Divorce

[ok boomer]

I don’t like being serious ever, but it looks like this is on my horizon. Short version : I think we’re too different and been trying to force a square peg into a round hole for years.. think it’s bad for all of us. Just want this to go as easy on my son as possible. All I want is shared custody and asking for nothing else. Anyone else been through this and how did it go?

[GardenSkater77]

I’m sorry to hear that. I have no experience with divorce. Been married 21 years. Maybe you should separate first and visit the family home to parent? Anyway, I hate the idea of divorce. Wish you and the family the best.

[Sleazy]

Really sorry to hear that. Just was a wingman at my buddies divorce. He kind of got the shaft. Spent a bunch of money on an attorney and got a shit deal. My take away… don’t spend a bunch on an attorney unless you know they can produce. Not sure how to figure that out but I’d probably want some references.

[apport]

stay together for the kids dawg

[TastyBurrito]

stay together for the kids dawg

I wouldn’t.

My friends recently divorced and they’re better co-parents when not together. Sadly, some people aren’t meant to be together, but it doesn’t mean they can’t work together. Was sad to see them split, but they live not to far from one another, kids don’t need to leave their daycare and/or schools, and they don’t see their parents fight.

Not saying this is the ultimate solution, but in this case, it was probably for the best that they went their own ways.

[Atiba Applebum]

Don’t think of divorce as a failure.   It’s the end of a journey together.   

[Davidon23]

I don’t like being serious ever, but it looks like this is on my horizon. Short version : I think we’re too different and been trying to force a square peg into a round hole for years.. think it’s bad for all of us. Just want this to go as easy on my son as possible. All I want is shared custody and asking for nothing else. Anyone else been through this and how did it go?

Going through a divorce and fighting for custody can be super tough, especially when you're worried about your kid's well-being. I've seen many people go through similar situations, and it's great that you're thinking about your son's feelings. Shared custody can be a great way to ensure both parents are involved in their life, and it's awesome that you're being reasonable about it. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor to help you navigate this process and make it as smooth as possible for your son?

[pugmaster]

There might be some useful information here too.

https://www.slapmagazine.com/index.php?topic=116087.0

[ok boomer]

Well so far the discussion went surprisingly well as far as what’s happening

[L33Tg33k]

Divorce is a good thing. It lets people out of toxic/dangerous relationships. Don’t forget the GOP wants to take that right away from you. I love seeing people happy in their marriages, but I also love people taking their freedom back when things aren’t working out.

[ok boomer]

My son said he knew this was coming and didn’t cry so I feel like less of a piece of shit than the days leading up to this. He said “you guys argue a lot..” and I guess he gets it pretty well for a 10 year old

[Shtonk]

If stuff between you and your partner isn't fully hostile, got see a couples therapist. Not to stay together but to maximise the chances for an amicable split. You really dont want to part ways on bad terms with a kid involved. But also staying together for the kids is monogamist bigot brainwashing, 99% of times makes home a cold place for the kid.

[whale]

I don’t have any particular advice to give to make it easier, but be prepared that it’s a long and difficult process.

If you both agree it’s the best thing, it will most likely be easier than mine.

Be there for your son, there will always be some emotional damage regardless.
Just make sure you both assure it’s not his fault.

If you ever want to talk, went, whatever, slide a DM

[TheLurper]

Divorce is hard, but it is better for kids to be in a happy single parent household than it is for them to be in an unhappy two parent household. Also, it is probably better for you to be free from a situation that you isn't benefitting you. This is probably better for the kid not worse.

Although, I'd suggest taking him to a therapist just to check up on him. I don't know what they do for 10 year olds, but kids a bit younger the kids draws some pictures and plays with blocks while the therapist asks them questions.


And, for the divorce itself, fuck, that is never fun. Marriage is just a legal convention. As much as we want to paint it being about love and all that shit, it is a legal partnership and dissolving it is a hassle.

