Awkward Sexual Experiences

[Diogenes]

I had completely forgotten about this one - or maybe I have posted it here somewhere.

June, 2010, Brussels Belgium.

I'm getting drunk at a hookah bar with the girl I'm couchsurfing with and some of her friends.

I'm aching for a piss, but when I get to the toilets they are out of order, so I let the folks know that I'm just going to pop into the club which is just next door over. I take my slash and can finally breathe again without thinking I'm going to piss in my pants.

I head out and have to walk through the dance floor, when this girl grabs me by the shoulder, pulls me right into her crotch and starts dancing with me. Maybe it was the dizzying lights of the dance floor, but I didn't realise how smashed I actually was. I had originally planned on staying for one song and then making of with the ego-loot she had given me.

Nope, half an hour later and my couchsurfing host finds me:

"Hey! We didn't know where the hell you went"
I'm pretty sure I was so drunk I just grabbed her and started dancing:
"That hookah bar was shite", I yell into her ear.
Too drunk to analyse her face, I cant tell if she is in agreement or not.
She leaves an hour or so later after telling me several times that she was doing so.

So, I'm left with this crazy Finnish girl drinking 12% beers and making fun of people at the bar with her friends.

Have you ever noticed that the more drunk you get, the more convinced you are of your sobriety?

I have only two more memories of the night.

1.) Lying in the middle of a road nonchalantly smoking a cigarette as her friends are laughing hysterically.

2.) Trying to get her back to my hosts place (thank fuck I didnt!) and trying to get her to take me back to her place.
She cant do that, so we end up trying to fuck by some bushes in a public park, I can smell dog shit EVERYWHERE and see it too.

I'm more concerned about my penis though, which is about as solid as water. I try, try, and try some more and she is just lying on her back looking at me in disgust.  Not happening.

I settle with blow job and mid-party I have the mandatory look around, as we are in a public park at 7am.
To my right, about 50 yards away, is an old lady standing by as her dog takes a shit.

Not much of a turn on as I'm laying there clenching my ass cheeks just to get some blood into my dick, -not working anyway since my blood has been so thinned by alocohol- so, selfish as I am, I say nothing about the old lady and let her continue.

I'm still flaccid and when I check a few minutes later, the old woman is stood there with her hands by her hips just staring, a 1000 yard stare at us. Fuck, this is creepy, I tell the girl to stop (I think)

I wake up a few hours later next to two parents and their children sitting as far away as possible from me on a bus stop seat.
I take out my phone and try to check the time with one eye for more focus.
I lost my phone and glasses on the stumble home.

12% beers X hot Finnish women X Irish man = messy

[Hercules Rockefeller]

so where?s the story with you and the irish man?

[Diogenes]

 

[no thanks]

This chick started crying while I was fucking her...  I was laughing

You remind me of this really annoying kid i know.

[oyolar]

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just got hernia surgery.  but in the few weeks leading up to the surgery, there were a few instances of bringing girls home, and when the clothes come off they go "the fuck is that?!?!?"

by the way, the hernia was right by my junk.

what concerned me more was the girl who didn't say jack shit, as if she were used to this kind of thing.

[close]

I was unaware that one is allowed to have sex with a hernia.

[close]

fuck the police

[close]

+1

[Baby Gerber]

This would be an amazing book.
I would pay plenty for all these stories, it has now fallen into my daily routine to check " things that made u laugh ", and this everyday hahaha

[Hercules Rockefeller]

i was at my ex's looking for a quick fuck and she said her mom wouldn't be home for at least an hour so i hurried over all said and done right when i busted on her tits i got up to get a tissue for her and her dad busted in the door. luckily she had a bathroom that connected to a tv room i ran in sprinted out of the house naked got in my car and drove home. so stoked on it being night time so no one saw me going in my house  naked

so you busted on her tits, then her dad busted IN THE DOOR? WHY WOULD HE BUST IN THE DOOR WHEN HE COULD BUST ON HER TITS?

[DEDBBIS]

i was at my ex's looking for a quick fuck and she said her mom wouldn't be home for at least an hour so i hurried over all said and done right when i busted on her tits i got up to get a tissue for her and her dad busted in the door. luckily she had a bathroom that connected to a tv room i ran in sprinted out of the house naked got in my car and drove home. so stoked on it being night time so no one saw me going in my house  naked

If you ran out to your car naked, you must have keestered your keys?

