thread had me laughing all night, so I thought it was only appropriate that I post my story.
I was kinda interested in my buddies next door neighbor years ago, she was nice, kinda quirky and cute in a nerdy way. Anyway's, after a night of drinking she invites me over to her place and I know it's on. I walk in the door and the place immediately just smells gross. She proceeds to show me her 4 rats, one of which has one eye and is on the verge of death (her words) I understand where the disgusting smell is from. I don't mind any of this so far, but it doesn't exactly put one in the mood. We finally get to her bedroom and start making out and it's getting pretty hot and heavy, then all of a sudden she stops me and says "before we go any further I have to show you my soul box" pretty weird, but whatever I'm not going to be rude. She opens up this wooden box that has all sorts of weird shit in it, a picture of the dead kid in Stand By Me, fake toy handguns, magazine clippings of old Macauly Caulkin photos, poems ex boyfriends wrote her, just weird shit. She took out everything in there and it explained it's significance to me which ended up taking like 45 minutes and I really didn't give a fuck about any of it. Finally she pulls out a condom from the box and asks me if I'm ready. At this point I'm really not in the mood and kinda weirded out, but I just invested a lot of time trying to bone this chick, so why give up now? she tells me to put the condom on and just lays down flat waiting for me to enter her. I jack myself off, get semi hard and put it in. She says nothing, does nothing, makes no noise, just lays their looking bored and kinda scared. I'm obviously not feeling it and know I'm not going to bust, but I'm waiting for a good time to fake a nut and planning on how to get out of there as politely and fast as possible. Then out of know where she full on butt trumpet farts while I'm doing her missionary. Again, I know things happen and human anatomy doesn't shame me, but this was just the straw that broke the camels back in boring, weird sex. I pretended not to hear it, pumped a few more times and faked my nut. After about 3 minutes of awkward pillow talk I made up a lie that I needed to make sure my buddy wasn't too drunk and wen't back to my friends house.