Awkward Sexual Experiences

[twitchflip]

Hooking up with a chick from craigslist and not using a rubber is fucking game!

non-refundable ticket on the herptrain

[sexualhelon]

Not really awkward but, eh, kind of...

Long story short: I hooked up with this Austrian girl in Berlin and ended up staying with her for a week. Overall, she was pretty amazing in bed but it's sort of like she thinks dude's buttholes are the same as vaginas. Every time we hooked up she would wet her fingers and go for the butthole - she was even super into tossing salad. Yep, that was the only slightly awkward thing about that though.

[Alan]

Maybe she mistook you for the Gipper?

[Hercules Rockefeller]

PM me her name, i have a pretty awesome feeling that i know who you are talking about.

did she smell her finger afterwards and rate your smell on a scale from 1-10 while singing songs from "sounds of music"?

[Jejenhausen]

HAHAHAHA amazing

[Matze]

[sleepypancakes]

PM me her name, i have a pretty awesome feeling that i know who you are talking about.

did she smell her finger afterwards and rate your smell on a scale from 1-10 while singing songs from "sounds of music"?

Sounds like my college boyfriend 

[DISTANT RUMOURS]

Keep the stories coming Grubby Mits.

This was on my local news channel about a week ago. Not me, but somewhat appropriate for this thread maybe. Sorry if posted already.
http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht

Edit: Fucking in a downtown canal.

Yeah they showed that here as well. They had guts... :-)


Well here is a story, not really mine, but I was there when it happened.

Here we go:
Around halloween a lot of kids in Belgium have a week off from school. So a few years ago I was in college and we were going to celebrate halloween at a good friend's house. His parents were gone for the weekend and he decided to throw a party. The guy is really into pot and stuff and he decided to go buy some in Holland, which is only 25 minutes away for us. I don't smoke or drink, but a lot of my friends do, so they were all pretty psyched. Dude is a great guy overall and kept whining about how he hoped that some chick would come to his party. He had a huge crush on her but she was kind of shy and playing hard to get.

Allright around 9 pm people start to come in and the party started to go down. Dudes were getting high chicks were getting drunk. A friend and me were the straight edge dudes, so we were the only sober dudes and we were just laughing at the stupidy going down. It was awesome.

About an hour into the party this chick drops by. My friend (who's parents the house belonged to) runs up to me and says "That's the girl I was talking about!". After 5 minutes I saw an akward interaction between two people that both seemed "down to fuck" but were holding the boat off. He was just being a wimp and she was acting that it was not gonna happen, but you could tell she wanted it anyway.

My friend was constantly around her, he was high, and she was getting tipsy. Tipsy became drunk. And drunk became wasted... She started to get pretty horny... and started kissing my friend.

After a while I saw both of them going upstairs and yelled "FINALLY" at them. She winked at me and pulled him upstairs. My friend also said to keep an eye out in the hallway so no one would catch them while they got down to business.  

As promised, he was a good friend, I was keeping an eye out for him. When one of a sudden I hear the dude screaming. Not just regular screaming, like life threatening screams.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my dick, what have you done to me dick!!! what have you done!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelppppp!!!"


Dropped my drink and I rushed in there, flipped they lights on...

And it was just like a fucking murder scene. The sheets, the bed, the wallpaper the carpet... literally EVERYTHING was covered in blood. Not just drops, but I mean, it looked sprayed on.

I looked at my friend and his underwear was soaked with blood and there was blood running down his legs.

My friend kept screaming and running around. Making the bloodstains even worse.
The chick was crying and covering her face with her hands. When she looked up her mouth was covered in blood as well...

I started tripping out and asked what happend while we rushed to my car... I seriously thought she bit off his dick.
While driving to the hospital, things got clear:

The chick was so wasted that she was horny but she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was giving him head and was jerking him off. She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....


Afterwards, the doctor explained that blood runs to your dong when you get a boner, and it literally sprays out because of the pressure...
Dude ended up getting circumsized the same night...

Last year, 7 years later. They got married, they have two kids, and they lived happily ever after...

[Turtle Boy]

Expand Quote

Keep the stories coming Grubby Mits.

This was on my local news channel about a week ago. Not me, but somewhat appropriate for this thread maybe. Sorry if posted already.
http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht

Edit: Fucking in a downtown canal.