[immagetchuwet]

hahaha nah man i always keep my keys in my car. i live in the most quaint little town

[svilleantigo]

Called a girl the wrong name one time. I was super apologetic... I probably should have just not made a big deal about it and been like "whoops."

bluff it out, pretend it didn't happen. the ensuing insecurity on her part can only lead to more sex.

on the subject: my girlfriend called me someone else's name during sex once while she(.../i) was all fucked on coke. I pushed her off me and told her to go home. she was like nuh-uh, so I tried dragging her out of my place. all the while she was going willy-nilly mike tyson's punch out on my eyes, nose, and mouth area. finally managed to drag her to the door and throw her out. she landed flatback and hit her head, which bought me just enough time to close and lock the door and pass out on the couch in the living room. woke up the next morning with her standing over me staring at me, along with other roommates in the room sharing a wtf expression on their faces, who would later come to tell me she social-engineered her way back into the house at like 8am when another roomie, oblivious to the whole deal, was booting off to work. i'm thinking there was a good chance she probably would've slit my throat, had there not been more folk there to keep an eye out.

not so much sexual as awkward now that i think about it.

[Grubby Mits]

I've been putting this off for a few days now, but i'll give it a start now. So last week I went on holiday with 80 friends to Malia (a Greek party destination) for 6 nights and ended up with three awkward sexual experiences on nights 1, 2 and 6. I was aiming for one a day, but on the third night this beautiful girl named Gina drugged me without my knowledge and so I spent that night gurning my tits off trying to steal mopeds and the such. On the 4th night I spent ages with some Asian chick who tossed me off for one minute and abruptly stopped, but just as we were going to their hotel to fuck my friend got in a fight so I had to back him. On the 5th I think I was just doing a lot of balloons as well as getting knocked out by one of those rodeo bulls. Sorry if this is written badly or really long, I'm delirious with tiredness.

Anyway...

Night 1

Prelude

So a group of 5 of us hit the strip at around midnight and proceed to get dragged into the many bars on the strips by the promoters outside, 'Come here lads, a headfucker, a fishbowl and 2 shots for 5 euros, what you say?' etc. After getting fucking smashed and fooled into thinking the fine women in the bars actually want to talk to me and don't just get paid to flirt we headed to the clubs as it was about 3am. On arrival to the Zig Zag club my friend (who almost didn't make it out of the hotel he was so fucked) pulled his pants down and went into the girls toilet, presumably to get laid. After we managed to drag him out the security on the streets were having none of it and said they would call the police if he didn't pull his pants up and go back to the hotel. A fine promoter bitch kept tellig him to, 'Fuck off', but when I told him she said leave he would reply, 'Shut up, can't you see i'm talking to the pretty lady', before she would tell him to fuck off again. Next thing I know some rowdy cunt has bowled up and we're trying to tell him to leave it when he sucker punches my friend and weighs him straight up, before tearing off down the strip. I managed to catch my friend and stole him some water but when I went to look for the guy I managed to loose everyone and went into the Banana club.

Sexy Bit

On arrival in the club I see no one I knew and realising I could barely stand I decided I needed something to lean on, so I chose the nearest OK looking girl. This girl was about 23 (I'm 17), short, blonde and a little on the chubby side. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was the girl three in from the right in this photo (found this photo on some Malia photographers page or something)



Anyway, so I'm grinding her whilst simultaneously slumping on a wall whilst her friends giggle away. I would have fell asleep were it not for the viscous grinding of my foreskin, which got so intense I thought she had turned me into a Jew. To avoid the impending ripping of my manhood I signaled that it was too hot and we should leave, so off we trotted. Outside she told me her name was Charmaine and that she was moving to Aiya Napa, which was all very interesting but I was barely conscious, so I needed to fuck her as quick as possible before blacking out. She suggested the beach so we headed down there and quickly got comfy on a sun lounger. Before starting, she told me there were men with torches trying to fine people 900 euros for being naked on the beach but I ignored her and went down on her moist beef chops. What can I say, I hadn't eaten all day. The mutton was alright besides for a couple of unnecessarily long hairs at the top of her vagina that kept going in my mouth, like spiders legs. Thankfully that was over soon enough and I requested a blowjob, as I had noticed she had a tongue piercing, but she said, 'Maybe after if your lucky, now get your dick out'.

