I'll actually come clean and confess something on here. When I was young I saw someone get shot at point blank range in my neighborhood because he was running around robbing the wrong drug dealers. I've seen the same type of shit happen to people since then, and those instances don't bother me. But ever since that first time seeing something like that, I've always had bad dreams about either being shot, shooting someone else, or watching someone getting shot and not being able to move or speak/ call for help. I never said a word to anyone about it due to the fact that I never wanted to be labeled as a snitch and suffer from a similar fate, and deep down there was part of me that tried to justify the whole situation when I got older, as if street karma had been properly served since he was going around doing wrong to people or some bullshit. I think being exposed to something like that led me to grow up too cynical, which explains why I became as problematic as I was when I got older; my life started to downward spiral from the moment I saw that man catch that bullet.
I've done a good job with staying cold sober lately, which is something I haven't really been able to do for the past 12-13 years (I'm in my mid-approaching late 20's). I have learned to stay clear headed throughout the day and get everything done that I have to responsibly, and I've made all the necessary changes to my life style as far as starting a legal business instead of breaking the law hustling & risking my freedom for crumpled up residue coated bills. The only time I want to do drugs is to get the fuck to sleep though. I haven't slept a full 8 hours undisturbed without the aid of drugs since I was in grade school. I'm talking street drugs too, no seeing a doctor and getting prescribed something for a diagnosed problem. The over the curb pharmacy was way more accessible to me. The people that have met me in the past 9 months and have no clue of my history would be dumbfounded if they knew how I was two years before they met me.
If you met me in person, you would probably think that I was a nice person with good intentions. However, I can never get out of my head all of the wrongs my actions have caused & the subsequent suffering that it has caused those around me. I'll be up thanking the imaginary man in the sky for letting me remain free and beating my cases and never getting too far into drugs to turn back, but then I think about all the people that I've lost that have done the same shit that I did. Whether it was getting popped with a brick and missing their daughters first birthday/ first words, overdosing and dying after months of being clean, being arrested with a trunk full of guns similar to what T.I. got caught with and having to do football numbers, I always wonder why the fuck I am the one that made it out. There were plenty of times I could have been FUCKED, but I'm free and healthy today and I have no idea why.
I keep a lot of things bottled up inside of me and keep it moving, but I secretly wish all my friends were still alive/ not locked up. The reason why I really leaned towards skateboarding was to get away from that whole element and meet people that weren't involved with the hood lifestyle. I still skateboard because it's the only time where I feel like I am not thinking, and it also allows me to maintain some commonalities that my skate friendships were built off of and keep me out of trouble with these good people. It's still fun of course, but it's more of a necessity for me to do so I don't go insane & give myself a break from reality for a moment out of the day.
I really don't want to get into the dynamics of my former self too much, but for anyone reading this I'd just like to say one thing that I've learned from my own actions that I wish I learned from someone elses actions. No matter how shitty your situation is and no matter how badly you want to escape it, never sell drugs or break the law to get money. Even if you beat the odds and you walk away with some money, no jail time and no enemies that can negatively impact your future, you will still lose something in the long run that you would trade that money in for in a heart beat. All the bullshit shoes, cars, jewels, and all the other ignorant shit that I got came with the price of wasting time and sacrificing relationships with all of the wonderful people that didn't see me as the piece of shit that I viewed myself to be. On the outside it seems like I have gained materials, but on the inside I feel like I sold my happiness and integrity for something less than honorable.
Topic: real confessions (Read 1977204 times)