real confessions

[Frank]

thanks guys, i appreciate the help!

i'm starting a therapy next week, first time so i really don't know what to expect. everyday is different, today was a pretty good day, though. i noticed i feel a lot more comfortable when i'm with friends and just hanging out, whenever i'm alone right now it gets pretty dark in my head. they are dragging me everywhere, even if i don't want to, they just talk me into doing stuff, which is really cool.

kornholio,

i'm not that afraid of anti-depressants, it's just that i live in germany. over here the usage of these is pretty frowned upon. people act like you're a junkie, everyone says "no matter what, don't take these pills!"

i know it's stupid, i read a lot about it. most people here just don't have any clue whatsoever how they all work anyhow, but they all talk shit about it. people over here think it's like if you feel bad you pop a pill and tell you you're weak when you need anti-depressants to get out of depression. i guess they are all rather uninformed about the subject. it sucks. they all think you just have to do sports or read a lot and it will go away because you forget about your troubles.

anyway, thanks again for the helpful advises.

[KoRnholio8]

I'm from Europe and I'm well aware of the stigma associated with ADs - it simply sucks. Good luck with your recovery!

[j....soy.....]

The fact you can even articulate it is super good frank.  The stigma is bullshit....it's like not getting a cast when your leg is broken.  You have to look out for yourself on this one and listen to the experts.  No shame in getting it checked out...more people should do it....more people should understand it....

[Frank]

i've been through this a few times now. one time they wanted to force me into a clinic. i must admit i never went to a professional, so i'm not even sure if it's manic-depression, but it's the best explanation i have. it's not like i'm proud of it or use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. i really want to get this shit straight. the fact that i know what is fucking wrong with my behavior makes it even worse for me, because i seem to be unable to change it.

i usually moved to another city or something when i was hitting rock bottom, just packing things and starting over. i can't do that all my life. it also always comes back after a year or two since i was 19. that was the first time i was fucking heartbroken over really nothing. and there was always some time right before depression where i would do something almost compulsively, mostly working. i can't say no when i'm at work and someone asks me to do something. last year i was working 60-70 hours a week with three jobs and barely making ends meet. it's because i do a lot of stuff for free and in over time because i usually want to impress the bosses.

i actually started posting here on slap at about the same time depression hit me the hardest. i never thought i would post here, been lurking for ages. i still manage to hide it(EDIT:the depression) from most people. my boss though saw right through the charade. he was suffering from depression, too. he's really supportive and all, at the moment if i feel like i can't work i don't have to. other bosses would have told me to fuck off right away, i guess.

it's superhard now, too, because my girl left. that is really the worst thing to ever happen to me, because she was also my best friend and we had some plans for the future. i still don't know why she left me and she doesn't want any contact right now. that makes me feel like i must have been a terrible person to her at some point. everything was fine, we were finishing plans for vacation and she seemed super hyped on it. last thing she texted me before she came and dumped me was that she loves me. i couldn't reach her for the 3 days in between and i know she was with her mother, who was visiting her. i was super cool with her mother, too. ran into her mother two days ago and was about to trip out. it's all a mess right now. my heads a fucking mess. i'm also paranoid that maybe she's into someone else and shit. doesn't matter anyway now, she's gone, and she already said there's no way she's taking me back.

i was hoping for her support when i try to get rid of my depression, we talked about it, and me being all darkhearted and shit is probably the reason for her leaving. her ex also suffered from severe depression and dumped her in a brutal way, so i guess she was fearing i'd do the same to her. but we were a couple for more than two years, how do you dump someone like this after such a long time? her calling it quits just made everything worse.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diary
A DIARY WILL MAKE WONDERS 4 U

[Frank]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diary
A DIARY WILL MAKE WONDERS 4 U

nothing but gold from you!  seriously, i kind of do that already so i can review if i had a good or bad day.

i also considered doing yoga, but i must say i'd rather skate in my spare time than do yoga. i'm not vegan, but vegetarian.

still, your posts and suggestions have a real positive effect on my mood so keep em coming.

[j....soy.....]

Do both.....

[Frank]

turns out i will be going to some kind of mental institution to get my shit straight. not anything at all like an asylum, because that would fuck me up even more i think. just some kind of thing where i can chill and start a therapy and get my head straight. it's probably starting october and will be going at least until november, so i will be there on my birthday, which sucks. but i'm glad i got something to look forward to. i hope i'll be able to skate there at least a little bit. it's probably the only thing that lightens up my mood nowadays, besides every BRIX SKWIKZ post on here.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

[wuust]

i made an account on a datingsite. more for sheer fun and social experiment. Noticed that all women in my region are fucking ugly!