Not being one to decline orders I promptly whipped out my painfully average penis and shoved a condom on as fast as possible. She jumped on top and went at it like a dog in heat, seriously I was sweating and I wasn't even doing anything. I have to say this bit was enjoyable, but for some reason whenever I looked up she looked like a fucking pirate in the moonlight, I could have sworn he was missing a couple of teeth. Give her an eye patch and a parrot on her shoulder and I could have been fucking Long John Silver. Do you remember when I mentioned the guys with torches giving fines on the beach? Yeah well what do you know, they came along to ruin my fun. These particular bastards were working in a team of three sprinting along the beach shining their torches trying to find people. They instantly clocked me and starting running over, and being the fucking moron I am, i had decided to get completely naked for no reason, so had to get dressed in about 3 seconds and start running with Jack Sparrow by my side. Because of the speed needed to get away i left the condom on and pulled up a good handful of sand in my pants which gave me a fucking horrible rash on my gooch, I was nearly in tears as I ran from the torch men. Thankfully we made it away and I offered to finish Blackbeard off on a concrete bench under a streetlight but she politely declined and went to sail the seven seas. So I end my tale with me night in my room furiously masturbating into a towel whilst almost crying from my gooch rash, to avoid blue balls in the morning.

Anyway, on to the next night...

I'll write up night 2/6 tomorrow. Sorry for the length again...

[smokecrack]

hahaha, that was an awesome tale ^. you got me hooked and i'm now fiendin for part 2.

[Omamori]

I could have sworn he was missing a couple of teeth.

sure she wasn't a guy?

[Grubby Mits]

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I could have sworn he was missing a couple of teeth.

[close]

sure she wasn't a guy?

 meanie 

Smokecrack I have another story a few pages back if you haven't read that, can't remember if it was interesting or not though. Thanks for reading haha

[Omamori]

Sorry 

Please post the rest ASAP, they're enjoyable.

[nice weather]

I'll write up night 2/6 tomorrow. Sorry for the length again...

please don't.

[Grubby Mits]

As promised (to whoever posted above, just close your eyes). Once again written half asleep, I can't seem to make myself do this in the day. I may include a photo if people request it.

Night Two

Prelude

After reveling in my new found fame as the first boy in our group to get laid in Malia our little group of 5 ventured out into the night again, with them actually asking me where to go to get laid, because I had obviously much more experience than one lucky beat with a pirate the night before. We started the night the same as the last going through bars trying and failing to hit on girls before deciding to go in the strip club. It cost 10 euros to get in and 20 euros for a lap dance, which was all my remaining money for the night, so I decided I would choose wisely. Upon entering a eastern European girl with blonde hair and big fake tits grabbed my arm and asked me for a dance and i complied immediately without getting a second offer. I spent the next ten minutes looking from this chick worthy of a Russian gangster film rubbing herself all over me to my friend next to me whilst pointing at the girl as if he didn't notice her and that I totally didn't pay for this to happen. Then it was over. Just like that she walked away and left me sitting there with a semi erect penis and a tear in my eye.  I then  realised my friend had got the only black stripper in the club and she was tossing him off in the corner like it was going out of fashion. I ran back to the hotel to get another 20 euros and queued up like the horny teenage bastard I am. The moment she was done tossing off my friend I gave her my money and sat down, with my friends all seated nearby to get a good view. Let me say, she was worth the money. Well I thought she was in my drunken state anyway. She was rubbing her ass in my face, tossing me off, rubbing her foot on my dick oh boy I almost bust a load there and went home a happy lad, but instead we got kicked out because we had no more money and went to the clubs.

Sexy Bit

After trawling the clubs for an hour or so with my group looking to me for guidance, which was getting pretty tiring as really I don't have any more idea of what to do than the next guy, we went into the Apollo club and met up with about 50 of our group for a break. I noticed my best friend (a girl) doing her lame hipster dance which involves her shutting her eyes and dragging her arms across her face nearby and starting laughing, which she apparently took as a mating call and started dancing with me.

