I cannot watch old cartoons because something about them make me really depressed. Sometimes I go in to a suicidal cloud kinda mood where I think about hurting myself or others sometimes. I was pretty violent as a teenager thinking about it. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve love and will spend countless nights thinking about running off to some small town and starting over and I guess not literally but figuratively “kill myself”. A new start sounds really good at this point.
How much do you have tying you down to your current situation? I kind of did what you're describing a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I was a hopeless, angry, depressed junkie until I went to the VA hospital, took the free shuttle to the big city about an hour away and checked myself into their rehab program. I haven't returned to my hometown since then except for a couple court appearances. I pretty much had nothing worthwhile tying me down so I cut off contact with 99% of my friends and family and got a job and apartment here and basically started over.
It hasn't all been smooth sailing. I had to deal with all the stupid shitty things I did when I didn't think I'd be alive long enough to suffer the consequences, but I'm much happier now and have carved out a life and future that I'm content with. I'm not satisfied with where I'm at but I am content, and I'm cautiously optimistic about the future.