this is me. I?m the kind of person who needs control, i need to have a grasp on reality through various means. logic and deductive reasoning for the most part, thats what rules me. this is how i have my control on the world. science, big bang, dinosaurs, evolution... all that shit I have and do and will continue to believe in. just recently however my logic and reasoning skills have become so good that I?ve realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no possible fucking way to have control on every aspect of your life. I have no superhuman jesus powers so I?m going to have to deal with life from a certain global standpoint. Im no all encompassing badass that understands every single person and the specific situation theyre in. And I really believed this, and somewhere in this false notion of ?understanding?, I thought i was getting to know myself better. Naivety was running rampant in my brain, and i was to naive to notice. So it?s 2008, im 18 years old, and my feeble little mind is convinced that I have everything figured out. I?m on top of the world, I have my car my parents paid for, I have my whole fabricated existence because of my parents. they?re amazing, they provide me with everything in my life. whether physically, emotionally, psychologically... i am a whole person because of them. I dont believe in a god, but if there happened to be one, it would be half my mom and half my dad. like fused together in the middle, they are my creators... they are my god. now my parents still pay for everything, im in my fourth year of college, goin on 5.... fuck. slowly loosing control because I see my time as a dependent ticking away. Don?t get me wrong, my life from birth until now has been too good. but why was it so good?? because i wasnt in control, my god was. and soon my god will no longer be paying for my living expenses. and I have to take control. but the realization i had earlier was that I can?t control anything. so, when I turn 25... im assuming, with logic and reason, that every fabric of my existence will tear apart into a million pieces and instantly I will be left with nothing. White space, some would call it purgatory. Of course I would be there, not physically or as a stream of consciousness. but i would be there, unnoticeable by any form of detection, but there nonetheless. let?s say I give up on my reliance on my terribly narcissistic form of logic and reason. Potentially, when I turn 25, I will be a self sustained, fully functioning member of society. But me being me, I see this as some hopeful, idealistic, up in the air bullshit. Because even if i can attain it, I wouldn?t want it. I don?t want control, after realizing how evasive and unpredictable control is, i?ve found that I don?t need it. there?s a certain vibrance in life when we?re out of control, where we?re not quite sure if we?re rising or falling, if we?re spiraling downwards or merely standing still. this feeling will initially make you sick, left searching for some form of stability. just let go.... give up control... stop trying, and eventually you?ll get used to the feeling. take it day by day, be open to the countless opportunities that are omnipresent everywhere we go. realize life?s ups and downs for what they are, don?t view a misstep as an injury, and dont treat a leg up as an end to a mean. our live?s are not linear, we are all floating in the same pool, unaware of eachother?s existence, spiraling out of control.