I must also note at this point we have never got together prior this occasion, barely even hugged. It's always seemed weird with her. Anyway, after a minute of dancing, in which time I moved against a pole dancing stand so I could drunkenly slump a la the night before we started to get off. Realising I could get laid again and wouldn't have to deal with shepherding my friends I signaled to leave. The 'It's too hot in here' signal never fails me. Outside the club she tells me, 'We're doing something terrible', but I have found the best way to deal with girls in situations like this is just ignore them. Success. Moments later we're in my room kissing on my bed. I go down on her for a moment (no beard like the night before, thank god) before she groans, 'You're not one of these guys that take ages to get in the mood are you?'. Why of course not. I rip off my clothes, contemplate a condom before jumping on top of her bareback. We go at it for a minute or two before the guy I'm sharing the room with (not really in my group of friends) comes back.

The name we'll use for this guy is 'Dragon Boy'. Dragon Boy spent the entire week reading Eragon and wearing the same sweaty neon green American Eagle t shirt, day in, day out. At first I put his bed against the door and kept fucking but the wanker must have gathered the strength of a thousand dragons and managed to make his way in anyway, before saying he wanted to read his book. Oh, and also enquiring whether he could get a blowjob or possibly even join in. Not being one to turn people down I looked at the girl to decline and she just sat there. He took that as a no and got into bed to read so we moved into the kitchen, where there was another couple of beds.

Moving past the table I managed to knock a mug off and smash it so tried to pick it up as quickly as possible before I lost my hard on. I did what I could with most of my blood in my genital area before standing up and smashing another. In my mind my spunk filled cock took precedence so i just walked over the china to the bed, cutting my feet deeply in about ten places. We get back at it and I'm fucking her doggy whilst simultaneously covering the sheets in blood from my feet, which looked like they had been in a bukake involving men that spunked knives. After a few more requests from Dragon Boy to join in I'm flipping her over when suddenly I hear a giant wet fart. My heart stopped and my eyes widened as I stared down at her in disbelief. Could that actually have been the infamous queef? I always thought it was a thing of urban myths. 'Oh shit that's never happened before I swear', she murmured. I paused, before remembering what I had came to do and pulled her in. Brrrrpppp. There it was again. And again. And again. Four back to back queefs, all resembling a bum fart, but smelling of vagina. I could barely contain my wretches. My penis had had enough and went to sleep.

I woke up an hour later to find her sucking my dick. Correction, gnawing my dick. She somehow managed to give the most boring and yet most painful blowjob ever. She barely moved but when she did it was just to nibble my bellend. Only the other day did the red marks where the skin had come from my bellend heal. Again remembering about blueballs I livened up and grabbed her head and fucked her face, to which she surprisingly did not mind. After a good few minutes of skull pumping I let go and blew my load whilst falling back only to hear, 'WHAT THE FUCK IT'S IN MY EYE' and see the girl running to the loo. I was so drunk I completely forgot she was in the apartment and so this story ends on an anti climax with me confusedly looking at my bloodied sheets before blacking out.

Night 6 to come...

[gkn00dlez]

I've had sex while skate videos are playing in the background and got caught paying more attention to the tv than to her......numerous times.

Boned my friends sister once. She was 4 years older so I thought I was fucking King Shit. Came to find out she was bat shit crazy and a part time stripper. I got over it and then my homie found out and it brought the weirdness back. Shit still hasn't gone away.

Me and and my friend Mari paid a mutual friend to piss on his girl while she was passed out. Not really awkward, just funny.

Grimcity will find this one funny. Went out drinking with my friend Trey (Gnarly) one night back in like senior year I believe. He was banging this fat chick at the time and I was hanging out with this chick who just so happened to be the girl my homie pissed on. We all 4 pass out in the same giant bed with Mardi Gras beads around our neck. Trey leaves the room with tubby for a bit and gets his and I'm a little bummed this girl is to drunk to think straight. So I get over it and pass out. Wake up in the morning to a very soothing head rub and I get hyped thinking she might be down. I open my eyes and she is still out cold. Instead I have this giant man hand stoking my hair. I turn over and realize i'm the only one awake and that my friend is sleep stroking me. I snap him out of it and we share that mutual "that was awkward" moment and when I turn over I realize the beads I had around my neck are choking out "piss" girl. Her face is pretty much purple and she is still snoring like there is nothing wrong. I had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard and I didn't want to be the asshole that wakes everybody up.

