I'll try to avoid telling my entire life story here, but basically I'm 32 now and I've been drinking way too heavily since my early 20s. Before that I would binge drink on weekends, but at some point it started happening all through the week.
At it's worst, a few years ago, I was drinking up to 20 beers a night, at least every second day. Often the benders would last a good four or more days, then I might have one day off.
Since I met my fiance three years ago I've managed to keep it mostly to weekends, but I'm still unable to control myself once I hit the bottle. Every weekend, I literally write a list of mistakes not to repeat, yet I end up repeating them every time.
It's mostly staying up on my own, drinking a stupid amount and listening to music in a trance until I pass out on the couch. Often I'll wake up about 4am, stumble off to bed, then I'm awake at 6am without fail and can't get back to sleep.
It really fucks my weekends because I always feel like shit come Saturday. Lacking sleep, irritable, regretful of all the stupid fucking messages I sent to people the night before (usually just telling them how awesome they are - I'm a happy drunk for the most part) and time I wasted scrolling through instagram like a zombie. If I'm back home with my friends, it can be even worse because I get so excited that we just drink all afternoon while skating and then all fucking night. Fat chance of having a good skate after that.
Usually the only way to feel better and to make myself skate (or do any of my other hobbies) is to get back on the bottle. This has become another problem too: I find it really difficult to skate without drinking. It just feels so much better and I'm so much more motivated when I'm drinking beers.
Then there's Mondays, they're usually always fucked, even if i don't drink on Sunday. I don't feel normal again until Tuesday or Wednesday, and by Friday, I'm ready to do it all over again.
Well, two weekends ago I woke up Sunday morning in my bed, in a puddle of my own piss. I don't think that's ever happened before. My fiance - with whom I'm trying for a baby at the moment - was so fucking bummed. I was convinced last weekend would be different, but it was the same old story (sans pissing the bed).
Anyway, I think I've come to the end of the road and need to make some changes. I've felt like this a million times before. I can stay motivated for a time, and then something clicks and I'm back to my old self. Last October I went a whole month without a drop. It was great for about two weeks, then it was torture.
Part of the issue is that I cannot do moderation at all. I suppose, I'd ideally like to be able to keep drinking in moderation - but I'm starting to realise I may need to just quit altogether.
Any advice would be much appreciated.