Awkward Sexual Experiences

[ontheswarm]

holy crap, use some punctuation for gods sake. that was annoying to read.

you?re annoying.

I know sorry I was about to pass out just wanted to get it over with excuse my laziness

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

I guess she must have been kinda fat and lost hella weight because her skin was super droopy and she kinda lay there while i was fucking her.

i guess you could say she wasn't the most fit specimen.

[jack burton]

You did the right thing.

This.

[septidons]

SUPER DRUNK:

This girl says "You can sleep at my house, but no hanky panky!"
10 minutes later I am attempting to have sex for about 2 hours.
Whiskey dick, so I say "Let's try in the morning."

That was the first time with that girl, pretty fucking hilarious, only time I have had whiskey dick.


GRANDPA:

One time I was having sex totally naked in the summer sun in the middle of the day with my girlfriend when my grandpa walked in the front door. Awkward. He then closed the door, walked around to the other side of the house, and knocked, pretending to have just arrived. So hilarious.

ROLLING STONE:

I also used to date this girl that was super hot, but would only have sex in the missionary position, and would remain silent and not move the whole time. It was fucked up. Had to have been a daddy problem.

HANDJOB:

One time I was getting a hand in the woods on some overgrown back trail miles from nowhere, some guy came walking down the trail, and just walked on by, it was hilarious.

MUSCLE RELAXANTS:

One time this gamey asian chick fed me some pills and tried to seduce me. It didn't work.

[PTDK]

My girlfriend came home the other night from hanging with some friends. She pulls me into our room and says "Our room mate isnt home I want to Fuck." Needless to say we are going at it. Our window is open and she was being super loud. Right when I finish she says "holly shit", I say "wow" then we hear someone on the street just say "Nice" then steps down the sidewalk. We laughed it off. Whatevs.

[jimi420]

Ok so this happened to me a few months ago. I met this girl off of OKC, we go to this bar and have a drink and she seems chill. Kinda Irish looking chick. We go back to her place and I show her some music for awhile and then we start making out and clothes come off yadayadayada. I guess she must have been kinda fat and lost hella weight because her skin was super droopy and she kinda lay there while i was fucking her. I guess I got her off but she was like putting no effort into it and i was getting sore after half an hour and I'm like will you give me oral? She was like "I don't like to do that" and she tries to give me a handy (she wanted me to wear the condom but I was like fuck that) with her hand upside down and twisted around in the most awkward illogical position ever. She hammers at my dick for a few minutes and I make her stop when my balls start to throb and I'm like I'll do it myself. I've done that before and its usually cool as long as the girl is at least touchin on me or something. By now the music has stopped so I'm basically jackin it while shes sitting there watching in silence. Super fucking awkward. I asked her where i should cum and she said "a condom" but I didn't want to waste another on this frigid bitch so she gave me some tissue. After a few minutes of awkward fapping I accidently on purpose blew my load all over her tits. I know that sounds like a DICK move, but she had it CUMMING!  My balls hurt for like a week after though. I think a chimpanzee would have figured out a proper hand job before she did

You know how long it would take to teach a monkey to jerk you off without peeling it first?

[Beeda Weeda]

SUPER DRUNK:

This girl says "You can sleep at my house, but no hanky panky!"
10 minutes later I am attempting to have sex for about 2 hours.
Whiskey dick, so I say "Let's try in the morning."

That was the first time with that girl, pretty fucking hilarious, only time I have had whiskey dick.


GRANDPA:

One time I was having sex totally naked in the summer sun in the middle of the day with my girlfriend when my grandpa walked in the front door. Awkward. He then closed the door, walked around to the other side of the house, and knocked, pretending to have just arrived. So hilarious.

ROLLING STONE:

I also used to date this girl that was super hot, but would only have sex in the missionary position, and would remain silent and not move the whole time. It was fucked up. Had to have been a daddy problem.
HANDJOB:

One time I was getting a hand in the woods on some overgrown back trail miles from nowhere, some guy came walking down the trail, and just walked on by, it was hilarious.

MUSCLE RELAXANTS:

One time this gamey asian chick fed me some pills and tried to seduce me. It didn't work.

this, my friend, is called "the starfish" may I pray it never happens to you again, you would be doing society a favour by murdering this woman once you have ejecaulated, so she can never do this to another man.

[Doogie Howser Ph.D.]

This chick started crying while I was fucking her...  I was laughing

[AllOfTheEverything]

Eiffel-Towered a chick with my best friend since preschool. He and I casually laugh about it all the time but man is it awkward when we run into the girl. She was a mutual friend, too. Now she's just "that chick."