[close]

Yeah they showed that here as well. They had guts... :-)


Well here is a story, not really mine, but I was there when it happened.

Here we go:
Around halloween a lot of kids in Belgium have a week off from school. So a few years ago I was in college and we were going to celebrate halloween at a good friend's house. His parents were gone for the weekend and he decided to throw a party. The guy is really into pot and stuff and he decided to go buy some in Holland, which is only 25 minutes away for us. I don't smoke or drink, but a lot of my friends do, so they were all pretty psyched. Dude is a great guy overall and kept whining about how he hoped that some chick would come to his party. He had a huge crush on her but she was kind of shy and playing hard to get.

Allright around 9 pm people start to come in and the party started to go down. Dudes were getting high chicks were getting drunk. A friend and me were the straight edge dudes, so we were the only sober dudes and we were just laughing at the stupidy going down. It was awesome.

About an hour into the party this chick drops by. My friend (who's parents the house belonged to) runs up to me and says "That's the girl I was talking about!". After 5 minutes I saw an akward interaction between two people that both seemed "down to fuck" but were holding the boat off. He was just being a wimp and she was acting that it was not gonna happen, but you could tell she wanted it anyway.

My friend was constantly around her, he was high, and she was getting tipsy. Tipsy became drunk. And drunk became wasted... She started to get pretty horny... and started kissing my friend.

After a while I saw both of them going upstairs and yelled "FINALLY" at them. She winked at me and pulled him upstairs. My friend also said to keep an eye out in the hallway so no one would catch them while they got down to business.  

As promised, he was a good friend, I was keeping an eye out for him. When one of a sudden I hear the dude screaming. Not just regular screaming, like life threatening screams.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my dick, what have you done to me dick!!! what have you done!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelppppp!!!"


Dropped my drink and I rushed in there, flipped they lights on...

And it was just like a fucking murder scene. The sheets, the bed, the wallpaper the carpet... literally EVERYTHING was covered in blood. Not just drops, but I mean, it looked sprayed on.

I looked at my friend and his underwear was soaked with blood and there was blood running down his legs.

My friend kept screaming and running around. Making the bloodstains even worse.
The chick was crying and covering her face with her hands. When she looked up her mouth was covered in blood as well...

I started tripping out and asked what happend while we rushed to my car... I seriously thought she bit off his dick.
While driving to the hospital, things got clear:

The chick was so wasted that she was horny but she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was giving him head and was jerking him off. She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....


Afterwards, the doctor explained that blood runs to your dong when you get a boner, and it literally sprays out because of the pressure...
Dude ended up getting circumsized the same night...

Last year, 7 years later. They got married, they have two kids, and they lived happily ever after...

Amazing story, I wonder if their children will ever know about it.
Sometimes I wonder about my parents adventures being young and stuff.

[Sk.A.T.A.N]

^^

[Hercules Rockefeller]

i guess they made a blood pact that night.

[DISTANT RUMOURS]

Dude kinda looked like your avatar.

[twitchflip]

She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....

I believe the phrase is snapping your banjo string

[DISTANT RUMOURS]

Damn, that description definitely fits the act.

[Turtle Boy]

Expand Quote

Sometimes I wonder about my parents adventures being young and stuff.

[close]

WTF?  You are a freak.

Why? I have a hard time thinking that my parents or any parents for that matter would have this kind of story, even if it's obvious that my parents as well as any parents must have a lot of stories likes that. I find it funny to think about them in those kind of situation. It's not about the sexual part of it, it's more about the awkwardness of some situations.

[Matze]

actually, that's kinda cute.

[yep yep]

Expand Quote

Keep the stories coming Grubby Mits.

This was on my local news channel about a week ago. Not me, but somewhat appropriate for this thread maybe. Sorry if posted already.
http://www.omroepwest.nl/nieuws/06-09-2013/natte-vrijpartij-delftse-gracht

Edit: Fucking in a downtown canal.

[close]

Yeah they showed that here as well. They had guts... :-)


Well here is a story, not really mine, but I was there when it happened.

Here we go:
Around halloween a lot of kids in Belgium have a week off from school. So a few years ago I was in college and we were going to celebrate halloween at a good friend's house. His parents were gone for the weekend and he decided to throw a party. The guy is really into pot and stuff and he decided to go buy some in Holland, which is only 25 minutes away for us. I don't smoke or drink, but a lot of my friends do, so they were all pretty psyched. Dude is a great guy overall and kept whining about how he hoped that some chick would come to his party. He had a huge crush on her but she was kind of shy and playing hard to get.

