Fucked up again. Still drinking Crown Royal at 6:30 am. If I make more than 4-5 posts in a day I'm either drunk or angry about something. Possibly both. Usually, I save my negative posting for the dumpster boxing forum I frequent on the side at least though.
Trying to stay positive, instead of some stupid drunk whoring attempts, I quickly abandoned that and looked up more of our local indigenous languages after doing a bit of research on the native art related to the postage stamp thread in the main section. I'm trying to learn more words and sounds so that maybe I can help my kids preserve part of their language and culture from their mother's side. Another positive note is that I only drank 1/3 of the bottle instead of the normal 2/3 or finishing the damn thing.
The biggest issue I feel right now other than mental health stuff is that I have nothing going on and no responsibilities which makes it hard to stay on the wagon. I still haven't seen my kids in over a month now. Unemployed on some seasonal shit. It's been raining nonstop forever it feels like and any dry days that I could have skated I've squandered by sleeping through them being extremely depressed. There are probably a few things I should do but other than basic chores, hygiene, and eating, I have no motivation to really take any bold steps or put myself out there or try something new or fucking anything I don't know.
Everything feels fucked. I'm tired of screaming into the slap abyss with this stuff but I also can't bother any of the few people still willing to talk to me in my life which is just my immediate family and my partner who hates me half the time anyway.
I do have an appointment with my new counsellor tomorrow but feels like I'm either gonna clam up or just gush too much shit out, despite the fact that I couldn't wait until this afternoon and already started here...
On top of that, my insides have been killing me all week other than one day I held everything together. Stress eating to replace drinking might be even worse for me at this point. I have no idea. Too afraid to go to the doctor now. Time to go read the Bam thread to feel better about myself.