I'm sorry for not checking my messages, Tay. I'm not avoiding you. Actually, I guess I kind of am avoiding you. I just don't know what to say, I get anxious and I feel stupid. The same to anyone else that has tried to reach out to me. I'm very grateful though. I have a hard time replying to anything personal on this site. I have severe mood swings sometimes and it's hard to get through some posts without losing interest because I lose purpose or am just feeling generally shitty. This is like my fifth time typing this comment.
Recently I've gotten a lot of self affirming comments from some people in my life and it makes me feel guilty as much as it makes me feel like maybe I don't suck that bad. I can say right now that I'm tired of being miserable. Recently I've been able to spy some glimpses of hope that I may be able to end it without ending it, but the positive thoughts are so goddamn fleeting. Then I crash right back down to where I was before. I'm so fucking tired.
I've already done (not done) so much shit I regret. One of the things that ways me down is the fact that my brain constantly plays replays of my shortcomings and failures. I can't get away from them and I'm sorely in need of something that I can be proud of to try to focus my attention on. The source of my failures run the gamut but since talking about relationships is popular here, I'll use one as an example. I may have told you about this one before but I'll say it again. About a year and a half ago I was going to this support group and there was a girl in there. She smart, she was interesting, she was beautiful, and I was infatuated. I didn't know what to do with those feelings as that is not something that I ever felt or imagined that I would ever feel. We talked to each other and shared intimate details of our lives because that was the nature of the group, but I never "made a move". I thought about....constantly. I was too much of a pussy to do anything about it though. Now she's gone and I don't even know her last name. The more I think about her, the more I think she was into me too, and the more angry I get at myself. Not fun. I don't want to feel that way again.
I've made profiles on a couple dating sites before. Don't really know what to do after that. I messaged some people, but I've never gotten a response. Dating sites are notoriously brutal on the poor and minorities. Not saying that's why, just saying it could be a factor.