[Grubby Mits]

Cool, thanks Tucker Max.

Why did you come into this thread? Sorry for telling an awkward sexual story from my point of view, which is the way it happened. I forgot only Tucker Max is allowed to do that...

[Donkey Lips]

Boned my friends sister once.

You scoundrel!

She was 4 years older so I thought I was fucking King Shit.

Indeed! Go on!

Came to find out she was bat shit crazy and a part time stripper.

AWESOME

I got over it

[saucy ragu]

You've seriously never heard a queef before? Your style of writing would be better if your experiences matched it, but the style only fits a douchebag-funny level and you're not quite there. I also had no idea what you were saying in your first story, but I think that's more British lingo/slang I'm just a novice to. Either way, what's happened to you has been funny, and I hope your 3rd encounter is the coup de gras.

[Donkey Lips]

I also have no idea what he's saying most of the time. I don't know what getting "tossed off" means specifically.

[finknoos]

I also have no idea what he's saying most of the time. I don't know what getting "tossed off" means specifically.

handjob

[Grubby Mits]

You've seriously never heard a queef before? Your style of writing would be better if your experiences matched it, but the style only fits a douchebag-funny level and you're not quite there. I also had no idea what you were saying in your first story, but I think that's more British lingo/slang I'm just a novice to. Either way, what's happened to you has been funny, and I hope your 3rd encounter is the coup de gras.

I had heard of one,and knew they were real, but as I said I never really thought thought they happened if that makes sense. I thought it was more of something that happens to your friend but never to you. Apologies for the writing style if that is the case, I'm not trying to write it in any particular way, I'm just writing what happened in the way I would tell it in real life. I don't really know how else I could tell the story, unless people just prefer bullet points. And that is frustrating haha, I spent a while reading it over trying to remove all British slang so people would understand, I assumed everything else was just general slang. Thanks for reading anyway haha

[burm]

When you pump air in to a girl's vagina with your limp little whiskey dick, the air has to come out somewhere. So basically, you caused it, not her, and it's nothing for anyone to feel ashamed about.

It's like sticking your dick in someones ass and being all disgusted when it comes out brown.

Oh, and I didn't mean this as disrespect towards your stories, please, do go on.

[macgruber]

yeah queefs happen. just don't laugh when it does. if the queef didn't kill the mood, the laughter will.

[Grubby Mits]

When you pump air in to a girl's vagina with your limp little whiskey dick, the air has to come out somewhere. So basically, you caused it, not her, and it's nothing for anyone to feel ashamed about.

It's like sticking your dick in someones ass and being all disgusted when it comes out brown.

Oh, and I didn't mean this as disrespect towards your stories, please, do go on.

Haha no disrespect taken, thanks for clearing that up. Obviously she would find it more embarrasing than me, even though I caused it, so I haven't told anyone in real life. Thought it was pretty funny so had to include it. I'll type up the final night in a bit, I think that was overall the most awkward night.

[Hercules Rockefeller]

i actually liked queefs, they tickle your dick. and if you somehow manage to get a queef while you cum, holy crap, its amazing. bodily fluids everywhere. its fun!

[skate_bored]

i didnt mind your stories, i liked em! keep them coming and keep this thread alive.

[Tommy]

hahah man I havent logged into this website in a long time.....I clicked on this thread first and was fuckin laughing at every story!! you guys are killin it ha
a few years ago i was with my girl (ex girl now!!!) and we went back to her place to fuck around....anyway we got inside and went straight to her room, the whole time i had to piss so bad i felt like my dick was going to explode. so we are on the bed and pretty much getting it on....my dick is like rigid firm cuz i have to piss so bad....and shes just riding on top of me. i turn her over to hit from the back and i was pounding her and shit but still had to piss hella bad so here where it gets kinda fucked up ha ha . i fuckin started to piss while im inside of her and she JUMPS off my dick fast and my hard dick is just spraying piss EVERY WHERE!! we were both wasted but needless to say we were both feelin awkward in the morning haha