[aleksander]

Shit can be really heavy mentally when kids are involved. The hardest part for me was feeling like I'd failed my kids. It sounds like you are a good dad, so make your son the focus of what you're working towards and make sure his mom understands that you only want the best for him. Unless she's a total shit of a human, deep down she probably wants the same, so it is like the one strange commonality you'll have going through a surreally hellish time.

The money part and the regular break-up is no fun obviously, but you can get through it if you know you're doing right by your son. Stay strong, brother!

[Mr. Pickles]

Idk man, I’ve been married for 14 years, and sometimes I hate her, and sometimes she hates me. We are polar opposites in regards to the superficial stuff but at 42 there’s no way she’s getting rid of me outside of killing me off. Im a fan of working it out. Thought we might get divorced years ago and we just thugged it out. Pretty happy these days.

Wish you the best, man. I know what I said wasn’t helpful but good luck.

[scab]

it is better for kids to be in a happy single parent household than it is for them to be in an unhappy two parent household

That was one hundred percent the case for me and my younger brother when my parents split up. @ok boomer from all I've read from you on here, it seems like you're a doting father to your son. Keep that up and he'll be alright. Kids need parents that are emotionally available to them, not parents who are physically around but otherwise occupied.

[j....soy.....]

anyone have anything on the joint custody bit?   I don't have any kids so....nothing from me, but I can see how this may be something of high importance, stressful and possibly quite technical......

[wax poetic]

Man, I don't really dive into personal life on here much, because well, I don't know many of you and the vibe around here is real negative at times.  Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.  I am not on much anymore but will reply if I check and see something from you.  Oh, I do men's/relationship/mindset coaching and have a full client roster and have spoke in front of groups internationally if you were wondering why I thought I may be qualified to talk with you.  You get to decide who you are being in all of this and there is tremendous power in that.

[Síota]

Never divorced but was PACSed or whatever they call it, like legally married but just signed some shit at a court...think it's common law elsewhere. Never had kids but the break was out of the blue, I kept my cat and my flat ..she stole loads of my shit when she moved out.... no real advice other than get a lawyer so you don't get fucked over and apparently even older dudes that still skate can easily find woman.... Best of luck and feel free to hit me up if you need support dude

[TheLurper]

Man, I don't really dive into personal life on here much, because well, I don't know many of you and the vibe around here is real negative at times.  Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.  I am not on much anymore but will reply if I check and see something from you.  Oh, I do men's/relationship/mindset coaching and have a full client roster and have spoke in front of groups internationally if you were wondering why I thought I may be qualified to talk with you.  You get to decide who you are being in all of this and there is tremendous power in that.

Can you expand on this?

Also, obligatory Home Movies reference:

[sharkjumper]

Dang dude, sorry you're going through that.
I've been through a divorce and mine was no fun.  There are some variables that affect how complicated it'll be.  Figuring out custody of your son is part of it.  If you own a bunch of stuff together- vehicles, house, etc. or shared bank accounts will be another thing to work out.  If your incomes are very different, that'll be another factor.  I'm sure you don't want to share too many details on SLAP.
If you and your wife are feeling close on how to split your stuff and how you'll share custody, arbitration is an option in most states.  That'll save you a fuck ton in lawyer fees on both sides- like 10s of thousands of dollars.
I'm married for a second time now.  We had a pretty low spot a few years ago and doing couple's counseling helped us so much.  Don't think that would've mattered on my first go around.  But want put it out there that therapy is an option and can be really helpful in the right situation.

And with custody, know that you are entitled to a 50/50 share of custody.  I have a kid from before I was married and we worked out our custody stuff on our own.  We were young and it was fine most of the time.  We used the state child support calculator periodically or when jobs changed to make sure I was sending the correct amount of child support.  And worked out when we would each have our kid.  We were very different ideologically so we clashed a few times over that (like certain holidays) and that's when I wished we had a legal custody agreement in place.

