Awkward Sexual Experiences

[Tale Crab]

Now wait until she gets some milk in there and unleash them.

[solo]

Now wait until she gets some milk in there and unleash them.

That would be the business! I'll try and ipod cam it if it goes down ahah

[Jack Klompis]

was gettin brain from this chick like whoa, finger near a nigga asshole like WHOA

[Grubby Mits]

Realised I never got round to posting what happened on my last night in Malia, it's been a while but i'll try and remember it as best as possible.

I'm finding it hard to remember what happened on what night, but I think this night started with me walking down the strip with lines shaved into my hair, THUG LIFE henna tattoed on my knuckles, fake D&G beater on whilst smoking a cigar. It was the last night and I was a bottle of Jager in and feeling like a don. Anyway skip a few hours and im on some raised platform in a club and dancing with a girl who wouldn't interact with me or look at me, but at the same time wouldn't move away. This seemed good enough odds for me so I continued this awkward barely-touching dance for a while, whilst some other guy tried to get on her bulging-eyed pale-faced immobile friend, who I think was in the begining stages of overdosing on something. I finally managed to meet eyes with the girl I had been dancing with for half an hour or something and
realising it might be my only chance, I signalled for us to leave the club, and before you know it we are outside on a wall playing tounge tennis. However, only under the streetlight did I realise this scottish beauty had sideburns worse than fucking Hagrid. Seriously these things were nearing on her neck. I held back the vomit, let out a solitary tear and went back into the hairy beasts jaws. She kept going on about going to the beach, but knowing my friends would be there, and they would see her sideburns, I told her there was another beach in the opposite direction of the real beach (a complete lie), so we set off into the night. After walking for what felt like miles we stopped on a bench under a streetlight that was definately way out of the Malia resort, where I thought I could move in for the kill and get the job done. However Groundskeeper Willy had other plans and went on an hour long rant about her mum which transitioned into her laying out her entire itinerary of her holiday to me, complete with details of her excursions to  some museums. I could feel my penis sulking away in my pants so I motioned for her to stop talking and for us to go futher, but first had to hide my head because this pakistani girl from my group, who had 'ASAIN PRINCESS' hennad onto her face, was being dragged along the same way by some guy. I probably should have asked her if she was ok, but fuck it, I was sure she could handle herself. We walked even further and eventually stopped behind two cars and sat on a low railing, that was uncomfy as fuck. The sun was starting to come up and people were starting to walk about, so sensing the urgency I stuck my fingers down her pants and was welcomed into the most moist vagina I have ever felt, complete with Loch Ness Monster moans in my ear. Just before my fingers snapped and melted away, she thought she heard a noise and got up to look, and whilst her back was turned I had the drunken genius idea that I should just get my dick out. So I did. And guess what? She just got on without saying a word. Success. So there I was sitting on a railing next to a car in broad daylight with some hairy, but overall quite hot chick bouncing away on my meat pole when a lorry driver pulled up right next to us and just stopped, watching intently. I am almost certain he  had a tug whilst looking right into my soul. The guy was even thoughtful enough to give me a little wink when I looked over. My head snapped back to the chick in terror, and with a pump worthy of Zeus himself, I managed to nut furiously whilst simultaneously throwing her off and walking into the sunrise, with the horny lorry driver cruising at my side. The end.

[jimi420]

This thread is back with a Vengeance. That was great.

[trolltoll]

beautiful imagery

[Ludwig Wittgenstein]

Is it that freaky to cum over a chick? I usually do it with mah girl, cause I've got a hard time bustin with a condom, it just doesn't feel as good by far as rawdoggin it. I should take a std test or whatever, but here in Ukraine they still have the old school way of testing (meaning; they stick a stick in your dick). I'm totally against sticking things into my dick, so I won't have it.

Actually something like that happened to me a little while ago, I had just come over her back, and thought it'd be nice to give her some extra finger action.....when I realized I still had goo-y stuff on my hands....whoops. But she just had her period so I suppose everythings cool.

I've had the test done. It's actually worse than you think.