Bonus points: I was wearing these sunglasses the entire time, both because I was hammered and because it upped the sleaziness tenfold.

[StabMasterArson]

This chick started crying while I was fucking her...?  I was laughing

Like a fucking a virgin. Most overrated thing ever. All they do is laydown and cry, similar to a female with a stab wound.

[Doogie Howser Ph.D.]

HAHA, well put.  I couldnt stop laughing, continued anyway haha

[William Jefferson Clinton]

What the fuck is up with dudes fingering the chicks? That's gross.  The only thing I want to rub is my dick.

[Doogie Howser Ph.D.]

Gotta fanger dat pussay boi

[jimi420]

A couple years ago I met this girl who was down to jam. We went back to my house and started getting down. All was normal for about the first 20 minutes then she said "Punch me." I keep going and just pretend like she didn't say it when she says again "Punch me in the face!" I ask her if she's sure, and she says "Stop being a pussy and do it!" So I punch the bitch in the face and knock her out. At this point I don't know what to do with her unconscious body, so i keep fucking her. I finish on her stomach and and then start watching Tv, while she's still laying there. She wakes up and says "I didn't mean that hard!" Whoops. 

[AllOfTheEverything]

A couple years ago I met this girl who was down to jam. We went back to my house and started getting down. All was normal for about the first 20 minutes then she said "Punch me." I keep going and just pretend like she didn't say it when she says again "Punch me in the face!" I ask her if she's sure, and she says "Stop being a pussy and do it!" So I punch the bitch in the face and knock her out. At this point I don't know what to do with her unconscious body, so i keep fucking her. I finish on her stomach and and then start watching Tv, while she's still laying there. She wakes up and says "I didn't mean that hard!" Whoops. 

[solo]

you know how sometimes a girl is really into you but she fucks up somehow and you break things off really really bad, so she goes around trying to hate on your dick or something

yeah.

i got an awk story about a homie haha. he's in college and he fucked some 13 year old high school girl. ain't gon lie she's pretty cute though..

[Goblinshark]

Expand Quote

you know how sometimes a girl is really into you but she fucks up somehow and you break things off really really bad, so she goes around trying to hate on your dick or something

[close]

yeah.

i got an awk story about a homie haha. he's in college and he fucked some 13 year old high school girl. ain't gon lie she's pretty cute though..

I knew that ho was gonna get someone in trouble

[saucy ragu]

Hahaha saucy!  what happened, I saw what you wrote!

I should have added that I hung a poster over the hole and then when I moved out my dad found it and called me and I totally blamed my sister even though she never moved into my room later or anything

I wrote,

"LUKE PUT A BITCH'S HEAD THROUGH THE WALL WHILE HE FUCKED HER! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

But I was really high, and thought, "Hmm, I don't want to call anyone Luke's copulated with a "bitch." I'm sure he has good taste, I'll delete that." Paranoia shit.

[jimi420]

Expand Quote

A couple years ago I met this girl who was down to jam. We went back to my house and started getting down. All was normal for about the first 20 minutes then she said "Punch me." I keep going and just pretend like she didn't say it when she says again "Punch me in the face!" I ask her if she's sure, and she says "Stop being a pussy and do it!" So I punch the bitch in the face and knock her out. At this point I don't know what to do with her unconscious body, so i keep fucking her. I finish on her stomach and and then start watching Tv, while she's still laying there. She wakes up and says "I didn't mean that hard!" Whoops. 

[close]

Don't doubt what a Juggelette will ask you to do.

[LloydChristmas]

Eiffel-Towered a chick with my best friend since preschool. He and I casually laugh about it all the time but man is it awkward when we run into the girl. She was a mutual friend, too. Now she's just "that chick."

Bonus points: I was wearing these sunglasses the entire time, both because I was hammered and because it upped the sleaziness tenfold.

that is sleazy.  if you had a little crusty mustache going at the time that would be the ultimate scum look with the shades

[Justis]

Expand Quote

you know how sometimes a girl is really into you but she fucks up somehow and you break things off really really bad, so she goes around trying to hate on your dick or something

[close]

yeah.

i got an awk story about a homie haha. he's in college and he fucked some 13 year old high school girl. ain't gon lie she's pretty cute though..

dude no

[Mark]

