  So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no.  So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired."  And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia).  He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion.  He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.  

So he takes off.  I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes.  It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore.  Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything.  Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.

[close]

[close]

I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpiece 

Holy shit. How did I miss this? Amazing.

[CigaretteBeer]

Last night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.

[Xtal]

Last night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.

She's a keeper for sure. God bless her...

[Dr Steve Brule]

Last night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.

I lived with this girl for a while back in college. She was great, sex was great, bla bla bla. I was super into anal back then, and she was way into it too. It was awesome at the time, I didn't really mind the 'poo poo penis'. But one night she encouraged me to blow my load in her ass, and who would say no to that? So I blew my load, and after a minute she ran to the bathroom, which was right next door to my room. I could hear her basically pissing out of her ass in the room next to me. I could hear her squirting out the lube, jizz, and poop straight into the toilet. You know that sound of filling a toilet with your liquid shit? It totally sounded like that.

[doublesteveburger]

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I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid.  I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff?  He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms.  Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting.  He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics.   So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later.  

He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that.  He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess.  I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again.  I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix".  So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together.  

So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat.  He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all.  Was like talking to any other guy or girl.  I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light.  Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything.  

Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells.  I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird.  Like a nursing home, I think.  Not rotten, almost like mildew.  And it is so strong.

Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay.  Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong.  I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?"  But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum.  With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time.  So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants.  

He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours.  He goes and I walk him back to the car.  People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them."  Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.

I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with.  We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that."  So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice.  And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure."  He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl!  Face and all, looks good!  And I'm so fucking confused!  So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."

So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots.  This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka.  We're watching a movie.  We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle.  Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this.  I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs.  I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt.  He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it.  

I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.  I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff?  So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in.  Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed.  I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers.  I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up.  I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits.  Then four.  I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS.  And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe.  I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible."  And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess?  I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass.  Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes.  He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed.  He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen.  So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no.  So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired."  And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia).  He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion.  He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go.  

So he takes off.  I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes.  It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore.  Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything.  Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.

[close]

[close]

I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpiece 

[close]

Holy shit. How did I miss this? Amazing.

I remember this post like it was yesterday. Classic SLAP.

I remember how vivid an image it painted in my head and of course giggling at the thought of the dude thinking about SLAP in the midst of all this. It's a masterpiece indeed and one of the most genuine from the heart posts I've ever read on here, regardless of the graphic content.

[Xtal]

Expand Quote

Last night I was fucking this chick in the ass and noticed a dark spot on my dick. I pulled out and said " um there's something weird on my dick". She held my penis in her hand and started inspecting it. She said "oh, that's nothing" and flicked the poop chunk off with her finger, sending it sailing into the darkness untill I heard it thud against a wall. She then put my cock in her mouth and started working away. Less then a minute later she stopped and pulled something out of her mouth. It was another poop chunk that was hiding on the bottom side of my dick. She casually tossed it to the floor and started sucking again. I was repulsed but tried to close my eyes and think of something to keep my boner alive. No good. All I could think about was shit and slowly my erection lost it's life. She asked what was wrong. I said I was just tired and the meds I'm on sometimes make it hard to maintain a boner for a long peroid of time. She seemed okay with the excuse. When I got up she tried to kiss me but I quickly backed away. She asked what my problem was and I said I felt sick and hurried to the bathroom. When I was in there I started making fake vomitting noises and kept flushing the toilet while I scrubbed my dick and balls. Anal sex seems like a great idea in theory, but the few times I've had poo penis make me never want to attempt it again.

[close]

I lived with this girl for a while back in college. She was great, sex was great, bla bla bla. I was super into anal back then, and she was way into it too. It was awesome at the time, I didn't really mind the 'poo poo penis'. But one night she encouraged me to blow my load in her ass, and who would say no to that? So I blew my load, and after a minute she ran to the bathroom, which was right next door to my room. I could hear her basically pissing out of her ass in the room next to me. I could hear her squirting out the lube, jizz, and poop straight into the toilet. You know that sound of filling a toilet with your liquid shit? It totally sounded like that.

Dr. Steve Brule, master of anal creampies

[tobey]

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I was talking to this ladyboy (yes, I knew from the beginning) for a while online, met him on okcupid. � I never did anything with a guy, but I figure if he looks and sounds enough like a girl then fuck it, what's the diff? � He was really nerdy and shut-in so I didn't figure he was the type to be hanging out in rest stop bathrooms. � Turns out he lives pretty close and we started snapchatting. � He looks short and skinny like a bit more chinful Alexa Chung in pics. �  So I ask him if he wants to hang out and he comes over a few days later. � 

He calls me to say he's here and the first time I answer I'm like terrified he's gonna sound like a dude, and I dunno if I can take that. � He puts on some approximation of a girl which was comforting, I guess. � I have to go out in the parking lot to find him and when I finally see him and I see his face and it's essentially a dude with a girls haircut; great big nose and chin; I'm like "yo!" and I am kind of struggling to not look at him again. � I keep saying like "you want to drink? We need to go get some juice or something to mix". � So we go to the store and every time he would get in front of me I would look at his ass in these girls jeans and it's so little and puny like the pockets are touching together. � 

So we go back to my place and we hang out and he beats me bad at Mortal Kombat. � He's super easy to talk to though, so that wasn't a hurdle at all. � Was like talking to any other guy or girl. � I turn out the lights to watch some anime movie and look over and realize he looks way better in the soft light. � Like could totally be a night model, and start drinking... and after about 3 drinks I start to kind of rub his elbow, and he's not shying away or anything. � 

Let me take a moment to address the way this dude smells. � I don't know if its the shots of estrogen or some weird perfume, but this dude smelled so fucking weird. � Like a nursing home, I think. � Not rotten, almost like mildew. � And it is so strong.

