My dad passed away unexpectedly a month ago from what we believe was a heart attack. Ever since then I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about his life and became convinced he was on the autism spectrum. There were a lot of signs.
Then I started thinking about my own life and whether I also had autism, and so many of the struggles I’ve experienced all made sense. I’ve honestly felt cursed for most of my life, that for some reason I wasn’t allowed to be happy or to reach a certain level of achievement. But now it’s obvious that it was the programming I’ve been running.
Any other late diagnosis autists on here?
Hey, I just saw your post and happen to have not the same but actually the polar opposite experience with autism - it's something that for the longest time, say from my childhood years to my late 20's, I had many reasons to think I could be suffering from, family environment very seriously included. So for basically two decades I was in a very similar mindset to what you're describing, with my idea of happiness looking out of reach which in turn resulted in a lot of anxiety and self-doubt during what really are formative years in one's lifetime. Especially one of my younger siblings is a diagnosed autist and growing up in that environment (where he wasn't the only person with mental issues, just the only one diagnosed with autism in particular), I couldn't help but compare traits and patterns in most everything I myself was doing. Also memories of psychiatrists coming down all the way from Paris when I was 3 to study me at school because I had learned how to read by myself, of my whole educational background as a whole that was always chaotic and my devouring passion for niche things such as skating back then would always haunt me like as many signs that I had to be sort of cursed, and just needed to be ready to grow up and become brave enough to face the idea of a diagnosis. Then when I finally was, I tried twice with different crews and essentially both just laughed in my face and told me I was 'completely normal' (which is a funny concept just in itself isn't it?). It felt like realizing the rug I was expecting someone to suddenly pull from under me anytime in the future really didn't exist, after over twenty years of, subconsciously, being certain I was standing on one; and it was actually reassuring and comforting in that in fact, yes, I did have all the keys in my hands to do whatever I wanted but it also led me to ponder well if the diagnosis had been different, then how much would my life really have changed? At the end of the day, my feelings, my decisions and my ambitions would still be coming from the same place, except I'd just have this one extra label defining who I am and sort of shutting down my horizons. In all honesty, to this day I'm still not 100% certain I'm technically sane according to this or that existing medical definition (the Damocles sword still lives on although I now know it's cardboard) but I'm a lot more sure that thinking in 'sane' vs. 'insane' terms can be bullshit for the most part, as tempting as the next simplification. In reality there is no absolute norm but appearing (keyword: appearing) functional and viable in society and so as long as they meet that basic requirement, anyone is really free in choosing how to live. Another experience that confirmed this train of thought was sharing my life with a schizophrenic woman for about eight years who never, ever let her condition get in the way of her happiness and basically got whatever she wanted out of life until she was officially diagnosed (and medicated) as such, and then her horizons suddenly shut down, no more traveling the world, no more artistic activity just because some mental sword had hit and it looked heavy. It's probably very healthy for you exploring the idea of autism and you might find some answers there, but honestly be mindful of how much of them might be placebo. You may get explanations, reasons, answers, but at its root nature has it that all people are different and their own unique kind of crazy that may or may not happen to fall into medical categories. Those are important to consider, but psychiatry is (and is bound to forever be?) still a work in progress both in theory and especially practice. I would encourage you towards accepting 'the programming you've been running' as the singularity it is eventually, despite the existence of all conventions and names although of course those do exist for research which can be fulfilling, but also crippling if you let it.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad and you have my condolences. Again I'm on the polar opposite with both my parents still alive, but both suffering from/struggling against long-time and eventually terminal illnesses where they're being given rough estimates of x number of years left to live and so instead of one big blow, it's two ticking time bombs. Given our respective lifestyles I only ever rarely get to see them, too, which feels awful and so whenever I do I make sure it's quality time. Truth is we're all in for just one rollercoaster ride - might as well not waste too much of it superficially arguing over how to call it, when we could really use that time experiencing people and life for who they are beyond words instead.
I'm aware I mostly posted about myself here but I figured you may or may not find some interest in my experience. Either way I wish you the best, am sorry to hear about the tough times, encouraging you to skate if you currently can and hope you have a great week!