I'm weird and do weird things, but its alright cause when your peter peckers out you do weird things. I used to try to stick my push pop in my girlfriends back door when we'd spoon position. I'd try but I think there's a layer, well like there's the buttcheeks you can go into, but then you get to a safe, the safe is the butthole. And it locks up. So its like you dissappear a little, but the cheeks are just covering but then... I tried a lot. I think at first we would just make whoopie goldberg, but then it was like mission try butt first. Well once she had a stomach ache, but a man on a mission needs to fulfill the mission at any costs, so I starting poking and trying to say hi but it wasnt going... i'm not sure if i got it in but then at one point we stopped and i think she noticed... there were a couple brown smackeroonis on the couch... she was reallllly embarassed and ran to the bathroom. She grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned it up and like we smelled it cause we were doubting it was poop. I had been eating chocolate chip cookies and we thought maybe it was some chocolate but she was like i knew i shouldnt have my stomach and she was kinda mad but like we cleaned it up and I think two seconds later I forgot and had a boner...

[saucy ragu]

I have no idea what I just read but please stick around.

[PFIASB.]

I'm weird and do weird things, but its alright cause when your peter peckers out you do weird things. I used to try to stick my push pop in my girlfriends back door when we'd spoon position. I'd try but I think there's a layer, well like there's the buttcheeks you can go into, but then you get to a safe, the safe is the butthole. And it locks up. So its like you dissappear a little, but the cheeks are just covering but then... I tried a lot. I think at first we would just make whoopie goldberg, but then it was like mission try butt first. Well once she had a stomach ache, but a man on a mission needs to fulfill the mission at any costs, so I starting poking and trying to say hi but it wasnt going... i'm not sure if i got it in but then at one point we stopped and i think she noticed... there were a couple brown smackeroonis on the couch... she was reallllly embarassed and ran to the bathroom. She grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned it up and like we smelled it cause we were doubting it was poop. I had been eating chocolate chip cookies and we thought maybe it was some chocolate but she was like i knew i shouldnt have my stomach and she was kinda mad but like we cleaned it up and I think two seconds later I forgot and had a boner...

trying too hard. be yourself

[Hercules Rockefeller]

I have no idea what I just read but please stick around.

he already did "stick around".

more weirdness please.

[GISM]

This girl I see semi-regularly is infertile and I can bust inside. Last time she wanted me to snowball and was kinda bummed I wouldn't. Has anyone done that?

[Mackattack]

Once, in a former life.

My name was Robert Earlmyer. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman in Denver, Colorado. Aside from my own gism, my favorite food was grilled tilapia, served on a bed of rice pilaf. My penis was 4.34 inches fully erect.

[oyolar]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

Hahaha saucy!?  what happened, I saw what you wrote!

I should have added that I hung a poster over the hole and then when I moved out my dad found it and called me and I totally blamed my sister even though she never moved into my room later or anything

[close]

I wrote,

"LUKE PUT A BITCH'S HEAD THROUGH THE WALL WHILE HE FUCKED HER! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

But I was really high, and thought, "Hmm, I don't want to call anyone Luke's copulated with a "bitch." I'm sure he has good taste, I'll delete that." Paranoia shit.

[close]

Oh, I definitely have more than my fair share of "bad decisions"....  The one and only one night stand I have ever had ended up with her asleep and me lying paranoid in bed that if I fell asleep, I would wake up and she would have robbed me.  She may or may not have been....... a carnie.  Oh my god, I actually said it!

Dude-I have that fear every time I think about having a one night stand.

[Sexy Alf]

Expand Quote

I'm weird and do weird things, but its alright cause when your peter peckers out you do weird things. I used to try to stick my push pop in my girlfriends back door when we'd spoon position. I'd try but I think there's a layer, well like there's the buttcheeks you can go into, but then you get to a safe, the safe is the butthole. And it locks up. So its like you dissappear a little, but the cheeks are just covering but then... I tried a lot. I think at first we would just make whoopie goldberg, but then it was like mission try butt first. Well once she had a stomach ache, but a man on a mission needs to fulfill the mission at any costs, so I starting poking and trying to say hi but it wasnt going... i'm not sure if i got it in but then at one point we stopped and i think she noticed... there were a couple brown smackeroonis on the couch... she was reallllly embarassed and ran to the bathroom. She grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned it up and like we smelled it cause we were doubting it was poop. I had been eating chocolate chip cookies and we thought maybe it was some chocolate but she was like i knew i shouldnt have my stomach and she was kinda mad but like we cleaned it up and I think two seconds later I forgot and had a boner...

[close]

trying too hard. be yourself

Nah, I was amused.

[Bobbito]

bumping this up because I wanna read some good stories