Now I start pushing up on him and I got my hand up his shirt rubbing his stomach and stuff, and I start inching a pinky down the top of his pants and this is the first realization that what I'm doing is pretty gay. � Because my finger brushes up against the tip of his dong. � I start thinking like "what the fuuuuck am I doing?? Why am I doing this?" � But I'm drunk and the train is already building up momentum. � With any girl, I'm just like "target acquired", and it's just go time. � So I kiss his cheek and I start rubbing his butt and he's kissing me back and I touch his dick and it's so weird and little, like he's wearing low rise girls pants and the thing is hard, but it's still not making it out of the top of his pants. � 

He kind of rolls over and sits on me and is like "what time is it?" and I hop up and grab my phone and am like "midnight", so he's been there about 6 hours. � He goes and I walk him back to the car. � People see us and I immediately begin to appreciate how a lot gay people must feel all day every day, like "I hope they don't just decide to jump us for walking past them." � Anyway, we say goodbye and he goes.

I immediately block his number and snapchat and all that, but after a few hours I think "Dude's fun to hang out with. � We like the same stuff and he's pretty funny and all that." � So I unblock him from everything and he doesn't seem to notice. � And we talk some more and I'm like "want to hang out Monday?" and he's like "sure." � He sends me some snapchats of him in some lingerie and he looks like a skinny hot girl! � Face and all, looks good! � And I'm so fucking confused! � So I'm like "gonna wear that skirt Monday?" and he's all "if that's what you want."

So he shows up in this skirt and some weird white leather cowboy boot things and I'm just so bummed because, once again, it's a dude in a skirt and some fruity boots. � This time I just immediately start knocking back the vodka. � We're watching a movie. � We drink all the vodka, and I just starting drinking Jager from the bottle. � Which isn't abnormal, I like the taste of it, but I'm really trying to get drunk for this. � I start touching his legs, and they're like girls legs. � I start rubbing his butt and it's like a girls butt. � He's wearing a thong which makes me laugh now when I think about it. � 

I start rubbing his gooch because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. � I know what girls like, but what the shit do I do with this stuff? � So I start rubbing on his asshole... start pushing some digits in. � Rubbing his dong and stuff and I'm so bummed. � I so badly want it to be girl parts and I'm treating his dong like a big clit refusing to stroke just rubbing it with the middle and ring fingers. � I start using more and more fingers and I stop for a second and think of Band's sig of that dude greasing his hand up. � I grab a bottle of lube from the other room... I come back and start doing three digits. � Then four. � I'm literally doing my best to fist this DUDE'S. ASS. � And it starts smelling so bad like a fucking broken sewer pipe. � I just start thinking "How the fuck does GAY do this? It's so horrible." � And I can't quite get past the knuckles and he's into it, I guess? � I can feel little bits of shit going up in my nails and getting all over his ass. � Eventually he says it hurts, so I stop, and go wash my hand for five minutes. � He wants to go lay down, so we go lay on the bed. � He starts bending over and pushing his ass at me and saying "You have a condom, right?" and I am so fucking limp like a fucking shoe string no way no how that is going to happen. � So I just flip him over and I'm kissing his stomach and hips and I can feel his ball hairs brushing across my mouth and I'm biting his thighs and tugging on his ridiculously hard crooked little dong and stuff but I just CANNOT BLOW HIM, no, no-no. � So I just kind of roll off and am like "my arm's tired." � And I go back to the other room and start the movie up again (we were watching Arachnophobia). � He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him farting like a fucking whoopee cushion. � He comes out and sits down and after a few minutes he says he needs to go. � 

So he takes off. � I washed my hand for, at least, another 20 minutes with vinegar, bleach, peroxide, rubbing sliced lemons and limes all over it, I boiled my ring for like 45 minutes. � It took 2 days for it to go away, or at least for me to be able to notice it anymore. � Haven't talked to him since, blocked him on everything. � Anyway, if you ever see a tranny and think "what's the diff?", that's the diff.

[close]

[close]

I would honestly be surprised if anyone anywhere could ever top this story. I want to highlight my fav parts but the whole thing is a masterpiece� 

[close]

Holy shit. How did I miss this? Amazing.

[close]

I remember this post like it was yesterday. Classic SLAP.

I remember how vivid an image it painted in my head and of course giggling at the thought of the dude thinking about SLAP in the midst of all this. It's a masterpiece indeed and one of the most genuine from the heart posts I've ever read on here, regardless of the graphic content.

I want band back so bad. I would always just start laughing whenever i saw that sig, he beat Will in the gif game and that says a lot because i like Will's gif game

[Hercules Rockefeller]

the part with "i JUST CANNOT BLOW HIM" brings me close to tears every time.

[ttching!]

Always douche before anal.

[h00man]

Why isn't this on the first page?! Someone tell a story! Lie for all I fucking care

[givecigstosurfgroms]

  I met a girl on the stairs outta the skytrain.  Started talking and we hung out and kissed.  We courted for about two days over that week and finally at 2 or 3 am we had sex.   Afterward she's very happy and expressive but because I'm now using her computer she get's angry.  The very instant she got irked I could feel it and I instinctively started to stand up and I'm looking at her and she is starting to realize I'm leaving (just as I was realizing it myself).  This is all happening over the period of 2 or 3 seconds.  She starts to scream and I   b-lined out the door grabbing my skateboard.  Relationship over.  -This ended up being a condensed version that mirrors most of my relationships with girlfriends (even some longer term ones).  The exceptions make it worth it.

[FrenchFriedClownFingers]

Always douche before anal.

this. make that lady get a at home enema and you will truly know all the wonders that her asshole has to offer..

oh yeah, one time i was letting this girl sit on my face while eating her out and she squirted in my mouth enough to fill it