Oh, no no no. You're not the first person to get that impression so maybe there's more truth to it than I realize, but I don't feel like I harbor animosity towards anybody or people in general. I just don't feel like it's possible for me to happy in this world because people don't jive with the way that my brain works. I feel like I run on linux to everyone else's windows. I don't blame anyone for it. I just can't make myself assimilate. I often find myself struggling to understand why anyone continues with life or how they could possibly be happy with the predicament of existence. Are they just going through the motions because it's all they know or because they no choice? Does anyone genuinely enjoy it or are we all just making it day to day? As someone that doesn't enjoy it, why should I have to subject myself to it? And shit, why should I have to be scared of ending it? It's all very existential. Maybe I'd want to stick around if I got into hedonism.
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This is something I find myself wondering about pretty often as well. Take for instance, the human constructs of jobs/money. It makes no fucking sense that during our limited time available to us on this planet that we would squander it doing menial labor. Why create tension and shit for ourselves like that, I don't get it either. Maybe you're looking at this suicide thing the wrong way, in regards to being scared to end it. Didn't Hunter S Thompson say something like "I'd feel terribly trapped in this life if I didn't know I could kill myself whenever I wanted." Oddly enough, I take a lot of comfort from that quote. There are definitely times where I thought, shit I could make the pain stop instantly and that dark sentiment itself actually is what allowed me to keep continuing forward and get myself to a place where I'm generally happy. The main factor that keeps people going through the motions is fear. Fear of failing, fear of exclusion, fear of new things, keep people stuck on the tracks that they run around everyday. I can see how having a mindset that conflicts with this can cause you so much pain but honestly man, celebrate it. You come off as pretty intelligent and a decent human being, come kick it in LA sometime, beaches, sunshine, spots/parks and weed for days, sounds like you need to do some smiling.