[cringe.]

not really a sexual experience, but when i was camping this summer, one night i was feeling a bit restless, so decided, to my unwavering shame, to head to the toilet block to... 'get to know myself better'. Anyway, there I was, sat on a dirty toilet seat, in an empty, boxed cubicle, jerking it, already feeling degraded, and with a roof window reflecting my fervent wrist-work back to my ashamed eyes - when after a few minutes of spanking it to no avail (hey im only human), the fucking toilet block lights all turned off, darkness, like properly black darkness, was my new environment. Now i faced a pretty tough decision; do i degrade myself by unlocking the cubicle, john wayne walking it to the light switch, to re-illuminate my wank-nest, and risk losing my preciously earnt boner.... or do i degrade myself by remaing here in blindness, to try to finish myself off into an invisible tissue? Well the latter possibility proved most simple, and so I was blindly jerking it there for about 5 minutes, full aware of the utter patheticness of my situation, and to a certain extent, my life, hoping, hoping all the while that i'd be able to hit the tissue target when my cannon fired its rocket. In the end my johnson did reach its tissue friend, but the sad thing is, that I buckled my belt, and left the block feeling accomplished for having overcome this summit , when in reality all my sad, awkward endeavour amounted to was lonely desire lust being satisfied in the literal, and moral, darkness of an effective shit-deposit factory. oh well....

[oyolar]

not really a sexual experience, but when i was camping this summer, one night i was feeling a bit restless, so decided, to my unwavering shame, to head to the toilet block to... 'get to know myself better'. Anyway, there I was, sat on a dirty toilet seat, in an empty, boxed cubicle, jerking it, already feeling degraded, and with a roof window reflecting my fervent wrist-work back to my ashamed eyes - when after a few minutes of spanking it to no avail (hey im only human), the fucking toilet block lights all turned off, darkness, like properly black darkness, was my new environment. Now i faced a pretty tough decision; do i degrade myself by unlocking the cubicle, john wayne walking it to the light switch, to re-illuminate my wank-nest, and risk losing my preciously earnt boner.... or do i degrade myself by remaing here in blindness, to try to finish myself off into an invisible tissue? Well the latter possibility proved most simple, and so I was blindly jerking it there for about 5 minutes, full aware of the utter patheticness of my situation, and to a certain extent, my life, hoping, hoping all the while that i'd be able to hit the tissue target when my cannon fired its rocket. In the end my johnson did reach its tissue friend, but the sad thing is, that I buckled my belt, and left the block feeling accomplished for having overcome this summit , when in reality all my sad, awkward endeavour amounted to was lonely desire lust being satisfied in the literal, and moral, darkness of an effective shit-deposit factory. oh well....

I laughed.

[saucy ragu]

Recently was had to instruct this deliciously firm and succulent college broad on how to properly please a man, and she still couldn't do it right. I didn't nut, and I had to awkwardly tell her... somehthing I forget because I'm drunk. But I had to more or less tell a story to a hot broad about why she couldn't make me come after she asked me to guide her on sucking a dick. It was that bad. It's like that line out of Women, "Her face was the most beautiful thing about her ... I watched the slow movement of her head and body in the moonlight. She wasn't as good at it as some, but it was the very fact of her doing it that was amazing. Just as I was about to come I reached down and buried my hand in that mass of beautiful hair, pulling at it in the moonlight as I came in Katherine's mouth." Unfortunately I didn't experience that last bit. And also unfortunately it wasn't the first time it had happened too. I hooked up with her last attractive friend a week earlier and she was the bee's knees at it. So far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.

[Rumpleforeskin]

Got a blowjob sitting on the toliet at this skatepark one room bathroom in South Dakota. Reeked of shit, toliet paper everywhere, graffiti, but I finished.  Luckily I never saw her after that because I left the next day for home but she kept trying to add me on facebook..  Weird..  But thats my story

[Donkey Lips]

So far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.

Because they have to be better at it than the prettier beasts in the heard. Unfortunate, but true my friend.

[jeremyrandall]

Expand Quote

So far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.

[close]

Because they have to be better at it than the prettier beasts in the heard. Unfortunate, but true my friend.

Yes...I'm pretty sure this is a Universal Truth.  The prettiest girls never have to work to get a guy.  We flock to them and they take their pick.

[oyolar]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

So far my experience is that fat chicks/less attractive chicks really are better at it; such a shame.

[close]

Because they have to be better at it than the prettier beasts in the heard. Unfortunate, but true my friend.

[close]

Yes...I'm pretty sure this is a Universal Truth.  The prettiest girls never have to work to get a guy.  We flock to them and they take their pick.

That's why you have to find a pretty girl and slowly whittle away at her self esteem, slyly at first, then slowly more obviously until the only way she can feel good about herself is by making you feel good. Then, you teach hr how to give you a good blowjob. Yeah, it takes time, but you get the added benefit of destroying a person's sense of worth. And that, my friends, is an invaluable skill worth more than a fatty blowjob.

