HOW TO BE A DITCH GRAFFITI ARTIST
I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about real graffiti culture. Those crazy letters and shit? I've been told that they actually spell stuff. I don't know. I'm too old to try and fake any type of urban street culture bullshit. I'm from the fuckin' country. But I do know a shitload about ditch graffiti. You wanna get down with that scene? Read on, Johnny.
Go to Wal-Mart and buy a can of the shittiest spray paint they have. Dgn't be trying to get all fancy with your Krylon bullshit. This is ditch graffiti. The shittier it looks the better. And yeah, I know, you don't want to shop at Wal-Mart because they're fucking up America. But where I'm from the only place to buy spray paint anywhere close to the ditch is going to be WaI-Mart so you're gonna have to suck it up, hippie.
Okay, so you have your can of shitty spray paint. Oh yeah, make sure to buy either black, red, or florescent green. Not sure why, but those are the rules. So grab your can and step into the ditch. Try to find the wall that is most visible to the public. Now try to think of the dumbest fucking phrase you can come up with. If you need help, some popular themes include: moms who service men's genitalia with their mouths, schoolmates who enjoy sex that involves butts, the Misfits, Independent tucks (yeah, tucks--you gotta misspell that shit), dudes that live in your town who are far less superior at skateboarding than you are, heavy metal, weed, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and dinosaurs having sex with each other. Actually I just made up that last one. But I think it would be pretty cool if people started spray painting dinosaurs fucking. Just to make sure that the adults have "no idea what the fuck is going on with the kids these days."
But I digress. So come up with your phrase and paint that shit as big as you can. Misspell at least one word and be sure to disregard all rules of typography. Kerning? Tracking? What the fuck is that? Oh yeah, all caps. That's mandatory. And the drippier the better. If you're going to be adding some sort of graphical element to enhance your graffiti, then make sure that your drawing skills are not above a third grade level. If you're good at drawing then just stick to the letters. And if you're at a loss for what type of imagery you should be working with, just remember these three words: crudely rendered penis.
That's really all there is to it. I personally don't do any type of ditch graffiti because in my opinion that's just red flags for cops to start busting people. But if you're the kind of dude who is doing ditch graffiti, you probably don't have the ability to form any type of sequential thought pattern so in your mind you're not doing anything wrong. Right? Right.
So, to recap: Go buy some shitty spray paint, go to the ditch, find the most visible wall, spray paint whatever dumbfuck inbred thought you have running through your head, and then just sit back and wait for the spot to become a bust. You're now a ditch graffiti artist. Good job, fucker.