Holler on the DMs if you want to talk.  Stay strong.

[wax poetic]

Expand Quote

Man, I don't really dive into personal life on here much, because well, I don't know many of you and the vibe around here is real negative at times.  Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.  I am not on much anymore but will reply if I check and see something from you.  Oh, I do men's/relationship/mindset coaching and have a full client roster and have spoke in front of groups internationally if you were wondering why I thought I may be qualified to talk with you.  You get to decide who you are being in all of this and there is tremendous power in that.

[close]

Can you expand on this?

Also, obligatory Home Movies reference:

Sent you a message

[ok boomer]

Getting F’ed on one thing … I told her she can have the house, all the equity and the car .. apparently she “has to” buy me out .. but then refinance the house on current value. We live in a fancy area so the value has gone up by 125k in four years… so then her payments would go way too high … so we have to sell the house. I’m going to give her an extra 15k to help her get somewhere quick.. as I’m going to go to my moms I guess. So I have somewhere for my son to go. Pretty lame that’s how it works.

[GardenSkater77]

Getting F’ed on one thing … I told her she can have the house, all the equity and the car .. apparently she “has to” buy me out .. but then refinance the house on current value. We live in a fancy area so the value has gone up by 125k in four years… so then her payments would go way too high … so we have to sell the house. I’m going to give her an extra 15k to help her get somewhere quick.. as I’m going to go to my moms I guess. So I have somewhere for my son to go. Pretty lame that’s how it works.

This seems avoidable. I found an article that may interest you: https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesfinancecouncil/2019/03/22/a-closer-look-at-assumable-mortgage-misconceptions-in-divorce/

[sharkjumper]

Getting F’ed on one thing … I told her she can have the house, all the equity and the car .. apparently she “has to” buy me out .. but then refinance the house on current value. We live in a fancy area so the value has gone up by 125k in four years… so then her payments would go way too high … so we have to sell the house. I’m going to give her an extra 15k to help her get somewhere quick.. as I’m going to go to my moms I guess. So I have somewhere for my son to go. Pretty lame that’s how it works.

This loan info sounds incorrect to me. The market value of your house shouldn’t affect your loan.  Unless your home value decreased and your loan is higher than the value- doesn’t sound what you have. 

Say you still owe 200k. Refinance with the loan solely with your ex should still be 200k plus new closing and loan costs, a few grand.
It sounds like your current loan is 4 years old. So interest rates are around double what you previously had. That’ll make a higher payment.
I know you’re already stressed, but reaching out to a mortgage broker who knows their shit could help. Alternatives are a loan department at a local credit union, or even rocket mortgage.

[ok boomer]

My son told me that she wants to sell it because of all the memories in it.. wants them gone. That sucks

[GardenSkater77]

My son told me that she wants to sell it because of all the memories in it.. wants them gone. That sucks

That’s human and healthy. I would want a fresh start too. Also, one less person in the house means less room needed and potential to downsize.

[ok boomer]

Pretty sure I’m going to buy a house elsewhere also. Only thing that really affects my location is … my son is on one of those expensive , fancy select baseball teams… so I need to be in the realm of that area I suppose .

Minor humble brag: this whole weekend is his All Star exhibition and games. Pretty proud of him. He almost won the throwing challenge (lost by one point) and right before he did it I said: “One piece of advice bud…” .. he leaned in and I go “deez nuts” then he went out and kicked ass

[pugmaster]

Pretty sure I’m going to buy a house elsewhere also. Only thing that really affects my location is … my son is on one of those expensive , fancy select baseball teams… so I need to be in the realm of that area I suppose .

Minor humble brag: this whole weekend is his All Star exhibition and games. Pretty proud of him. He almost won the throwing challenge (lost by one point) and right before he did it I said: “One piece of advice bud…” .. he leaned in and I go “deez nuts” then he went out and kicked ass

That's what I am fucking talking about.