[jimi420]

So me and this girl got into this huge fight a week ago and I told her "I wish you were (insert ex girlfriend's name here)." We kept fighting and then she told me to come over to her house so she could kill me. I went over there and we had angry, hateful sex. Right as I bust my nut I yell my ex's name. Revenge has never felt so damn good.

[planman]

I molested a girl when I was 9, let's just leave it at that

[jimi420]

I molested a girl when I was 9, let's just leave it at that

/thread

[Rumpleforeskin]

Jimi you're my hero.

[saucy ragu]

I molested a girl when I was 9, let's just leave it at that

Let's not. Spill the beans Antwone Fisher. Just don't make me cry; at least not from sadness.

[peacepappies]

I went to this party last year with a few friends. We were just chilling and smoking in the patio and there was this girl, clearly on E and we had a little conversation (me and my friend). Like an hour later we saw her again in de dance area or whatever you wanne call it. We decided to steal some beers over there and she was down for it, so offcourse i was hyped on her.

Later on she was spacing pretty much but we didnt 'do' anything yet, and i asked her to come home with me and my homie and she agreed. When we arrived home it was me, her and 2 of my friends. One of my friends, george, went to the kitchen instantly and passed out. Me, dean (my other homie) smoked all her weed while she was spacing. I was suggesting to my friend that we should pull a 3some by some signs she didnt notice beacause she was all fucked up. I gave dean the 'fuck-it-lets-do-this' and started kissing her. We ended up fucking the girl, high-fiving eachother (we'd been talking about towerbridging a girl for a while so it had to happen). We also laughed our asses off and the girl was like (really confused): what's so funny? straight up one of the most awkward moment. She also gave us handjobs at the same time shit was pretty weird. We ended up passing out and i had one condom left in the morning and my friend was already up, so i decided to bang her again. Dean was sitting on the couch and George just came in. I have a closet between my bed and the couch with holes in it so they could see it happen for a bit. The girl was on top of me and on the moment I climax'd dean just passed me the joint. One of the best wakeup's in my life.

pretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy

ended up banging that girl for a few weeks and then i never saw her again, still owe her some money .

i'm a terrible story-teller and it wasnt really that awkward but trying to keep the thread alive

[peacepappies]

and I just read the whole thread and love all the stories so please keep em coming

[Tale Crab]

pretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy

What are you waiting for then?

[fiftyscent]

Expand Quote

pretty funny cause i still have the picture on my computer that my friend is fingering her with a big smile and a thumbs-up straight-out-of-the-pussy

[close]

What are you waiting for then?

[Filip]

I puked after sex, two times.. It was because I was drunk, and all that moving, well, it didnt exactly help to my stomach. My girlfriend still laughs about that. Luckily, it was in the toilet, not in the bed or anything.

[Ripped Laces]

and I just read the whole thread and love all the stories so please keep em coming

[Rumpleforeskin]

I'm trying to fuck this chick/get my dick sucked while playing Super Mario World, I'll let everyone know how it goes

[saucy ragu]

In the not so distant past I was having a frivolous night with this steady chick of mine, I slid out and went to pop it back in, and she went "Oooh!" and pulled me out of her asshole.. unfortunately. The next morning we were foolin' and I came up from her loins and noticed a shit stain on her back lower right ass cheek. I blocked it from my mind, had her reciprocate cunnilingus with fellatio, then I stole away to her bathroom to sanitate myself--all was good. I borrowed Fear and Loathing and haven't seen her since. I can't connect with the book. I'm more of a drinker than a drug-addled type of dude. Still, she'll never see it again.

[pappalardospizza]

After a night of partying, my friend and I went to get food. This is around finals week and I started making small talk with a girl who was behind me in line. After both of our transactions, I drunk ran after and we talked for about a minute about random stuff like living situations and finals. After this conversation, I commented on her dimples then headed back towards my friend. A week later she wrote a missed connection about me on craigslist. Emails have been passed back and forth and I now have a number.

To be continued after winter break

[saucy ragu]

After a night of partying, my friend and I went to get food. This is around finals week and I started making small talk with a girl who was behind me in line. After both of our transactions, I drunk ran after and we talked for about a minute about random stuff like living situations and finals. After this conversation, I commented on her dimples then headed back towards my friend. A week later she wrote a missed connection about me on craigslist. Emails have been passed back and forth and I now have a number.

To be continued after winter break

wait... RRRRRAAADDDDD?

[Hercules Rockefeller]

"when life gives you lemons, fuck that girl that you wanted to break up with and go on to the next."