[Perro Mojado]

i've been through this a few times now. one time they wanted to force me into a clinic. i must admit i never went to a professional, so i'm not even sure if it's manic-depression, but it's the best explanation i have. it's not like i'm proud of it or use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. i really want to get this shit straight. the fact that i know what is fucking wrong with my behavior makes it even worse for me, because i seem to be unable to change it.

i usually moved to another city or something when i was hitting rock bottom, just packing things and starting over. i can't do that all my life. it also always comes back after a year or two since i was 19. that was the first time i was fucking heartbroken over really nothing. and there was always some time right before depression where i would do something almost compulsively, mostly working. i can't say no when i'm at work and someone asks me to do something. last year i was working 60-70 hours a week with three jobs and barely making ends meet. it's because i do a lot of stuff for free and in over time because i usually want to impress the bosses.

i actually started posting here on slap at about the same time depression hit me the hardest. i never thought i would post here, been lurking for ages. i still manage to hide it(EDIT:the depression) from most people. my boss though saw right through the charade. he was suffering from depression, too. he's really supportive and all, at the moment if i feel like i can't work i don't have to. other bosses would have told me to fuck off right away, i guess.

it's superhard now, too, because my girl left. that is really the worst thing to ever happen to me, because she was also my best friend and we had some plans for the future. i still don't know why she left me and she doesn't want any contact right now. that makes me feel like i must have been a terrible person to her at some point. everything was fine, we were finishing plans for vacation and she seemed super hyped on it. last thing she texted me before she came and dumped me was that she loves me. i couldn't reach her for the 3 days in between and i know she was with her mother, who was visiting her. i was super cool with her mother, too. ran into her mother two days ago and was about to trip out. it's all a mess right now. my heads a fucking mess. i'm also paranoid that maybe she's into someone else and shit. doesn't matter anyway now, she's gone, and she already said there's no way she's taking me back.

i was hoping for her support when i try to get rid of my depression, we talked about it, and me being all darkhearted and shit is probably the reason for her leaving. her ex also suffered from severe depression and dumped her in a brutal way, so i guess she was fearing i'd do the same to her. but we were a couple for more than two years, how do you dump someone like this after such a long time? her calling it quits just made everything worse.

hey frank, i know what you are going trough your actions and thoughts remind me alot of mine, one thing that has helped me and im not joking is yoga, it is life changing the change of perspective that it brings.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
GET A  GUITAR AND PLAY IT
YOU LL FEEL BETTER

[Dr Steve Brule]

The muppets is my new favorite movie

[Bronson]

I?m going through a lot of stuff inside my head and with my therapist. Sorting out childhood traumas and the hurt, fear and anger thats still in me and how it affects my own behavioral patterns. Its really fucking scary but at moments I get a grasp of feeling like a real human being..

[HairyCunt]

i've been through this a few times now. one time they wanted to force me into a clinic. i must admit i never went to a professional, so i'm not even sure if it's manic-depression, but it's the best explanation i have. it's not like i'm proud of it or use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. i really want to get this shit straight. the fact that i know what is fucking wrong with my behavior makes it even worse for me, because i seem to be unable to change it.

i usually moved to another city or something when i was hitting rock bottom, just packing things and starting over. i can't do that all my life. it also always comes back after a year or two since i was 19. that was the first time i was fucking heartbroken over really nothing. and there was always some time right before depression where i would do something almost compulsively, mostly working. i can't say no when i'm at work and someone asks me to do something. last year i was working 60-70 hours a week with three jobs and barely making ends meet. it's because i do a lot of stuff for free and in over time because i usually want to impress the bosses.

i actually started posting here on slap at about the same time depression hit me the hardest. i never thought i would post here, been lurking for ages. i still manage to hide it(EDIT:the depression) from most people. my boss though saw right through the charade. he was suffering from depression, too. he's really supportive and all, at the moment if i feel like i can't work i don't have to. other bosses would have told me to fuck off right away, i guess.

it's superhard now, too, because my girl left. that is really the worst thing to ever happen to me, because she was also my best friend and we had some plans for the future. i still don't know why she left me and she doesn't want any contact right now. that makes me feel like i must have been a terrible person to her at some point. everything was fine, we were finishing plans for vacation and she seemed super hyped on it. last thing she texted me before she came and dumped me was that she loves me. i couldn't reach her for the 3 days in between and i know she was with her mother, who was visiting her. i was super cool with her mother, too. ran into her mother two days ago and was about to trip out. it's all a mess right now. my heads a fucking mess. i'm also paranoid that maybe she's into someone else and shit. doesn't matter anyway now, she's gone, and she already said there's no way she's taking me back.

i was hoping for her support when i try to get rid of my depression, we talked about it, and me being all darkhearted and shit is probably the reason for her leaving. her ex also suffered from severe depression and dumped her in a brutal way, so i guess she was fearing i'd do the same to her. but we were a couple for more than two years, how do you dump someone like this after such a long time? her calling it quits just made everything worse.