Allright around 9 pm people start to come in and the party started to go down. Dudes were getting high chicks were getting drunk. A friend and me were the straight edge dudes, so we were the only sober dudes and we were just laughing at the stupidy going down. It was awesome.

About an hour into the party this chick drops by. My friend (who's parents the house belonged to) runs up to me and says "That's the girl I was talking about!". After 5 minutes I saw an akward interaction between two people that both seemed "down to fuck" but were holding the boat off. He was just being a wimp and she was acting that it was not gonna happen, but you could tell she wanted it anyway.

My friend was constantly around her, he was high, and she was getting tipsy. Tipsy became drunk. And drunk became wasted... She started to get pretty horny... and started kissing my friend.

After a while I saw both of them going upstairs and yelled "FINALLY" at them. She winked at me and pulled him upstairs. My friend also said to keep an eye out in the hallway so no one would catch them while they got down to business.  

As promised, he was a good friend, I was keeping an eye out for him. When one of a sudden I hear the dude screaming. Not just regular screaming, like life threatening screams.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my dick, what have you done to me dick!!! what have you done!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelppppp!!!"


Dropped my drink and I rushed in there, flipped they lights on...

And it was just like a fucking murder scene. The sheets, the bed, the wallpaper the carpet... literally EVERYTHING was covered in blood. Not just drops, but I mean, it looked sprayed on.

I looked at my friend and his underwear was soaked with blood and there was blood running down his legs.

My friend kept screaming and running around. Making the bloodstains even worse.
The chick was crying and covering her face with her hands. When she looked up her mouth was covered in blood as well...

I started tripping out and asked what happend while we rushed to my car... I seriously thought she bit off his dick.
While driving to the hospital, things got clear:

The chick was so wasted that she was horny but she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was giving him head and was jerking him off. She jerked sooooooooooooooooo hard that she ripped the skin that's sitting between your knob and the shaft. Yeah... that part....


Afterwards, the doctor explained that blood runs to your dong when you get a boner, and it literally sprays out because of the pressure...
Dude ended up getting circumsized the same night...

Last year, 7 years later. They got married, they have two kids, and they lived happily ever after...

BEST STORY EVER

[The Human Condom]

Last night, I was working downtown as an usher at the Bassnectar show.  Some girl strips off what little clothing she already had on and gets completely naked right in front of me.  I walk up to her and tell her to put her clothes back on.  She gets in my face and of course I can't hear shit.  She runs off streaking into the crowd and ended up punching a female coworker in the jaw. 
Also, I later found a twenty dollar bill and my boss let me keep it.

[Merked]

Last night, I was working downtown as an usher at the Bassnectar show.  Some girl strips off what little clothing she already had on and gets completely naked right in front of me.  I walk up to her and tell her to put her clothes back on.  She gets in my face and of course I can't hear shit.  She runs off streaking into the crowd and ended up punching a female coworker in the jaw. 
Also, I later found a twenty dollar bill and my boss let me keep it.

I don't know why this story made me laugh so much.  Lol.  Sounds like a good night Condom.

[Made In China]

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Sometimes I wonder about my parents adventures being young and stuff.

[close]

WTF??  You are a freak.

[close]

Why? I have a hard time thinking that my parents or any parents for that matter would have this kind of story, even if it's obvious that my parents as well as any parents must have a lot of stories likes that. I find it funny to think about them in those kind of situation. It's not about the sexual part of it, it's more about the awkwardness of some situations.

PLEASE TELL ME THE PART ABOUT THEM GETTING MARRIED WASN'T MADE UP!!! IF THAT WAS ME I'D TELL THAT STORY TO MY KIDS EVERYDAY

[The Claw]

we need some new ones in this thread.

[Kanye Omari West]

So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom

I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.

At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted

I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...

She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk

She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her

[ice nine]

So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom

I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.

At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted

I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...

She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk

She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her

wow ur a immature prick, get fucked

[Kanye Omari West]

Expand Quote

So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom

I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.

At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted

I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...

