I spiked some amphetamines and then decided to snort 5 more throughout the day, ultimately taking way too much and just feeling disgusting both physically and emotionally. Then to make sure no bruising was visible on my arm I decided to burn myself with a hot pan, which was a success but subsequently is irritating. I'm a lifelong addict with fairly serious mental health issues and suicidal ideation about to turn 34 next month, I've been off heroin for coming up on 6 years (albeit on suboxone maintenance) and off powdered cocaine/crack for 5 years. I'm currently the Operations Manager for a small food producer in which the owners have completely fucked off, leaving me with no support and the bourdon of shouldering most of the weight of their company in regards to basically every aspect of the company. Simply put, I'm being stretched too thin, overworked and underappreciated. Not to mention that a guy that I brought in to cook for us lasted about an hour before he was being rushed to the emergency room, somehow getting "stuck" on a rotary mixer, spinning around 3 or 4 times on it before being ejected over the back of it (he's lucky he wasn't killed) and is now suing the company despite the fact that he turned machinery on that he was not authorized to utilize (that was last week). Pretty sure he was trying to get a workers compensation claim and it got out of control. Regardless I'm so fucking drained on life, ready to call it a rap if I can't change the situation. I just want to skate, actually be able to put 100% behind it like I did when I was a kid, one of the only things that ever made me happy. I let drugs and the bullshit of existence get in the way of that the last 15+ years and I feel like I've only got one more opportunity to do something meaningful with my skateboard before it's too late. The last part I put out was in 2009 for my friend's video and that was my last real go with filming before drugs really got in the way and besides a couple of other personal fulfilment goals, that is the biggest thing I want to do for myself and myself only, put together a part I can actually be proud of and know I put everything I had into it.