You're weak. Depression is a post-industrial construct. The skepticism and stigma around  AD's is justified.  Stop being so self absorbed, try doing something for someone actually in need. You'll be surprised how good you'll feel.  Sorry but you just sound whiney.

[Laban Fetus]

When I was going through middle school and eventually high school my teachers could never quite figure out what was wrong with me.
I was emotionally distant, isolated, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes without drifting off. My parents also noticed this and soon started taking me to electro therapy.
This isn't the type of electro therapy your thinking of... they just put these nodes on my head every week and I'd close my eyes and sit there for 5 minutes.
I still couldn't feel any change in my thought patterns after 2 years so I kept going and eventually everything changed right before I left high school. My sleeping patterns got better, my mind was clear and I started to become more confident... the conclusion to all this is that I felt I'd fucked up my entire school career with nothing to show for it.
I've certainly grown some thicker skin over the years and consider myself a fairly happy person but it still haunts me a bit.

[HairyCunt]

When I was going through middle school and eventually high school my teachers could never quite figure out what was wrong with me.
I was emotionally distant, isolated, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes without drifting off. My parents also noticed this and soon started taking me to electro therapy.
This isn't the type of electro therapy your thinking of... they just put these nodes on my head every week and I'd close my eyes and sit there for 5 minutes.
I still couldn't feel any change in my thought patterns after 2 years so I kept going and eventually everything changed right before I left high school. My sleeping patterns got better, my mind was clear and I started to become more confident... the conclusion to all this is that I felt I'd fucked up my entire school career with nothing to show for it.
I've certainly grown some thicker skin over the years and consider myself a fairly happy person but it still haunts me a bit.

So did they cure your homosexuality or not?

[Laban Fetus]

Expand Quote

When I was going through middle school and eventually high school my teachers could never quite figure out what was wrong with me.
I was emotionally distant, isolated, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes without drifting off. My parents also noticed this and soon started taking me to electro therapy.
This isn't the type of electro therapy your thinking of... they just put these nodes on my head every week and I'd close my eyes and sit there for 5 minutes.
I still couldn't feel any change in my thought patterns after 2 years so I kept going and eventually everything changed right before I left high school. My sleeping patterns got better, my mind was clear and I started to become more confident... the conclusion to all this is that I felt I'd fucked up my entire school career with nothing to show for it.
I've certainly grown some thicker skin over the years and consider myself a fairly happy person but it still haunts me a bit.

[close]

So did they cure your homosexuality or not?

Nah dude, I love raw dick more than life itself.

[BRIX SKWIKZ]

HEY FRANK ONE MORE THING
 COMPARING YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE IS A LOOSING GAME , NEVER DO THAT BRO

[Frank]

HEY FRANK ONE MORE THING
 COMPARING YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE IS A LOOSING GAME , NEVER DO THAT BRO

thanks BRIX, you speak true wisdom. if anyone should be allowed to write in all caps, it's you. and probably that pete dude and 5inchdick. but that's about it.

i still suck at playing guitar, but when i go to cyco-rehab next week i will have plenty of time to practice. things are a bit better now, because i pretty much only do shit i want to do and don't have to work right now because i got this paper now which says i have post traumatic disorder and depression. it's kind of funny because the doctor told me straight up that while i'm calling in sick at work, i should skate and hang out with people i like as much as i can. that situation is really weird for me because i'm so used to work 6 days a week, 9 hours a day. it definetly made things better while i was trying to get into that rehab, but i still have trouble sleeping any more than 3 or 4 hours straight and some social anxiety. but i try to keep myself occupied and in a way it works out.

this week was much better than last week so far and tomorrow i will have a tour through the hospital i'm checking in next week. they have a skatepark near it and i might be allowed to have a session there now and then, that depends on what the doctors say. it just fucking sucks i will have to spend my birthday there, i hope my parents will be able to come and visit me.

[Bronson]

Good luck, bud.