She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk

She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her

[close]

wow ur a immature prick, get fucked

Lol it's all good, but hey, this ain't the "break up" thread, it's the "awkward sexual experiences" thread and this was definitely awkward at the time

[Phil McCrackin]

fuk u kanye

[Beer Keg Peg Leg]

sounds like she was a dookie in the puss nigga

[Hobochilli]

Expand Quote

So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom

I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.

At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted

I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...

She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk

She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her

[close]

wow ur a immature prick, get fucked

[Joust Ostrich]

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work,

If she didn't mention that you need suspenders for your condom, you should probably have kept her.  Next time, just use smaller condoms, it's less conspicuous.

[JB]

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Expand Quote

So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom

I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.

At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted

I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...

She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk

She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her

[close]

wow ur a immature prick, get fucked

[close]

Lol it's all good, but hey, this ain't the "break up" thread, it's the "awkward sexual experiences" thread and this was definitely awkward at the time

wow, compared to you i must be dirty as fuck if getting some dried blood on a condom is awkward. i mean i fuck my girl on her period and lick her asshole. on purpose too.

or youre just a wuss. one or the other.

[Kanye Omari West]

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So last year I was hanging with my former girl and we're just chilling in my room messing around with things getting more heated with every moments pass, as we're about to fuck she excuses herself to use the bathroom and comes back less than 5 minutes later, then the second she comes back I get the urge to take a piss myself and I then make my way to the bathroom

I'm not even 3 feet to the door and a disgusting, pungent odor smacks me in the face, it's like someone had tied a turd to a string and dangled it directly in front of my nose, I build up the strength to walk inside the bathroom and immediately turn on the air conditioning and I see shit residue around the toilet bowl then it begins to dawn on me that this girl just blew my fucking bathroom up, now I know everybody takes shits but be a fucking adult and be discreet about it, I have a nice can of air freshener right by the sink and a double flush isn't taboo or anything furthermore how could a fucking human being do so much damage THAT fast??? She literally was gone no longer than 5 minutes! So I take my leak as quick as possible to get myself out of there and am having second thoughts on getting in this girl's pussy as I head back to my room, but then I open the door and she's on my bed giving me the look while being seductive as fuck so I kind of just shrug it off and say fuck it...if only the madness had stopped there...

I bite the bullet and just decide to make it a quickie due to the circumstances, I strap on a condom since she told me she had been off the pill for the last few days or something and proceed to get to work, I finish up and pull out to find some kind of dark brown/clay colored substance on the condom that is currently on my dick. With knowledge of this chick dropping a bomb in my bathroom I had guessed somehow, some way I had come into contact with shit regardless of only being in missionary the entire time. I then give intense, alternating glares between my girl and the substance in question.

At this point I'm in shock, catatonic with my mouth agape and make my feet move to walk through my house (with my family also present in the household), butt ass naked to look in the mirror and get my fucking thoughts together on what the fuck is going on, all while my girl is in my bedroom repeatedly saying "What??? What's wrong???" I take it off my dick and see it's a very dark red and that it's most likely dried blood, but with everything going on that night, shit/dried blood/fresh blood was all the same, I was utterly disgusted

I walk back to my room and although I can't even remember how, I got her out of my house without letting her know that I was aware she took an elephant sized dump at my house, she leaves and I was stuck on how suck a fine chick could make me find her utterly unattractive in all of 20 minutes...

She ends up telling me the next day that missing the pill for a certain amount of time can cause leftover period blood residue shit to show up but honestly I was just kinda over the whole relationship, we broke up like the next week because she was just really, really boring, and I knew I was going to break up with her but the way it happened was kinda unexpected, she was texting me at like 3 am how I seemed distant for the past few days and I kinda just went into it via text, I did bring up the random blood on my dick incident as the straw that broke the camel's back but I never told her how I knew she took a giant shit in my house and all this other junk

She was/is a nice girl and if word got out that she got broken up with because her shits were so heinous it would be the end of her

[close]

wow ur a immature prick, get fucked

[close]

Lol it's all good, but hey, this ain't the "break up" thread, it's the "awkward sexual experiences" thread and this was definitely awkward at the time

[close]

wow, compared to you i must be dirty as fuck if getting some dried blood on a condom is awkward. i mean i fuck my girl on her period and lick her asshole. on purpose too.

or youre just a wuss. one or the other.

It really wasn't that bad, especially now that I know what it was and everything, at the moment I was thinking it was shit which I definitely don't vibe with