At my lowest point a number of years ago, I found myself standing atop a local hotspot for ending one's life -- after driving across town to get there -- just to look down through the concrete barriers into the ravine below. Recent news stories had covered the lengthy recoveries of two recent jumpers who had survived their falls there, but broken almost every bone in their bodies in the process...so I wanted to see how high it really looked from the top. It didn't look that high.
Soon thereafter, I joined peer-to-peer support groups, one-on-one therapy, irc chatrooms and even took to approaching local homeless people down by the river, all in search of knowledge and a shared understanding that would help me to find some sort of peace here on earth.
But I honestly think that over the past five years, at one point or another, I have watched pretty much every video available on YouTube on the subject of taking one's own life, in an attempt to make sense of it all and comprehend what keeps folks going.
While you could call it fixating on the topic, I find immersing myself in such material ultimately beneficial, as I draw meaning from the content and apply it to my own situation.
Sometimes I watch videos of people who were in crisis when they recorded the video, taking solace in the fact that I am not the only person feeling this way.
Other times I watch videos of people who have survived an attempt recount their ordeal and how it affected them, trying to glean a message of hope -- and an idea of how devasting a failed attempt can be -- from their experience (99% of the time, they acknowledge immediate regret mid-act and express how they are glad to have survived).
I watch videos made by those who have lost loved ones in such a manner, lamenting how much they miss those that are gone and giving viewers the advice they wish they could have told the departed.
I also watch scholarly videos on the subject, usually conducted by mental health professionals, that may offer me more clinical, emotionally-removed insight into the subject, such as how depression can lie to a person.
And, while I can no longer locate this particular video, the one that impacted me the most was the first video I remember seeing: a short clip of an old woman, with wispy grey hair, who looked straight into the camera and assured the viewer (me) something to the effect of, "You don't need to kill yourself, you just need to go to sleep. Just go to sleep and get a good rest."
I say all this to let whoever needs to hear it know that, from my research, depression can lie to you, that there are more people out there who care about you than you may currently believe, that you will most likely regret a rash decision of this nature and that you are not the only person feeling this way.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it can be hard to see at times. As others have offered here, anyone who needs to talk can feel free to contact me.
Lately, things have been rough for me, but I am keeping my head above water. I've been listening to two podcasts (usually at night as I go to sleep): "Jamoalki: The Depressed Not Dead" podcast and the "Life Almost Without Me" podcast. You may find them of interest.