[Mat]

I have narcissistic personality disorder but don't do anything to try and fix it. I only like skateboarding and tend to push this view on anybody who I feel threatens it or doesn't understand it. I will frequently call other activities and  things like team sports gay or be like fuck that shit. alot of my friends snowboard and I tend to shit on it and say how it's easier and what not. I also dislike anybody who doesn't skate or appreciate skateboarding, which has caused me to lose some "friends" who do skate because I shit on other things they do like snowboarding. Also I have a tendency to hook up with girls who are younger than me and se have dated my fronds before which they are also not pleased with. All sluts though and I sometimes feel as if they're taking these sluts way too seriously. Like there's tons of sluts so what if hook up with some of them too. So what if I only like skating? I don't want to do anything else with my life? I don't have to like kids who like video games, basketball and ugly bitchs. It's always to hang out with them when I can't show skate videos or tell stories about missions or anything else skating related faux they just mock it or don't understand it. I don't get how some kids who skate can not be my friend though because I only like skating. I like skating more than anything else so why would I not act like I do? Fuck team sports. Fuck snowboarding.

i know what you're saying, i dont see much value in most team sports and dont understand how someone can like american football so fucking much. its awesome to love skateboarding, but that doesn't mean you have to hate on everything else. maybe take a risk and give snowboarding a try, might be fun, i've always wanted to try it. and as for the sluts, they were made for fuckin'

[Dr Steve Brule]

There are only a handful of women I don't think of as objects.  Whenever I meet a new girl or even spot one in a crowd or class, I instinctively only think of having sex with them.

[Unbridled Technical Precision]

There are only a handful of women I don't think of as objects.  Whenever I meet a new girl or even spot one in a crowd or class, I instinctively only think of having sex with them.

this is the part of my brain i wish i could take out. honestly it's fucked me with the ones i truly care about.

[Dontfearthereefer]

This thread just took a turn for the gay.

It's biology you are hardwired to fuck any and all sexy girls, shit we are more chimp-like then we are willing to admit. Find em fuck em and flee until you're 25+

The only time you can value them is if they have the perfect tri-fecta of looks personality and intelligence.

[finknoos]

There are only a handful of women I don't think of as objects.  Whenever I meet a new girl or even spot one in a crowd or class, I instinctively only think of having sex with them.

So your confession is that youre male?

[happenstance]

The only time you can value them is if they have the perfect tri-fecta of looks personality and intelligence.

Smart, sane and attractive. You get to pick two. Only two.

[Unbridled Technical Precision]

Expand Quote

The only time you can value them is if they have the perfect tri-fecta of looks personality and intelligence.

[close]

Smart, sane and attractive. You get to pick two. Only two.

that's what i'm saying. it's absolute horseshit.  though it's so obvious you should pick the smart, sane one it just isn't happening.  Images of "what beauty is/should be" is ingrained into my mind just as much as any of you guys.  So, for some fucked reason, we throw physical looks up on the same level as intelligence and sanity... soo yaya fuck bitches blah blah blah, cum on a girls face... but to what end? where does the objectifying stop and the search inward begin? both of the girl and in yourselves.  im serious, serious question. because what i'm seeing is guys that fuck a lot of girls, but deal with them and act in a manner that's only on the surface. in the end, that's going to leave anyone feeling empty.

[Bronson]

I never feel very good (expect for quite brief periods of time).

I get jealous at people who smile and laugh a lot and seem genuinely happy. At school, when someone makes a joke and everyone laughs, I mostly just fake a smile or a chuckle while I dont really feel anything.

My therapist says I display some PTSD-traits and I agree, but the thing is, I cant really pinpoint any traumatic event for making me feel this way.

[Dontfearthereefer]

Expand Quote

Expand Quote

The only time you can value them is if they have the perfect tri-fecta of looks personality and intelligence.

[close]

Smart, sane and attractive. You get to pick two. Only two.

[close]

that's what i'm saying. it's absolute horseshit.  though it's so obvious you should pick the smart, sane one it just isn't happening.  Images of "what beauty is/should be" is ingrained into my mind just as much as any of you guys.  So, for some fucked reason, we throw physical looks up on the same level as intelligence and sanity... soo yaya fuck bitches blah blah blah, cum on a girls face... but to what end? where does the objectifying stop and the search inward begin? both of the girl and in yourselves.  im serious, serious question. because what i'm seeing is guys that fuck a lot of girls, but deal with them and act in a manner that's only on the surface. in the end, that's going to leave anyone feeling empty.

Yeah i know exactly what you're saying man. Basically I've come to the conclusion i have to meet the female version of myself, i've always grown up around shitty relationships lots of moving around and all that stuff. I'm just going to be patient and left it fall into my lap as it seems life happens when you least expect it, but until that point fuck bitches, get money the whole deal just live it up and don't worry.

You know you always here life is too short, but its all relative, life is long as fuck if you make the wrong decisions