@Huell Howser yo brother, glad those words worked for your process of thinking. Bukowski and Burroughs way of being ain't too cool when you're living it, as thats what was happening for me. Sitting in dive bars scribbling the need for escape on napkins as if making notes of it was of more importance or value than getting out of it. Bleh.
@Jim and Dan yo dude, dabs, hash, concentrates are not for me, someone who uses weed in various ways on a pretty regular basis, a big no way. those panic attacks are awful. 1 or 2 wacks of some clean flower or a small dose edible are juuuuust enough for me. sorry to hear your experience was so brutal. But hey, man, 5 years of dope and crack is huge. I'm glad you're alive. I wish everyone could make it like that. Sounds like you are hanging in there and got a decent thing going on. I go on weed benders every now and again. Some kratom benders a few times over the years (bleh) and it all is kinda lame but harm reductionist for me. Really though, the best thing ive found is when im in a regular meditation practice. Not that you asked, jist got me thinking.
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there's a big homeless population where i'm living and it's but for the grace of the god, the support i've got, and some willpower that I didn't end up on the streets, you know? I see these cats tweaking or on whatever the dope is nowadays, mental illness, poor health etc, and i'm like "damn, it could have been me." I lived with this huge, monstrous survivors guilt complex for years when my good friends starting dying. I've worked through it and it's good, I'm grateful to be where i'm at, let alone alive and thriving.
So today, I'm skating this DIY spot on the side of a road and this cat comes by and starts chopping it up with me. He's got all sorts of stuff in his arms, looked like he was carrying it to build a shelter. Dude starts talking with me about skating and how he doesn't skate anymore but has the "curse of the skater vision... everything's a spot!" I give him a pound and get back to skating. think nothing of it other than "alright, that dude has some shit going on but was pleasant enough." so I move onto the next spot an hour later and dude comes out of the woods and starts chopping it up again, looks at the ledge i'm skating and is like "dude, you need some wax! I've got candles you can have." I'm like "nah bro, it's cool... i'll just go faster." He walks over to the ledge and runs his hand along the top of it and says very gently "dude, you really need some wax. this is dried out!" I keep skating and a bit later he comes up and hands me a nub from an emergency candle and says "go wax that thing, dude. get it. noseslide, right? go land that." So i wax the fucking top of the ledge and start landing the damn noseslides. Meanwhile, dude is messing with a basketball that was on the court and draining threes, kinda running solo drills, talking to himself a bit. he's got moves like he definitely played ball at another point in life. We start shooting the shit about skating for a minute again and I'm seeing that this cat is probably a few years younger than me and let him push around on my board and he's saying "not talking shit, but this board is loosey goosey and heavy... (DOA, Aces, 56mm loopholes) you got mad pop but you gotta get an element or something light and you'll be ollieing 6 decks dude..." I laughed and kept skating while he was doing his thing and I give him the $2 in my pocket, because you know, he's living in a tent and is obviously struggling, and I'm well, housed, fed, in love, got everything i could want and a dog to boot. two bucks is whatever to me most of the time. not even a cup of coffee without another 30 cents.
So I'm making my way out of the spot and i skate over to this cat and says "hey man, thanks again for the wax. what's your name?" and he says "i'm xxxxxxxxxxx, i live right over here behind the creek...." and no joke this dude's got the same name as a nickname that people used to call me til I moved to the west coast and got my shit together. I'm like "thanks for the wax and the chat, man. stay safe over there, you know?" I'm skating away and he says "hey, you know anyone with some percs?" I'm really thrown now because he's obviously from the east coast calling em percs and those are what took everyone from my generation out. I say "nah man, can't help ya there." He says to me "right on, well, if you ever have a spare board, i could use one. i camp right over there..."
Pals, it was a what the fuckity fuck sorta moment. Sad and again, i'm real grateful to be where i'm at. happy to be alive. happy you are all alive.
love to you all and love yourselves.